What?
"You stayed all this time?" What for? "What about my parents?" His body shifts. He's about to tell me something bad about them —I know it. I knew it all along.
"Cassandra, your father… died a year ago. I'm sorry." Dad… "And we haven't been able to track your mother just yet. But we have our best people on it, don't worry…"
My dad is dead?
The emptiness echoes inside me, it doesn't change at all. For what it's worth, I always knew this would happen. He was always struggling with a heart condition, so I guess the stress of my kidnapping and the shit that followed ended up doing it.
"It's my fault…" I mumble, immersed in my thoughts. If only I had been more careful and more aware of my surroundings, all of this could have been prevented. What a stupid girl.
"What? No, Cassandra, don't say that. None of this is your fault. It doesn't matter how you look at it."
"If only I had been more careful and more aware of my surroundings, all of this could have been prevented…" I sound like a broken record.
"Cassandra, look at me, please." I comply, just because it's an order and I must obey. "You're free now, do you understand? Free." I can't look at him for more than a few seconds. I guess old habits die hard. "If you don't want to look at me, don't. Just listen to my voice," he whispers right into my ears. "Your life just took a huge turn, this time for the better. Don't delay that turn by thinking about the past and the things you couldn't prevent from happening. Focus on your new and only destiny, Cassandra. You must look forward, I know you can. You are strong. I've seen it with my own eyes." I hear his words and feel his warm breath on my skin. That slight touch makes my skin crawl. Am I really that needy for affection right now? Am I really that desperate for it that his touch feels reassuring? It's impossible to process all this right now. Tears wash my face non-stop. I only want the world to stop for a second.
He watches me painfully. He doesn't know how to help me this time. I hate him, but seeing this sensitive, caring, understanding side makes it all too difficult, it confuses me. Where is the monster? I can easily hate the monster.
"The night before the rescue you tried to tell me, right?" Now everything makes sense.
His reaction is a mix of regret and embarrassment.
"I don't know what I did, but I know it was wrong. I confused you. It was selfish of me, to tell you all that. You weren't ready for it, I— am so sorry." I'm trying to stay focused, but my brain is too tired, my eyelids are heavy, my eyes are swollen. I think all those years of unrest finally came to an end. Now I can sleep for all those years I could never really do it, without having to stay alert and worry about him barging in, waking me up with a bucket of cold water, dragging me to the torture chamber and working on me for hours. Yes, the same man who's standing in front of me right now, showing his pain… But what if this is a farce? If he was able to play a terrorist, he most certainly can fake this as well.
"Do you want to lie down? I'll call for the nurse." He reaches for a button behind me.
"Just let her sleep and skip the torturing part, asshole,"says Life. Exactly.
"No!" I stop him, grabbing his hand to prevent him from pushing the button. "Just promise me that if I go to sleep I won't wake up in that cell again," I beg staring into his eyes.
He just looks at me and says, "I promise you. You will never have to go through that again. I won't let that happen." I remember the first time I saw him. I even thought he was an attractive man. He didn't seem like someone willing to hurt me. But then, the horror. Right now, he seems shattered. His eyes look tired, they even have bags. He no longer resembles that intense and cunning man from before, who owned my cell. He's now a man who lost a battle.
Or finished a mission.
"Rest, Cassandra. Sleep all you need to…" He turns around, walks towards the door, removes the chair from the knob and puts it back where it was.
"You don't have to stay anymore; you've already done your part. You can go back to your life." For a second, his face shows in a flash that my words hurt him; I can see it. But his shield is back up, he's back to his former self —neat, cold eyes, showing nothing again.
"I will leave as soon as you go back to sleep…" He claims without looking at me. He grabs a magazine and pretends to go through it.
I lay my head on the pillow and feel how I drift away slowly; my eyes are losing focus and begin to shut. I can't stop the urge to spy on him from the corner of my eye. I experience a confusing sensation: I hate that he's here with me —I'd hate it even more not knowing where he is—, but at least this way I can be ready. At least this way I've got him in sight, just in case 'he' returns.
Chapter Five
The Boogeyman.
Cassandra pretends to be asleep, but I know she's watching me; that's okay, she can't trust me. I wouldn't trust me, either.
I wasn't expecting her to understand, to tell me everything was okay, to run to me and throw herself into my arms, to hug me with those bony arms of hers and whisper that she forgives me; and then we'd live happily ever after. No, that's only possible in my fantasies, the ones I have when I'm at home, by myself.
If we had met under different circumstances, maybe I could consider having a woman like her. But a man like me can never have that kind of life. I can't even think about having a family. That's not right for me, not with this fucking life— too many enemies, a shitty rep and the darkness that comes with it. I'll have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. A woman like her… well, Cassandra's damaged, I did that to her, I broke her. I took her body and carved those markings with my tools; it will take a lot for her to heal, but even when the body is completely healed, the mind will still be broken. One day someone else will enter her life and light the candles that others have blown out; and when I say 'others,' I mean me, the asshole. She will probably get married and surround herself with kids that will love her and give her existence a new meaning. I'll watch her from afar, as a reminder of the good things I've done. All those years of enduring were necessary— for her, for her freedom… for Dante…
The mission was just a tiny piece in a bigger puzzle that sprawled like a spider web around us. There's still plenty of evil to fight against and plenty of good to fight for, but my mind is spent, my body refuses to move. This was my last mission, my last contribution, and effort to the cause.
I should get out of here as soon as possible, but I can't. I've been awake for two straight days and I really can't feel my body. Plus, I don't give a shit anymore. I just want to sit on this chair and dare to watch her relax at last, after a long time.
Knock, knock.
