Chapter Six
Ryan
Ithoughta lot about what Russell had said today. So much was flying through my head about the labels and needs, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him saying that I didn’t need to be fixed. Maybe I wasn’t as bad as I hadthought.
I looked at the clock as I logged on because Russell asked me to call him this evening before I went to bed. I knew that I had some explaining to do with April and Kim tonight. Hopefully they weren’t too upset at me over my freaking out last night. As soon as I got online I read the few messages they had posted last night as I had been gettingoffline.
Ryan:Hey.
Kim: Hi,Ryan!
April: Ry-Guy!
Ryan: I’m sorry about last night. I was agitated and thought I was getting acold.
April: Not a cold at all,huh?
Ryan:No.
Kim: Ry, are you okaytoday?
Ryan: Yeah, I talked to Russell and he explained a lot. I think I found out firsthand about the dropstuff.
Kim: I knew that’s what was going on last night. I tried to tell you to callRussell.
Ryan: I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t think I was that bad. Some of the stuff I’m feeling is just weird to me, youknow?
April: Details,Ry.
Could I admit some of this stuff to them without them thinking I was weird or really fucked up? I had trusted them with other stuff, so I supposed this wouldn’t hurt. But I hadn’t really understood it completely myself. Maybe their input would help me understandmore.
Ryan: The way he touched me during the beating session, was…different.
That sounded stupid and bad. I just didn’t know how to explain any of this. I grew frustrated with myself and ran my hand through my hair while I tried tothink.
Kim: Good?Bad?
Ryan:Good.
April: What then? What did you like aboutit?
Kim: It’s common that you’ve been rethinking the session now that some time has elapsed. Tell us what you’rethinking.
Ryan: Okay, but don’t laugh. Even if you do laugh, don’t tellme.
I gave the warning and plea for them to at least not say they thought I was being a pussy. Even in my head I caught myself from saying “pussy” and thought about what Russell said aboutthat.
Ryan: It’s just different for me to be touched much at all, let alone like that. It’s hard to describe the feeling, but I likedit.
Kim: Try to explainit.
April: Or what you liked aboutit.
Ryan: Just the warmth, Iguess.
I tried to focus and think about what I truly liked about it. There wasn’t one thing in particular that jumped out other than it felt good. Like he knew me. Like he really, really knew me and understoodme.
Ryan: It was like he knew me and understood me. He knew how to touch me, if that makes sense. He was rough, but careful. Does that makesense?
