The pain was still there. Would it always be there? It’d been with me ever since I couldremember.
Chapter Seven
Summer2003
Igrabbedmy backpack and was heading out the door when Skyler came out of hisroom.
“Hey,Sky.”
“Do you have a final this morning?” he asked with his head scanning the fridge. “I heard your study session last night.” He was referring to Jaelynn’s visit. “Sounded intense,” hesmirked.
“It was an intense study of physiology,” I joked and headed out thedoor.
Since my ribs were healed, I had been trying to work on my abdominal strength again. I went for almost two months with limited use of my stomach muscles. I at least was able to split a few games at third with another guy. The coaching staff had limited me to cardiovascular training, leg training, and only three innings a game. I had planned on playing summer ball to get me back inshape.
I had arrived on campus with an hour to spare before my calculus final. There was a computer lab in the same building as my final, so I decided to go check my email. It had been a week since I had last checked, so I wasn’t surprised when I saw fifty some emails staring at me. I skimmed the subject lines, and it all looked like junk until I saw the sender name of mybrother.
“Fuck,” I whispered and glancedaround.
I debated about not opening it at all, but part of me had to see to make sure it wasn’t what I feared. I finally decided to open the email after I had cleared out the other junkemails.
Hi PussyBro,
I’ve missed you so much that I’ve been replaying some of our favorite home videos. I went to visit Dad, and we talked about you and what a fucking asshole you’ve become. I lost my job, and Mom needs money. The loss of income without you has been hard on her. Come home and do some videos so we can upload them to put food on thetable.
The attachment said “Ryan 3/2000.” Dad would have still been at home. I closed the email and hit delete. I jammed my fists into my pockets after I picked up my backpack. I got halfway to the door when I realized that I hadn’t signed out of my emailaccount.
I walked up and down the hallway in front of my math class and went over formulas. I did anything I could to help me forget the attachment “Ryan 3/2000.” I had to stay focused. When the classroom door opened, I took my seat and flipped over my final exam when we had permission to doso.
My hand raced down the paper, and I didn’t have to stop to think about any of the questions. Everything was coming to me. I was first to turn in the paper and left without lookingback.
One week later, I went to all of my classrooms to see my grades. I earned straight A’s in all of my classes. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I headed back to my place. When I got home, guilt hit me about mymom.
I checked the desk drawer where I kept my cash from my job at the gym. I had almost two thousand dollars saved. I grabbed five hundred and sat down with some paper. I grabbed a pen and began towrite.
“I’m sorry you are having money problems. Hopefully, this will help. Ryan,” I said under my breath as Iwrote.
I wrapped the money in the note and placed it in an envelope. I addressed it to my mom and made my way back to her house to put it in the mailbox. She should be at work, I reassured myself on the bus ride. Nervously, I walked the familiar path from the bus stop to the place I used to call home. There weren’t any cars in the driveway as I approached. I opened up the mailbox and set my envelope inside. Before I turned to leave, I glanced at the porch. The same plaid fabric folding chairs sat on the deck, and a cooler sat between the chairs with beer cans sitting ontop.
Nothing hadchanged.
A few days later, I borrowed David’s computer to check my email. I had two emails from my brother. Instead of thanking me for the money I gave Mom, he acted insulted. He said that he found a website that was earning Mom $500 a video. Attached to the emails were videos. I didn’t dare open them. I deleted the emails and headed to thegym.
* * *
Catrinaand I had been dating on and off for most of the summer. I liked her, but she was trying to take it in a serious direction. I knew I wasn’t looking for anything serious, so we stopped seeing each other several times only to have the forces of nature push us into another sexual fling not even a weeklater.
There were a lot of things that I really liked about Catrina, and then there were a few things that I hadn’t cared for. The number one thing was that she kept saying I didn’t open up to her. What the fuck was I supposed to open up to her about? This was usually our sore spot, and it always led to anargument.
“I don’t understand why you can’t tell me how you feel about me, Ryan. Is that so fucking hard?” Catrina sobbed at me one evening in my place. Thank God Dave and Skyler were out with theirgirlfriends.
I had been at a loss. What else did I need to do to show this woman that I liked her? I talked to her every day and sent her a text each morning. I asked how her day was, and Ilistened.
“I’ve told you that I like us, but I’m not ready for anythingserious.”
I caught the pillow from the couch that she hurled at me. Next came the anger with thetears.
“You’re such a dick, Ryan! All you want to do is fuckme!”
