“Do you have a family of yourown?”
No. You and Dad made it so I couldn’t havekids!
“No.”
“How old areyou?”
“Thirty-five.”
“What is yourname?”
“Ryan.”
Nothing. Not even a nod of her head. I wasnothing.
Some ladies walked over shortly after that and offered to show Momaround.
“Oh, I’d like that, thank you. My husband will be here soon and then I can show him aroundtoo.”
My mom stood up. I had to say something aboutDad.
“Wait,” I said and asked the other two ladies to give us a moment. The two ladies nodded and pointed to a table that they’d wait for her at. My mom stared at me as I stood. “Mom—I mean, Elizabeth. Dad, I mean, your husband isn’t coming tonight. He’s never coming. He died in prison.” I took a deep breath and swallowed hard to push the rising bile down. “He died in prison in February of 2004.” My mom closed her eyes but when she re-opened them it was still as if she had no idea who I was. “Chad lied to you. Dad—your husband isn’tcoming.”
She took a step closer and then slapped me across theface.
“How dare you! Who the hell do you think youare?”
I pulled out my wallet and handed her my driver’s license so she could see that I was her son that she believed to be dead. She looked at it, but still nothing registered. She tossed my license on the table and glared atme.
“I don’t know what kind of sick joke you’re trying to pull here, but take your games elsewhere. My husband is coming tonight. I’m going to have my son report you and your movingcompany.”
She walked away with the two ladies, without looking back. By the time I made it to my SUV, I was drained. I was angry. I felt guilty. I felt ashamed of myself. I felt like I meant nothing toanyone.
I drove around on familiar streets and neighborhoods for hours. It was going on 11:00 p.m. when I shut the car off in a convenience store parking lot that was adjacent from Venice Beach. I got out and walked along the free form asphalt walkway that connected the sand and city. I knew where I was headed, and I felt weak for seeking itout.
As I leaned against the sturdy pillar, I watched the waves crash violently, then settle peacefully on the shore. This was the pillar that I always sat against as a kid. It was the only thing that was strong enough for me to collapse against, and it was the only thing that ever offered mecomfort.
Untilnow.
Russell.
I pulled my cell phone out and saw two new texts from him. The first one must have come over while I was at dinner with my mom. The most recent was within the last halfhour.
Russell: How’s the movegoing?
Russell: It’s getting late, Ryan. Have you secured a hotel room for thenight?
“No,” I said under my breath as I started myreply.
Ryan: Hi. Things didn’t go really well after we left my mom’shouse.
I hit send and as I typed another text to him, another one from him cameover.
Russell: Where areyou?
Ryan: At thebeach.
Russell: May Icall?
