Epilogue
Six MonthsLater
Igazedin the mirror at Russell as I quickly tried to tie my tie. He had been ready long before I even started, and now I felt rushed and panicked. Why couldn’t I get the damn tie to fucking tie? The lights in the hotel bathroom had caused the room to be sweltering. I grabbed the hand towel from the counter and wiped the sweat from my forehead. When I pulled the towel away from my face, Russell was standing in thedoorway.
“I can’t get the stupid tie to tie right,” I said infrustration.
Russell stepped into the small bathroom and took the tie from my hand. He flipped up my shirt collar, slid the tie into place and tied it perfectly with his calm hands. He turned my collar back down, took hold of my biceps, and pulled me to him. Russell kissed my forehead and then pressed his lips againstmine.
“Relax,Ryan.”
“I can’t,” I admitted and clutched mystomach.
“Ryan, shh. It will be over before you know it. This needs to be done, myboy.”
I shook my head as he held onto me and then lowered my head to his shoulder. Could I do this again? I didn’t think I was strong enough to even walk on myown.
“Talk to me, Ryan,” he said as he began to rub on mystomach.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Russell.” I swallowed the lump of the stress that left a burning sensation behind. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. Notagain.”
“Ryan, you are the strongest person I know. I will be right besideyou.”
“I barely survived the first time. I remember it so clearly. The way he looked atme…”
I quickly shut my mouth. I tried not to think of the last time I sat in a courtroom. I had just turned nineteen and was in a courtroom for my father’s sentencing. Though my mom and brother had been there, I had been essentially alone thatday.
“Deep breath, Ryan.” I followed his instructions while my forehead remained on his shoulder as he stroked my stomach and rubbed myback.
“I ache everywhere, Russell,” Iwhispered.
“I know, my boy. It’sstress.”
I let him hold me in silence and would have been perfectly happy in his arms for the rest of the day. He gave my back a few firm pats and then I stoodupright.
“Come on, my brave boy. Let’s go dothis.”
Even though there was tons of traffic, the drive to the courthouse had been a blur to me. The only thing that I had been very aware of was that Russell rubbed my stomach with the back of his hand as hedrove.
Russell held his hand at the base of my neck as we walked into the courtroom. He guided me to the front row, and as I sat down behind the three-foot-high oak railing, Russell leaned over and shook the hands of two attorneys. I paid very little attention to the lawyer talk; I just hadn’t cared. Hushed tones had gone on around me until quiet sobs caught my attention. I turned my head to the right in the direction of the soft cries. My mom and Marie sat in the first row behind the chair where my brother would soon sit. I made eye contact with Marie, and she shook her head in disgust at me. Russell sat down, which blocked my view of my mom and Marie. He rubbed my shoulders for a fewmoments.
“Ryan, you’restronger.”
I nodded at him and looked down. Soon the bailiff addressed the courtroom, and we all rose as the judge entered the room.Fuck, I can’t believe this was happening again.When my brother entered the courtroom, I almost broke down and had to lower my head. He looked just like our father had in the orange L.A. County Detention Center scrubs andhandcuffs.
As all of the details spilled out in court about the videos and photographs, my head focused on Chad as I knew him when we were both little. I thought about the two of us having fights with leaves we’d spent entire Saturdays raking…and sliding in the grass in ourbackyard…
I couldn’t seem to control the shaking as I heard the judge recite all of the charges and all of the years that accompanied each crime. Seventy-five in all. Russell’s strong, firm hand rubbed up and down my upper arm as my hands gripped my shirt andtie.
“Breathe, Ryan,” Russellinstructed.
I nodded and opened my mouth to take in some air. He patted my leg with his hand, and I looked down. In his hand, he offered me his handkerchief. I nodded my appreciation and wiped my eyes withit.
Moments before they took Chad away, my mom and Marie shared quick hugs with him and whispered promises of visits. Chad hadn’t looked in my direction as he was escorted from the courtroom. My mom gave no attention to me either as she left with Marie. Eventually, the courtroom was about empty and I loosened my tie, and looked at Russell. I’d been in this position before, only this time, I had someone who loved me there by myside.
Once we got into his SUV, he reached over and gripped myshoulder.
“I’m proud of you,Ryan.”
