“Yeah, but none of the doctors were favorable of the idea. They said I had been…damaged toomuch.”
He quickly reached for his coffee and took asip.
“So, Nikki knew that your parents had abusedyou.”
“Yeah, she knew a little bit. But I never felt comfortable in talking about it. I didn’t want to seem like a pussy. I didn’t feel like I could say much that wouldn’t be turned back at me.” Ryan nervously rubbed on the back of his neck and looked down. He kept his head down as he spoke. “When she learned about my father and prison, she left our conversation to go call herparents.”
I understood why he had been so cautious about revealing pieces of his life; the few people he trusted with the information had changed with theknowledge.
“Anyhow, we agreed that we’d adopt, and then she left me. She said having her own kids was too important to her. I knew part of that had been her parentstalking.”
“How supportive had she been when you told her about your parents andbrother?”
“Okay, I guess.” Ryan stared into his coffee mug before he leaned forward and set it back down. “I mean, not really. I hadn’t told her right away. She never pushed me. Like, after sex, she’d let me go off on my own to the bathroom to clean up. She knew that I felt like I needed to and she hadn’t made me feel bad forit.”
I knew Ryan struggled with bodily fluids being on his skin. I understood exactly where that came from and hoped I could work with him on relaxing hisfear.
“How had she supported you when you woke up fromnightmares?”
“I never toldher.”
“You never told her? How had you managed to get around that? You guys had been in the same bed next to oneanother.”
I had beenperplexed.
“If she woke up after I had woken up, I’d just tell her I had to pee. I’d get out of bed and go to the bathroom for a few minutes to gather myself. But a few times, she actually woke me up while I had been thrashing around. She thought nothing of it, other than a straynightmare.”
“Ryan—”
“It’s okay. It wasn’t her fault. It was mine for not tellingher.”
I couldn’t imagine waking up from nightmares of that magnitude and having to put on the “it’s okay” mask so my lover wouldn’t find out. I couldn’t fathom pushing all of this out of sight. But, then again, Ryan’s only known a steel face. His walls were high and fortified. Fornow.
“Can I ask you something,Russell?”
“Of course, Ryan. You and I have an open-door policy here. Askaway.”
“Do…do you think I’m a submissive? Or a bottom, Imean.”
Did I think; no, I knew.It was a matter though of getting him to remove the negative connotations he had in his head about a submissive and bottom. I knew he had some of the strongest, genuine submissive traits that I had seen in a long time. I also knew that Ryan could never be a bottom. He couldn’t be passed around, or on display at a party to be negotiated with by many. His soul hungered forone.
“I think that you have a lot of needs, Ryan. Some are known, but some are unknown. I also know that you have needs that you are scared of, or don’t want to admit that you have. I don’t think you should get caught up onlabels.”
He didn’t look at me as though he were challenging what I had been saying, but more like he wanted to hear what I had to say. I took that as a positive thing. He was willing to listen, and as long as he was willing, I’d get through that shit that his family embedded.Dig.
“What issue do you have with the label of submissive,Ryan?”
“I’m done being a doormat. For twenty-two years of my life…I was a doormat. I’m not a doormat and done with being pushedaround.”
I smiled at his inaccurate statement regarding the label of a submissive. It couldn’t be further from thetruth.
“What? What are you smiling at?” heasked.
“I’m going to love every minute of mentoring you, Ryan. Lesson number one, a submissive is not a doormat. They have spines of steel. They have the strength to trust a Top or Dom to push them physically, but most of the time mentally, to the edge of theircliffs.”
I paused a moment to let him think about that. They have the strength to trust to be pushed to the edge mentally and physically…just as he had done yesterday. I think he got what I was trying to get across; submissives and bottoms are made of steel. He looked up at me and gave me a smile, still with turmoil in his eyesthough.
I talked to him about how it’s the submissive with the power to start or stop a session or play scene. Without their consent, nothing happens. And that if it does, they’re not playing with a Top who has their best interest at heart. I also touched on the fact that a bottom or submissive must respect and trust themselves to negotiate sessions when they’re of soundmind.
