“I don’t work all day to buy you fucking pants for you totear!”
I nodded and tried to turn away from him when he charged towards me with thebelt.
“No fucking son of mine cries! You’re fucking eight, Ryan! Pussies cry!” The belt came down fast on me. All I had time to do was cover my face. “I pay for you to play ball! You should have better coordination than to fall when pushed!” He leaned down and pulled me out of my curled up position by my neck. “The next time you get pushed, you push the fucking kid back. Do you hear me? I don’t have coward pussies for sons!” He squeezed my neck hard and shook me. “Do you hearme?”
“Yesss,sssorry.”
I was shaking so hard and my arm was bleeding. He shoved me to theground.
“What happened, Dad?” Chad’s quiet voice had me turning to facehim.
He stood in the doorway of his bedroom in his pajamas and looked down atme.
“Chad,” I called for him. Chad was in middle school and getting bigger. He could help me if he wantedto.
“Your pussy brother let some kid push him to the ground. He tore his pants. Such a sorry excuse for ason.”
Dad walked away and left me on the floor in pain. I looked up at Chad, begging him to help me. His eyes were on me, then he looked away and slammed his bedroomdoor.
Iwokeup from the door Chad slammed in my face. I was safe, and twenty-seven yearsolder.
“Fuck,” Ipanted.
I kicked back the sheets and got out of bed. I was wired and couldn’t go back to sleep. I turned on the TV for a while to see if I could shake the dream, but it was no use. I had remembered that night so clearly and as if it happened yesterday. I had crawled under my bed and slept that night. My parents kept me out of school the next day because my face had beenbruised.
The day I returned to school, my mom took me to the school’s office and explained that my older brother and I had been in a bad fight, and that I might be out of it. I remembered my teacher being sympathetic about it and she hadn’t called on me for the rest of the week. I didn’t get in trouble for just sitting out in P.E. or anything. I didn’t have any friends to help meforget.
My body had hurt for days after that incident and I hadn’t received a new pair of pants until I was in junior high school. Everything between second grade and fifth grade had been Chad’sclothes.
I couldn’t shake any of this and found myself drinking several cups of coffee before five in the morning. How would I make it through work today and seeing Russell tonight? Russell had been kind enough to actively work with me and my work schedule. So three nights a week, I went to his house straight from work and he’d go over different things withme.
I had really enjoyed learning and asking him questions. But each time I was there, all I could think about was being restrained and flogged. He had talked about a party that he was having in a few weeks and wanted me to attend. I was really excited, but nervous. I didn’t think I was ready to play, and Russell said that he just wanted me to watch and meet somepeople.
Since the session I had had with Russell where he watched me jack off, he’d been encouraging me to practice going slow and reacquainting myself with mybody.
“You aren’t in sync with your body, Ryan,” he said to me that evening. “I understand why you go fast. It’s what you learned and you were programmed to do it like that. You haven’t grown out of that and it’s time you enjoy yourbody.”
I knew what he meant and Inodded.
“I knew I’d be beaten if caught. But those few moments of feeling good had always been worth it tome.”
I looked away after I admitted that. Fuck, did that sound stupid? It had been my honest thoughts on it though. Beyond those precious few moments, all I had was VeniceBeach.
“I want you to try something this next week. Each evening I’m going to send you a video to watch. The content isn’t important, please don’t get hung up on that. I’ll select videos with a certain time duration. I do not want you to touch your dick while you watch it. I want you to touch other places on your body. Feel what your body feels like. Rub your chest, feel those nipples and pay attention to how they feel when you start the video and when it ends. Pay attention to how you feel under your own hands.Okay?”
I nodded. I could trythat.
“I understand. I will tryit.”
“Good.”
Why did I like hearing him say that somuch?
“At the end of the video, you maymasturbate.”
Fuck. My dick twitched at that. What was so hot about that, or why did I react like that? He couldn’t see it at least. Or, I thought he couldn’t see it, but he stood there with a grin on his face. I was sure it was unrelated. I was over thinking because I wastired.
We had been in his play room and he showed me how different impact tools needed to be cleaned and cared for after each use. I had been focused on a tool in front of me and listened as he spoke or pointed things out. Suddenly he stopped talking and leaned against the table to look at me. Did I messup?
