Kim: He made sure you ate something after and drank something. That’scare.
What?
April: He had you talking afterward, did henot?
Kim: While you were eating, drinking, and talking, he was probably observing you and making sure you wereokay.
I had been okay. He didn’t need to do any of that. Now I felt bad. One for snapping at the girls and two, for Russell thinking that I was a pussy and needed babysitting. I started re-playing today and tried to find where I gave him the assumption that I hadn’t beenokay.
The tears. Had it been the tears? It had to be. I bet it had been the tears. But, wasn’t that the point of a catharticrelease?
April: He’s a responsible man and he knew you put your trust and well-being in his hands. Did you really think he’d let you walk out that door without making sure his apprentice was of clear and soundmind?
Wait, did that make me a bottom? Was I a bottom, or sub, or whatever the fuck itis?
Ryan: I’m not a bottom or sub, or anything likethat.
I wasn’t. I wanted to be a Service Top so I could meet the needs of bottoms and submissives. I didn’t understand where all of this was comingfrom.
Kim: No one said that youwere.
Ryan: You guys are saying I had after care. I’m not a bottom or a submissive. I want to meet needs of subs andbottoms.
April: Ry-Guy, even Tops and Doms need caretoo.
I didn’t understand any of this. Only bottoms and subs get the after care, I thought. Were they still fucking with me? Just then, I heard my alert for an incoming text and I swiped the phone angrily off thenightstand.
Russell: Hey, Ryan. I wanted to check in on you and see if you were aching physicallyanywhere.
What the ever-loving fuck? I didn’t need to be checked on! Why did he say “aching physically” and not just aching? Did he think I ached emotionally? I didn’t ache emotionally for anything. I ignored the sounds of all the message notifications that were coming from the laptop and willed myself to calm down before I replied toRussell.
Ryan: My shoulder is aching a little. But that’s the only ache that I have. I’m going to take some ibuprofen and then crawl intobed.
I hit send and then I felt guilty. He had been nice to text me. But, maybe this was just a formality of the mentor/apprentice relationship. Now I wondered if I had sounded like a pussy for admitting my shoulder ached. Did that make me look bad? I thought he wanted honesty, but then would he think of me as apussy?
Ryan: Thank you again for today. I had a goodtime.
Russell: Sleep well. Goodnight,Ryan.
There were tons of messages from Kim and April. My head was spinning now. I needed to get to bed because now I was worried that I was coming down with something. The chills were getting so bad that I could feel myselfshivering.
Ryan: I’m sorry I snapped. I need to get to sleep. I think I’m coming down with the flu orsomething.
Kim: Ry, you should text Russell and let himknow.
April: Yeah, Ry-Guy, you could bedropping.
I frowned and shook my head at the screen. I was fine, just coming down with something. I put my laptop on the dresser and took some ibuprofen before I got intobed.
“Ryan!Stop your goddamn crying! You are fourteen years old and way too old tocry!”
I brought my hands up and pressed them against the side of my face. I thought that might make it better if he couldn’t see me cry. He could still hear me, though, and I managed to tightly shut mymouth.
In the background I could hear my brother laughing as I was bent over my father’s desk taking a beating for bringing home a shitty grade on a report card. He didn’t care about the other five A’s. He only cared about the oneC.
Startled,I woke up from the dream and quickly noticed that I was ice fucking cold. I went to the bathroom and turned the faucet on to the warm setting and stuck my hands under the flow for a few moments. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt thisbad.
I went back to bed and picked up my cell phone. I re-read the email I had sent to Russell. Why that fuck had I sent the part to him about having liked him rubbing on me? Fuck! Without thinking, I sent a text to Sadie. It was going on 3:00 in the morning and I knew that she wouldn’t see it for hours atleast.
