Ryan: But now hecan.
Ryan: He likes it when his screams are muffled…because then it doesn’t sound sobad.
Ryan: He feels safe to do it now because of the other guy. Maybe ‘safe’ isn’t the word. Maybe ‘protected.’
My brave boy was so hungry for affection. I would provide it, my boy. There had been a few times in which I’d been able to briefly hold him. Understandably, he craved the closeness and the touch but was also scared ofit.
Russell: ‘Safe’ and ‘protected,’ are perfect words,Ryan.
Ryan: Or the older guy is fucking him and ithurts.
I raised my eyebrows and shook my head at his text. Ryan was always quick to cover with humor. He felt vulnerable and pulled the invisible blanket of humor over him to protect him. Even though I knew he was most likely being a smart ass, part of me also felt that he was subtly expressing a fear to me. A subtle response was inorder.
Russell: The older guy most likely knows what he’s doing and would ensure that he didn’t harm the youngerman.
Silence fell and then came a text that made me see how quickly Ryan had fallen to the ground since our text conversation hadstarted.
Ryan: Maybe he is holding him so his friends can use him and hurthim.
Russell:Answer.
I dialed his phone number andwaited.
“Hey,” his congested voice tumbled into myear.
“Ryan, what are your plans for today, myboy?”
“I don’t know,” hemumbled.
“Get dressed and come over. We’re going to spend the daytogether.”
“Can I have asession?”
I knew he was burning and aching for one, but I needed to make sure his mind was free of whoever had harmed him in his sleep and set him inmotion.
“We will play it by ear,Ryan.”
I waited for him in my den because it gave me a perfect view of the street. From there, I’d be able to tell what kind of mood he was in just by the way he walked. I stood when Ryan pulled up in front of the house and watched him make his way to the door. The way he walked, confirmed my suspicion as to how down hewas.
I pressed my hand against the closed door and searched his sad eyes and chose my words verycarefully.
“There’s one thing I need to say before we move from this entryway, Ryan.” I reached under his untucked t-shirt and placed my hand against his abdomen. “I will never restrain you and permit others to use you.” His eyes softened; he understood. “You are not a toy. You are not an object. You are mine to love and carefor.”
He noddedslowly.
“I’msor—”
I covered his mouth with mine and pushed my fingers through hishair.
By mid-afternoon, Ryan’s spirit had picked back up, and I had heard all about the nightmare. As we sat on the couch and talked about all sorts of topics, I found it damn near impossible to keep my hands off of him. But the way he soaked up the positive physical touches, just made me want to holdhim.
His hands slowly moved along my chest over my shirt. Each kiss lingered longer so his hands could roam at his pace but while under the cover and safety of his closed eyes. He’d start to touch me in places and then his hands would back off. He was so eager to touch me, but he wasunsure.
It was as though Ryan had been trying to ask for something or voice something, but he was nervous. I was patient and could wait him out all day if I had to. As his hands moved from my abdomen and jumped to my thighs, I opened my seated position to give him access to roam; however he feltcomfortable.
Ryan’s hand toyed with my belt and slyly pressed my hand under his t-shirt against his chest so I could feel how fast his heart had been beating. It hadn’t felt like he was out of control nervous, but it was a steady, healthybeat.
“Can…can I try it again?” he asked without looking at me. “Sucking it, Imean.”
