His sad eyes.
“The only thing that kept me going was thinking that one day you’d be free from there, from me and all that shit around you. I can’t stand watching you suffer like this. But know this: it will be over. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Why did you accept this mission, if you knew it would be this hard on you?” Little by little, all the questions I came to ask yesterday are starting to emerge.
“Well… Actually…” He’s struggling with his words.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I understand…”
“No! It’s not that, it’s just…” he gasps for air and, while looking down, finishes the sentence. “…My little brother was kidnapped like you, in the same way, by the same people. He, huh… wasn’t as lucky as you. He didn’t make it.”
That stuns me.
“We were lucky!?” Life adds. “Fuck me sideways! Here I am, thinking we were one more of the bunch. Do we have to feel super fucking special right now?” I wish she would shut up this time.
“I’m sorry… When did this happen?”
“Thanks.” Bruno’s eyes are filled with tears, but none of them drop. He also looks grateful that I asked. “Before starting law school, he wanted to travel the world. Europe was the first stop. There he became obsessed with the ‘Old World’ and decided to take a detour from his original plans.” I can see the rage and anger building up inside him. His voice isn’t firm and determined as before. I never thought I’d live to see this in him. He clears his throat. “He was taken in Jerusalem and was held captive for a long time until ultimately they killed him in cold blood in front of a camera that was also broadcasting through the internet.” He exhales through his nose, the lips are pressed tight forming a straight line. I can see he’s hurting over this. “Losing him destroyed me. I thought I was never gonna get through that situation. The way they did it was barbaric. So, I decided to use my anger to fuel my will to destroy them in return and square things up. Even though I wasn’t in the military anymore, the minute my old commander approached me with NSA and FBI directors to recruit me for the mission, I accepted automatically. They knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away from it, and I also needed to kill every single one of them.” I move closer to him and take his hand. This is the first time I feel his skin touching mine. “I swear to you, I will make this right. I will hunt him down and finish the job.” He looks at me, I can see the determination in his eyes— he’s back to his usual self. “I want you to feel safe here, and I want you to know that I won’t let anything else happen to you. I’m a man of my word.”
Shockingly, it’s hard for me to tell apart the man I have in front of me, who exposed his feelings in front of me not two seconds ago, from ‘Him,’ the man who in the past three years didn’t show or have any kind of human emotions. If either of those are rehearsed characters, he plays them wonderfully. “It’s still hard for me to make eye contact.” I say without breaking it. He knows what I mean.
“I don’t think your view of me will change, ever,” he points out without hesitation. “The least I can do is try to give you peace of mind, allowing you to walk the streets without having to look over your shoulder all the time.”
“Yeah, great job so far, buddy.”Shut it, Life! “What? I’m just saying what you don’t have the guts to say.”
“How can you inflict so much pain on another human being without even blinking? How did you prepare yourself and dehumanize the act? How is it that you played that role so well?” His body shifts. He remains silent and starts to pull little lint rolls from his pockets.
“It’s something hard to think, and even harder to explain.” He shakes his head.
“It’s sumtin’ hord to theeenk blah, blah, blah. Fuck you.”Life’s not enjoying this conversation at all. And who could blame her, after all?
“Please, try. I need to understand.” I’m sure he can see how desperate I am.
“I wasn’t born a soldier; I did some pretty nasty shit before enlisting, and then some more for the government. After I retired from the military, I turned to a lifestyle that could accommodate my honed skills only to be surprised— the demand was through the roof and they paid handsomely.” He points at my surroundings with open hands. “I’ve killed some people…”
“There’s an understatement,”Life says at the same time.
“Tortured some more…”
“Yeah, no shit.”Life, stop it.
“I’ve got a lot of experience, and I’m sure you’ve figured all that out by now. But I always did it to the bad guys, never to an innocent person. Until you came along. I hope you can believe and understand me when I say my dirty hands were only for the people who deserved it. Causing you pain was my worst nightmare, and it still is. It will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I must tell you when those guys are involved, I just can’t help myself. I have to get them all.”
“Oh, okay. Are we supposed to feel special because we were the first civilian and innocent party?”Life has a point here.
“You made me feel something I had never experienced when doing this— remorse. I will never be able to make you understand how bad it was for me. I had to ask myself repeatedly, ‘Why am I doing this?’ over and over. The answer always was ‘to set her free and return happiness into her life.’” I’m still holding his hand. I can’t say I forgive him, because I’m not sure I do yet.
“You gave me back my freedom. But I don’t think I can ever be happy again, Bruno.”
Chapter Sixteen
Fucking brain.
Bruno
A week went by since that honest and meaningful conversation with Sarah. Her words got stuck deep inside my chest and they are making it pound. I’ve been having trouble sleeping because of them. We don’t really talk about it much, we just chit-chat about the weather, food and the news. Her entire daily routine involves waking up, having breakfast, walking aimlessly around the house and going to sleep at night. All that while keeping herself away from me. Said distance started to shorten little by little. Sarah is like a wounded animal, and I’m the master who’s trying to regain its trust.
Her body is looking healthier now. Looking at her pleases me. I’ve been focusing a lot on her nutrition, instead of trying to find the whereabouts of that son of a bitch Leon, which I don’t regret. Sarah is tough, tougher than she can imagine. I know this for a fact. I tore her apart for three straight years and Leon— well, he shattered her once more, only to prove that she can get herself back on her feet. Rise slowly from her ashes, stronger and smarter. I feel so fucking lucky, to be able to witness this…
