‘Well, she’s definitely a girl with an intriguing past,’ Jessie said. ‘You’ve got me going mad here, trying to work out what it is. Maybe one of these days, when you trust me enough, you’ll be able to share with me and put me out of my misery.’
Now Jason felt bad. ‘It’s not that I don’t trust you, Jessie. It’s just it’s not something she would want made general knowledge.’
‘God, thesuspense.’ Jessie sighed dramatically. ‘Ah well, not to worry. I respect you for respecting her, to be honest. So you know though, I would never break a confidence. I’ve had that done to me – some eejit of a boyfriend telling all and sundry about things that were for his ears only. Like I say, some people can be real douches.’
Jason couldn’t help thinking she might be listing him as one of them, after he’d as good as said he didn’t trust her.
‘So, how’re the children?’ Jessie changed the subject. ‘Sleeping, I assume?’
‘In bed,’ Jason confirmed. ‘I’m not sure they’re sleeping though.’
‘Poor wee angels,’ Jessie said. ‘You know, I was thinking, you should take a break. With the children, I mean. A long weekend, maybe? You could always bring them here,’ she continued, before Jason could answer. ‘There’d be loads for them to do. We could take them to the adventure centre just outside of Carlow. It’s the largest in Ireland. They could have a go at karting, archery, soccer, wall climbing, roller skating, zip line…’
Jessie was on a roll, it seemed. Jason didn’t interrupt. Just listening to her melodic voice, hearing her enthusiasm, somehow made him feel less stressed.
‘There’s tons of other stuff too,’ she went on, ‘There’s the Chocolate Garden, that’s a must for kids – a working chocolate and ice cream factory, with workshops, an ice cream parlour and play areas. If they’re into more intellectually stimulating stuff, there’s the visual centre for contemporary art, and there’s loads of outdoor activities: canoeing, mountain biking, paintballing, cycling, walking…’
Jason found himself smiling as she stopped, possibly to catch her breath. ‘You sound as if you’re up for all of it.’
‘Oh, I am.’ She laughed, in that light, carefree way she did. ‘But watch out for me on the mountain bike slopes. I’m hot stuff. And I’m a mean canoeist.’
‘As long as your anchor doesn’t weigh you down,’ Jason suggested, his mind going back to the photo and the tempting expanse of bare flesh she’d sent him.
‘Ah, see, that’s where I’d be wanting my hero to come to the rescue.’
‘At your service,’ Jason assured her. ‘You’re definitely into outdoor activities then?’
‘Absolutely. I like to keep myself fit, mostly on the way back from the Chocolate Garden. That’s not to say I’m not into the odd romantic meal, too; walking in the rain, as long as I’ve got a brolly; barefoot on the beach and so on. I find that quite therapeutic. Do you like dogs?’ she asked, at a tangent.
And Jason felt guilty all over again. They’d been planning to get one. The kids were desperate for one. They hadn’t decided when yet, but they’d definitely decided on what: a Labrador. They’d even talked about taking long walks on the beach with it. Holidaying in Devon or Pembrokeshire maybe, both of which had dog-friendly beaches, where the kids could let off some steam. ‘I do,’ he said, a new heaviness settling in his chest.
‘Excellent. I was thinking of getting one from the rescue place, to stave off the loneliness of empty nights on my own. We have a lot in common.’
‘We do,’ Jason agreed, trying not to let his mind linger on what could never be.
‘Look, seriously, think about what I said about coming to stay,’ Jessie went on. ‘I have bags of room here at the cottage now my housemate’s moved out. Well, a spare room anyway, so you and I might need to cosy up, but if you were up for that…’
‘I think I could cope,’ Jason said quietly, actually considering the idea and thinking that it didn’t seem like a bad one. ‘It sounds like a plan.’
‘Let me have some dates,’ Jessie said. ‘I’m going to be coming to the UK to see my brother soon. He’s working in Birmingham. I was thinking that maybe we could travel back together? What do you think?’
‘I, er…’ Jason hesitated, and then wondered why. ‘Okay, why not?’
‘Brilliant.’ Jessie sounded pleased. ‘Uh-oh, I’d better go back inside. My shift starts in five minutes. Looks like it’s going to be a madhouse in A&E already. I’ll call you tomorrow.’
‘Speak then. Take care, Jessie.’ Jason ended the call with a bewildered shake of his head. He felt as if he’d just been hit by a tornado. But he also felt better than he had when he’d come home.
Thirty-Two
KARLA
The last time I drank this much – in my youth, which now seems like a lifetime ago – it altered my perception of everything around me into something bearable. I felt exhilarated, uplifted and relaxed at the same time. Above all, I felt happy, filled with the overwhelming urge to dance. The lights were brighter, the colours more intense. I was locked into the music, confident on the dance floor. Free of the pain. Every and any sound was danceable to. Leaving the nightclub, I could have danced to the thrum of the rain on the pavement outside, the distant screams of a police siren. Hugged everyone and anyone.
Now, as I sit on the lowered loo seat, waiting for the walls to slow down, I feel nothing but cold and empty. In this club heaving with people, I am suddenly, irrevocably lost. A lonely, abandoned woman sitting on her own in a toilet – no one to reach out to, no one to hold me, no one to hold my hair back as I vomit into the bowl. Jason had done that once, when we were young, when being recklessly stupid was a rite of passage. He’d held me, carried me to bed, undressed me, carefully and respectfully, lain with me.
Stroked my hair softly until I’d fallen asleep.
Wrapping my arms about myself, I quiet a sob and try to still the fresh wave of nausea rising inside me, the acrid grief that grips me and won’t let go. The jealousy. I love him. I miss him. I am mourning him – my husband, my lover, the father of my children. The man I am losing.
