Clearly, he wasn’t comfortable saying much more and I wasn’t going to push him on the matter rightnow.
“I also thought that maybe I had offended you about the girl since I had said that she was what I’dchange.”
What I found interesting was that there could have been several things that I’d have imagined he may have said prior to the girl. I had to know what in particular bothered him, but I hadn’t been prepared for hisanswer.
“Ryan, there’s no right or wrong answer, but I want to know why you would have changedthat?”
Ryan paled and looked down. I had a feeling he had been working on his answer. He knew exactly why, but whether or not he could say it had yet to be seen. He seemed to be struggling with himself and then he nodded and looked atme.
“My mom’s friends. She’d have friends over—they’d do that sort of thing, like the girl from yesterday. She reminded me of them.” He reached for his coffee mug before he quickly looked up at me again. “I don’t mean that she specifically reminded me of one, but just that act. They were all nameless. They didn’t care about me. I had just been a toy.” His hand shook with the mug and then he quickly set it down. “I’ve had enough sex to last me the rest of my life, Russell. I’m not doing this for the sex. I really want to be something to someone and help them besatisfied.”
My stomach dropped, and my mind conjured up a horrific visual image of a young Ryan surrounded by repulsive people. I’d have no more bottoms at our private sessions, and I felt bad that the woman may have triggered him yesterday. From our email communications, I knew his relationships with women through college, at least, were short. But I also knew that he almost married a woman while incollege.
“Tell me about the woman you nearlymarried?”
Ryan’s posture relaxed as he sat back in his chair with his coffee mug. He wasn’t uncomfortable talking with me about her, and he almost seemed happy totalk.
“Her name was Nikki. She was a die-hard baseball fan. I met her at a UNLV baseball game. That’s initially what attracted me to her. She worked in a restaurant near the baseball field, so I’d go in after the games just to seeher.”
I smiled and said, “Classic boy meets girl and chasesgirl.”
He laughed and then sipped from his mug. I knew this woman hadn’t been his first girlfriend, but possibly his firstlove.
“Things were going well, but her parents didn’t really like me. They put up with me because she liked me. But I always felt scrutinized by them. The clothes I wore hadn’t been good enough, my college major hadn’t been good enough, the ring I picked out for her hadn’t been good enough. Flat out, I wasn’t goodenough.”
“A man’s worth isn’t stitched in labels,Ryan.”
I had hoped he understood the double meaning to that phrase. Materialistic items, such as expensive clothes with fancy labels said nothing about a man’s worth or character. But also that a label, such as a Top, Dom, bottom, or submissive didn’t have a thing to do with his worth or character as a man. Ryan had a misconception about these titles and I wanted to try and guide him away from being hung up on a label. It would only hinder his needs from beingmet.
“Exactly!” he said enthusiastically and set his coffee mug down. “Even when I went to those factory seconds stores to get the designer clothes, they could tell. I kind of thought they were just really bored people to have known what shirt colors had beenseconds.”
He had a good heart, that’s for sure. He tried to bend to meet her parents’ expectations. I imagine not being able to meet their expectations drove his personalitycrazy.
“I would imagine that most parents would have been thrilled that their child had been about to marry someone as driven as you had been to get theirdegree.”
Ryan’s hand gravitated to rest on his stomach. “I was a few semesters away from getting my filmdegree.”
I cocked my head sideways because I knew he had his degree in hotel administration.Hadhe—
“Her parents thought it was a joke of a degree and her father told me that I needed to stop being a Hollywood dreamer. They suggested hotel administration so I could advance in the city and provide for theirdaughter.”
Son of a bitch. He threw out his dreams to be with this woman. But he obviously felt something forher.
“What aspect of film drew you toit?”
“I wanted to write screenplays for movies,” he smiled and told me about some of the screenplays he had written. This was where his passion was. Ryan talked about writing movie scripts with ease. Almost as easy as baseball. As he carried on, I felt ill over the thought that Ryan’s soul truly had beencaged.
“It sounds like you have a passion for writing movies and that you would have lovedit.”
“It’s okay,” he said with a shoulder shrug. “I like my job a lot and it payswell.”
Adaptable and found the silverlining.
“In an email, you mentioned that this relationship ended over kids.” I had hoped he would expand on it because he hadn’t in theemail.
“Yeah, we were going to have kids. She wanted to have kids with me. I had been excited and that’s also what motivated me to change degree paths. I needed a degree in a field that would help me support a family. We couldn’t get pregnant, but believe me we tried. We went to a bunch of doctors and I turned out to be the problem.”His hand started to rub his stomach and the other hand gripped the back of his neck.“I can’t havekids.”
“Sometimes there are surgeries and therapies that might be able to help. Had you guys looked into any of thoseoptions?”
