“Ugh.” He gave a half-hearted shove against my side. I wrapped my arm tighter around him in response.
Tom was so pretty like this, snug against me, dark curls brushing my cheek—I knew from that afternoon that there was a hint of red in them when the sun hit just right, but in the moonlight, they shone like polished mahogany. His lashes were long and thick, shading his eyes from me. And his weight was warm, solid, and just a little bony against my side.
“Talk to me.”
“I-I have stamina—or I did before you. Could almost never… when I thought of ladies.” He broke off with a bitter chuckle. “Apparently there was a reason for that because all it took was your cock on my lips and the brush of my hand through fabric and I spilled like schoolboy.”
I dragged my thumb across those lips. “Yes, you did.”
“Stop,” he groaned.
“Why? You brought me to a peak—quite quickly, I might add. Should I be ashamed of that?”
His head popped up. “No, of course not! It was perfect.”
“Hmm, and are you not proud that you brought me such pleasure?”
“No, I’ll be dreaming of that until the day I die.”
“If we’re going to do this—and it seems we are—then I want you to experience pleasure in all its forms. Quick and fast like a lightning strike. Slow and drawn out until you beg. Every how, every way, you will know pleasure. Mental. Physical. Too much. Not enough. At my hand. At your own. Besides, there’s plenty of shame waiting for us out there.” I nodded to the door. “We don’t need to bring it in here.”
“All right,” he whispered softly. It was a simple agreement, but it sounded like a vow.
“I want it all. Yes? Every thought, every desire, every fear. I want you to tell me them all, show me them all, and know that there’s no judgment waiting for you.”
He merely nodded, a continuation of his vow. “You’re different, in here.”
“You make me feel safe.”
His eyes slipped shut on a heavy sigh and when they flicked open again, they were so full of devotion that I nearly cried. Instead, I tucked a curl behind his ear.
“There is one thing I’ve been wanting to discuss with you,” I added.
“Anything.”
“Your letter…”
Twenty-Nine
KILMARNOCK ABBEY, EDINBURGH - JULY 16, 1816
TOM
I foughtpast the instinctive panic. It was safe here, in Xander’s arms in this too small bed, in the too small room, in the ruined house, wearing breeches that were rapidly becoming very uncomfortable.
“What about it?” I whispered, hoping the tremor in my voice wasn’t too noticeable.
It was, if the way he squeezed my knee was any indication.
“You’re wrong. I said it before, and I’ll say it as many times as you need to hear it—I have never been unaffected by you, not after the masquerade at least. But you’ve been laboring under a misapprehension that I don’t feel as you do.”
My heart skipped at the thought, but weeks of loneliness, of unreciprocated feelings, were not so easily shaken. “But?—”
“My body recognized you after that night, even if my head did not. My heart threatened to pound out of my chest. My skin positively itched to meet yours. I was shaken and jittery. And you’re not the only one with dreams of lips and cock.”
I could only shudder as one hand smoothed down my back.
“No, I was not unaffected. And it was not easy for me to leave, not at all. But I thought it was for your own good. In fact, I’m still certain it was, but I’m too weak to send you away.”
