“I know that! You don’t need to embarrass me in front of myfriends!”
For whatever reason, I had been worried about my mom’s random forgetfulness. I used to think it was the drugs, or maybe the alcohol. But ever since her outburst over the summer where she waited for my dad to come home, I wondered if something else was going on. She grabbed my sleeve and pulled me to the center of the living room and had begun raising myshirt.
“Dammit, Chad! Get your fucking clothes off. These women don’t have allday.”
“I’m, Ryan,” I said under mybreath.
She slapped me multiple times in the face, and when I turned away to protect myself, she grabbed my shoulders and shookme.
“I know who the fuck you are! You sent your father away! You took everything from me, you littlefuck!”
She didn’t know what she had taken from me. While I took my time undressing, she passed outcondoms.
“You’ll want to be sure to give him these. God only knows what he might have from fucking around with collegesluts.”
“Isn’t he clean?” one of themasked.
Over Chad and Marie’s laughter, Mom filled her friends in on how I was the polar opposite of “clean.”
“He’s always been dirty. Filthy, in fact. His father tried and tried to clean him up, but it was a lost cause. When Ryan started helping his father, we made sure he stayed safe. We hadn’t wanted him to catch what Chadhad.”
I shook my head and looked at Chad when my mom failed to get my name straight. It was fine though, let them think it was Chad who cried, and Chad who was the filthy boy who jerked off, and Chad was the contaminated one. I didn’t give a fuck what anyonethought.
* * *
The house had becomeice cold. It had been stifling in the living room, but now that it had cleared out, I sat on the floor and felt the chill. I kept rubbing and brushing my hand over my mouth. I felt disgusting. I found myself staring at the condoms and their wrappers that lay abandoned on the floor near me. When I felt the stomach pain set in, I knew that it was time to get up, but I didn’t move. I just sat there with my stomach punchingme.
I grimaced and held my stomach as I stretched my leg out to reach my boxers with my foot. I hooked my toes inside the band and pulled them over to me. As cold as I was and as much as I knew that I needed to get up, I couldn’t. I got them halfway up my legs and leaned back against the couch. Mom was in the kitchen counting money and smoking. The cigarette moved up and down between her lips as she mumbled thecount.
“Hell yeah!” shecheered.
She set the money down on the table in stacks and high fived mybrother.
“Nineteen hundred!” sheannounced.
In my daze, I was still able to do quick math. That’d be nine hundred and fifty forme.
“Here’s your cut,” my mom handed Chad a stack ofbills.
“Hey!” I called out. “Don’t give him any of my money. Nine-fifty should be mine,” I argued and stood while pulling up myshorts.
“Oh, baby, your brother and I already had an arrangement. He gets a five hundred flat fee every time he recordsyou.”
“What?”
“If you could last longer than five minutes, he wouldn’t have to work so hard editing andrecording.”
Angrily, I pulled on the rest of my clothes and stalked toward the kitchen table. Mom handed Marie two hundred dollars and said she had a flat earning of two hundred dollars for “assisting” mybrother.
“What the fuck did she do? What does she ever do?” Iyelled.
“Relax, baby. You and I will split the twelve hundred.” She handed me six hundred dollars and exhaled her cigarette smoke in my face. I quickly swatted the smoke out of myface.
“I went from nine fifty to six hundred. I’mpissed.”
“If you could learn how to last longer, baby, the women would have stayed longer. It would have earned us more. But you’re so damn erratic, and out of control, it’s surprising that they hang around as long as theydo.”
I counted the money to make sure the six hundred was there at least. She blew more smoke in myface.
