Soft giggling trickles through the window, coming from the kitchen as Hart plants a kiss on her kid and mine. Her famous pancakes are on the menu this morning, and boy do they smell delicious.
Until the smell settles and starts making me nauseous.
Watching them tugs on my chest, multiplying the guilt. I’m craving it more than coffee this morning. Guilt is the only way I can punish myself.
Ellie’s smile is so effortless with Piper, like she’s her actual mother.
This was the way it was supposed to be.
“I’ll be right back.” I hear Piper’s voice through the window. “The pancakes need a few more minutes to cook. Let me see if the old man outside would like any. I want you two nowhere near the stove, okay? I’ve got my beady eye on both of you.” She raises two fingers to her eyes and makes the motion.
I turn away from the window as she hops outside.
“Hey.” The cheery tone is gone from her voice, replaced by a sort of indifference that is making me feel worse. “I’m making pancakes. I can save some for you if you like.”
“I’m good.” I manage to look into her eyes, and notice a look of sorrow in them.
“That was harsh, what I said in the bathroom. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t owe me an apology.” I rake a hand through my hair. “It’s the truth. You needed to say it, and I needed to hear it.”
I glance through the window to check that the kids are doing as they’re told. Ellie has only ever had friends who are girls. It’s always nice to see her getting on well with Sonny.
And then the harder, more realistic feelings scratch under my ribs and remind me that this arrangement isn’t forever.
“You look upset.” Piper glances through the window with me, and takes a seat opposite. “I’ve never seen you look like this before. What are you thinking?”
She gave me the truth today, so it’s only fair I give some back to her. “I’m destructive, Piper.”
“That’s not true.”
I do another rake through my hair, hoping for it to calm my nervous system. It’s going haywire right now. “I would love nothing more than to have another child, and to share that child with you.”
Piper rounds in her shoulders and breaks eye contact.
I continue, “But it’s complicated. For both of us. And when I think back to that fire that killed my family, all I feel is guilt.”
“You’re not destructive,” Piper says. “You acted on instinct.”
“Yes, exactly.” I sigh, knowing we’ve been through this conversation before. “But all thanks to my actions, my parents never got to meet their granddaughter. Ellie never got to meet her extended family members, and know what it was like to be spoiled by her grandma and pops.”
“If you saved them,” Piper says, “you could’ve died in the fire and never had Ellie in the first place. Have you ever thought of that?” She pitches her eyebrow up at me. “Ellie has her father, and that’s all that matters. She’s never known any different.”
“Right,” I reply. “Just like Sonny and his family. I guess we’re similar in that way.” I pick at the corner of my lip and say another truth to her. We may as well keep them coming. “I wish you were Ellie’s biological mother. Maybe things would be different with us then.” I clasp my hands out in front of me and stop the fidgeting. “It would be nice to share a child with you, one that’s equally your blood and mine. I guess that’s why I wish Ellie was yours.”
Piper’s eyes wobble over mine for a time, until she realizes that she has the pancakes cooking inside to use as an excuse. “I should…”
She takes her leave and I watch her head back indoors, that cheery tone edging back into her voice now that she’s with the kids again. It’s real—not a pretense. That’s how much love she has in her heart.
28
PIPER
If only heknew that wedoin fact share a child in blood.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him this morning, but I’m so used to keeping it a secret that it felt weird to finally let it all out.
I’ll have to tell him soon, though. Once my fate has been decided, I’ll go from there.
