‘Do you visualise her?’ I ask him. ‘Lying beneath you, as you—’
‘Karla,stop,’ Jason says, the blood visibly draining from his face.
‘Imagine her piercings pressing into your skin?’ I don’t stop. With tears cascading down my face, though I try hard not to let them, and fury and humiliation driving me, I can’t stop. ‘Do you want to lick her flat belly, Jason?’Mine’s flat!I want to shout.I can’t eat. I can’t breathe. Do you even know what I look like?‘Trail your tongue over her salty, wet skin? Push it into her mouth? Bite her? Work your way down her body and—’
‘Enough!’ Jason raises his voice, his face now rigid with anger. ‘For God’s sake, Karla, just stop this, will you?’
‘Why should I?’ I clench my fists at my sides, my fingernails digging painfully into my flesh. ‘What do youexpectme to do? Say nothing? Pay her a bloody compliment?’
Jason looks destabilised for a second, alarm flitting across his features, as I step towards him.
‘You were concerned, weren’t you, when you saw me sitting there?’
He kneads his forehead. ‘Of course I was. You were damn near unconscious. I thought you were…’ He falters, clearly unable to voice his fear –that he might have had to explain away how his actions killed me. And he has, on the inside; he’s killed me stone dead. ‘Karla, please… I’m begging you, don’t do this now.’
‘Begging?’ I laugh, disbelieving. ‘Would that have worked for me, do you think? If I’d begged you, wouldyouhave stopped?’
Jason says nothing. He sighs heavily instead, which only riles me further.
‘I wonder how concerned my husband would have been on finding me semi-conscious if he’d known how I came to be in that state?’ I push on. I can’t help myself. My heart is fracturing, a thousand sharp shards of glass slicing painfully into me, because I know. I know that even if I did fall to my knees – right here, right now – he wouldn’t stop. Emotionally, he has left me, and I can’t bear it. Ican’t.‘I’ll tell you how, shall I?’
Jason attempts to walk past me. I sidestep, blocking him. ‘I was out dancing, Jason. You know that thing I used to do, when I had fun in my life? Dancing and drinking – with my very own dating site “hook-up”, as it happens. As a prelude to having sex with him!’
‘Jesus.’ Jason looks heavenwards.
There’s no one up there!I cry inside. I know this, too. I prayed so many times when Sarah died. When I realised my husband’s love for me was dying, I prayed like I’ve never prayed before. No oneheardme.
‘Would you have been worried, Jason, if you’d known that about your wife, the woman you think you know so well? Someone who’s just a boring mother, clearly a boring lover, too tired and worried to be adventurous in bed?’
Jason doesn’t answer. One arm across his chest, his forehead resting now on his hand, his gaze is fixed to the floor.
‘Someone who works to pay the bills, who can’t afford to take risks, do something different with her life before it’s too late! The mother of your children, Jason! The woman who gave up her dreams to be with you, and whoyouthink you can casually cast aside for some slut you imagine will spice up your life and shore up your flagging self-esteem!’
I flail an arm out, stopping Jason as he tries again to walk around me. ‘Whywas it flagging? Answer me that.’
Jason says nothing.
‘Because youfailed,’ I answer for him, cruelly, almost wanting to goad him. I want him to shout back, to fight, to scream. I want him to fightfor me.
Jason’s eyes are full of hurt as he looks at me. His jaw is tense, but other than that, he doesn’t react.
‘You’reresponsible for your company going under. No one else.’ Guilt tugs at my conscience as I blurt the words out. But even knowing how much I’m hurting him, still I can’t subdue the monster inside me. ‘You wouldn’t have needed my father’s money if you’d managed your business properly. You could’ve sold it before you had to and done something different – or else swallowed your pride and taken the damn money!’
Jason holds my gaze. His eyes are thunderous, so dark they’re almost black. ‘I did swallow my pride, Karla,’ he says quietly. ‘If I’d taken the money, trust me, that really would have made me a failure. Now, if you wouldn’t very much mind, I’d like to get to my son.’
His gaze travels to the hallway beyond me, his line of vision lowering, and my blood freezes. Whirling around, I wish I could suck the words back. It’s too late. My little boy has heard it all, every foul thing that has spilled from my mouth.
‘Josh…’ I take a tentative step towards him, but Josh steps back, darting a glance at his father. ‘Josh, I’m so sorry baby,’ I say tremulously. ‘I’m not angry with you, sweetheart.’
Taking another step, I extend my hands, desperate to reassure him. To feel his small body close to mine.
Josh doesn’t move. His little face is bewildered; his fists are balled defensively at his sides. I look into his eyes – rich brown eyes that mirror his father’s, full of uncertainty and fear. He has tears streaming down his cheeks. I blink away a rush of shame-filled emotion as I realise it’s me he’s frightened of.
Jason steps sideways past me as I stand there, feeling impotent under the distrustful gaze of my innocent child. He places his hands on our son’s shoulders. Then, looking me over with a mixture of disappointment and remorse, he turns his gaze to the stairs.
My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach as I realise Holly is there, standing uncertainly halfway down. ‘You’re a horrible person,’ she whispers, fixing me with a defiant glare.
‘Holly…’ Jason says quietly.
