I felt like I had made a mess of what I had hoped toconvey.
Kim: It makes perfectsense.
Ryan: And when he touched me during the session, he’d say the kindest things to me. Things I’ve wanted to hear my wholelife.
Everything was pouring out of my head to type to themnow.
Ryan: His hands were firm and hard. It was rough, butalmost…
I was stalled as I tried to think of the right phrase orword.
April: Protective. He knew what he was doing,Ry.
Protective.Is that why it felt so different to me? He knew how to touch me. How I needed to be touched and how I could handle beingtouched.
Ryan: Yeah, I think that’s it. It’s so weird to me that someone that I haven’t known very long, could have that impact on me. It’s hard to believe that a near stranger could touch me as though he’d known me my whole life and has cared for me forever. I mean, cared like a friend. Not anything else. Just weird a stranger could dothat.
Kim: Ryan, you’ve known him for a long time. I know you’d only recently begun being mentored by him, but he’s been asking you some pretty invasivequestions.
April: Yeah, Ry-Guy. I don’t think he’s much of a stranger. I believe you’ve shared things with him that no oneknows.
They were right. I’m coming to find that these two have incredible insight and are usuallyright.
Ryan: You’re right. He knows so much about me. He knows the bad parts and thesecrets.
Kim: He’ll take good care of theknowledge.
Ryan: Is it weird? Is it a fucked up thing? I don’t want it to be. I like being aroundhim.
As much as I didn’t want to think it was a weird fucked up thing, and as afraid as I had been to ask them, I needed to know what they thought aboutit.
Kim: None of this is weird or fuckedup.
Ryan: I asked him today if he thought he could fixme.
Kim: What did hesay?
Ryan: He shook his head and said there wasn’t anything to fix. He said there are holes in my confidence that he willstrengthen.
When I was finished talking to the girls, I got into bed and pulled out my tablet. Since I didn’t get that beating session that I had been planning on, I felt like I had even more tension than I had before I saw Russell yesterday. I needed to come; that would help. I wasn’t in the mood to watch anything though, so I opened up a page on my tablet to a website I frequently visited that had a lot of short stories. Some were good and some weren’t so great, but I could usually find something and jack offto.
Tonight, it took me a few stories to reach that point, but I finally did and shot my load on my bare stomach. I took a deep breath and then went to the bathroom to clean myself up. The relief I felt on the way to the bathroom was temporary, and by the time I got back to my bed, I began to feel tense and anxiousagain.
I didn’t understand why I was feeling like this. Just since yesterday, I’d been all over the fucking map with emotions and shit. I didn’t think this was that drop stuff Russell and the girls had talked about. Now I felt like I was second guessing everything and overthinking. Maybe Russell knew, or understood. It would be something that I could ask him when I get on the phone with him. I carefully dialed and waited for him toanswer.
“Hello,” his deep voice calmly filled myear.
“Hey, Russell. It’sRyan.”
I felt a little awkward, but I supposed if I wanted to learn everything I could from him, I needed to step outside my comfortzone.
“Ryan, good evening. How was the rest of your day and yourevening?”
“It was good. I talked to my two friends online for a while, then I read somesmut.”
“Did youmasturbate?”
Fuck, damn.How does he just casually ask these things? Sadie had told me that Russell was very direct. Even though I knew that too, he still caught me by surprise with thatquestion.
