We have been here for more than two hours and it’s time to stop, for now. The very moment I untie her, she falls apart; body and soul hit the ground and make a loud thud. I pick her up and take her to her cell in my arms. I put her down on the pillar. She needs to regain some energy before our next session.
That night three years ago, I couldn’t sleep at all.
The minute I saw her, I knew that I was fucked. Working on a human being, an enemy human being to be exact, is one thing. But to do those things to an innocent tore me apart. I needed to come up with a plan to be able to cope with all this, and the only thing I came up with was to feel what she felt in every session we had. That is how I survived the last three years of my life.
Chapter Fifteen
Who is Sarah?
Sarah
I wake up to the pleasant feeling of my mom stroking my hair slowly, softly. I want to stay five more minutes, but I have to get up and go to school…
School…
School?
“Sarah, wake up,” a deep voice whispers in my ear. Could it be my dad’s? Also, who is Sarah?
“That’s you, moron!”Life says showing her everlasting smirk.
I jump out of bed, ready to fight, and I see a man backing up with raised hands and open palms, like a thief who’s being arrested.
“Stay calm, Sarah. It’s me, Bruno.” I rub my eyes to focus on him. It really is him.
“I’m sorry, I freaked out. Did I oversleep?” My eyes are swollen, and they still burn from all the crying last night. The sun enters the room through a big window and hits my face— it doesn’t help my eyes at all.
“Not at all. Are you hungry? I can fix you something to eat.” I stare at him; I’m way too tired to do anything else. Did I really sleep here? Did we…? Oh, God.
“Bruno… What am I doing here?” I ask without hesitation.
“You might wanna sit down for this,” he says with a grim voice now. What’s going on?
“Why? I can’t remember anything after we had dinner.” I circle the bed towards him. Before I can reach him, my knees give in. He catches me and prevents the fall.
“Hey, hey. Don’t push yourself.”
“Quit stalling, you’re making me nervous.” Even more than I already am.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it… Last night… someone broke into your house…” When he utters those words, everything comes back to me. My stomach twists and I start crying. Now I remember: my mom is dead. “Tell me what you need Sarah. Anything at all.”
“I need this pain to be over.” I’m bent over, my elbows against my knees.
“No, Sarah.” Bruno takes my hands away from my face. “The pain never ends, you just get used to it. Believe me when I tell you that you have difficult times ahead of you, but you’re strong enough to pull through them.” He smiles at me, but that smile never reaches his eyes. He sits down at the feet of the bed, putting some distance between us. He seems more cautious about my personal space. He starts talking again, just before the silence becomes deafening. “I want to be completely honest with you about what I’m doing here and the reasons behind it. I need you to know that nothing I’ve done so far was because of a mission or a sense of duty. I’m doing it because it’s what I really want to do, and I know things are different now, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t move forward—” I interrupt before he can finish the last sentence.
“Why do you want to help me so bad? To what end? What’s the purpose of it? Look at me…” I point at my withered and damaged body with open hands. “I’m worthless. I can barely stand up on my own. What am I going to do when all this is over? Get a job at a Starbucks? Hope that maybe one day I will meet a nice guy, get married and start a family with him? Do you really think you can fix this, after all you did to me in the first place? I’m beyond repair or recovery. It’s impossible.” He turns to look at his shoes. I’m not trying to hurt him, words just come out of my mouth.
“Not impossible, Sarah. I’m sure as hell it’s not going to be easy or simple, but not impossible for sure. We can work together and find a way to do this. And don’t get me wrong, I know what I’ve done, I remember I’m the one who broke you. Not a day goes by in which I don’t remember that. Right now, I feel you’re my responsibility. Believe me when I tell you that I will do anything I can to avoid you getting hurt again. I’ll kill people if I have to. And that includes me.” His hand is fully open and touching his chest.
“I don’t get it. Why did my mom get targeted, instead of me? I wish it would’ve been me,” I ask while crying silently. Tears are running down my face.
“That’s their MO, Sarah. I don’t know how they managed to figure out that we were in touch. This one is entirely on me. They punished you to get back at me. I never thought this would be possible or even real, that was a rookie mistake and I’m no rookie. I will never forgive myself.”
I find myself nodding in understanding. Why am I always so empathetic with him? Why can’t I just be mad, yell and tell him to fuck off? Why? I take a deep breath to pause my brain. “I’m struggling to find myself, I don’t know who I really am right now. Is that a bad thing?” I say, and at the same time, I wonder why I can’t be this open with Dr. Gonzales.
“Not a bad thing, not even a weird thing if you ask me. Just don’t expect to make sense of it all overnight. To solve this new puzzle about your personality, you’ll need to go through several stages.” We fall silent again. I can see that he wants to keep me company, and that’s exactly what I need right now. “You, huh… still feel safe in here?” He asks with a curious look while trying to meet my eyes.
“Yes! No! I don’t know! I guess this uncertainty will stay with me forever. It doesn’t matter where I go or who I’m with, I’ll always be hunted. I feel I’ll always put everybody around me in danger. I wish you never rescued me from that place. I wish you would just let me die in there. But no, instead I’m out here, mourning my mother,” I admit while looking into his eyes.
