After sitting with my negative thoughts for a while longer and feeling completely lost, I got online and looked for April and Kim. I thought about calling Sadie, but I just couldn’t talk out loud. I just needed totype.
Kim: HiRyan!
April: Ry-Guy! What’s goingon?
Ryan:Hey.
April: It’s kind of early for you to beonline.
Kim: What’s wrong? Is somethingwrong?
I stared at their messages as they continued to fill up thepage.
Kim: Does Russell know something iswrong?
April: Are you hiding fromRussell?
Ryan: No. I think it’s over betweenus.
I couldn’t believe the pain in my chest and stomach when I typed that and looked at it. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and tried to take a deep breath. How would I recover from this? How could I recover from someone who knew everything about me and swore that they lovedme?
April: Spill your guts,Ryan.
Kim: Ryan? Sweetheart, talk tous.
Ryan: I can’t say toomuch.
Kim:Why?
Ryan: It hurts. Everything hurts so fuckingmuch.
April: Start typingRyan.
I stared at the screen for a few minutes. My phone lit up next to me.Leonard.
Leonard: You do know that you’re not good enough for Russell,right?
I looked back at the laptop screen with April and Kim and finally replied tothem.
Ryan: I’m not good enough for him. Plain andsimple.
Kim: Ryan, that’s nottrue.
April: Have you called him? You need to callhim.
They didn’t understand. He didn’t want to be bothered by metoday.
Ryan: He’s busy today. He said something came up and he’d call when he could. That means that he doesn’t want me to botherhim.
Kim: Ryan, I think you misunderstoodhim.
No, they were wrong. This felt different. I hated the way I felt. I ached everywhere. I glanced at the phone when another text camethrough.
Leonard: Face it, Ryan, you were a toy for him. You weren’t good enough for him to accept you as anything else. You don’t even take the time to groom yourself like a proper submissive. Think I’m wrong? Is your ass smooth and waxed for Russell like this? This is what Russellwants.
Damn. Another picture of Leonard. This time his ass. His perfectly waxed ass. I was pathetic. Even though I couldn’t stand to see that shit from Leonard, I couldn’t bring myself to turn off the cell phone in case Russell called or sent a text. I said goodnight to April and Kim, despite their attempts to keep me online andchatting.
Leonard: I can help you get him back if you work really hard. Ryan, I’m trying to help you. If you say no, you’re only delaying the inevitable. He probably has only been able to tolerate your pathetic self because he plays with people that are more his speed when he’s not withyou.
