Jason watched the display on the clock clicking over the hours before he finally fell asleep. He slept heavily, dark and dream-filled, until he woke with a start. Sure he’d heard a crash in the kitchen below, he scrambled out of bed and headed downstairs. He was aware that the reception he would get from Karla would be cool. She’d barely spoken to him in the week he’d been home. She wasn’t likely to want to speak to him, given the circumstances, but he was concerned – for her, for the effect all this would have on their children.
Going into the kitchen, he found things were far from the usual organised chaos of a school morning. Karla was still in her dressing gown, picking up pieces of what appeared to be a broken plate from the floor, and Holly looked far from happy, slumped disgruntledly at the breakfast table.
‘I don’t even like honey,’ she moaned, curling a lip as she leaned in to pluck the spoon from the jar and watch the golden gloop drip from it.
‘Ugh, looks like snot.’ Josh, who was also still in his nightwear, looked up from his iPad to observe.
‘Holly…’ Sighing, Karla straightened up and pressed a hand to her forehead. ‘Just eat your toast, sweetheart, will you?’
Holly flopped heavily back in her chair. ‘I don’t like toast,’ she scowled. ‘It’s burnt. Why can’t we have porridge? We always have porridge in the—’
‘Because there’s no milk!’ Karla snapped, and then, remorse flooding her face, she turned quickly away. ‘Eat your breakfast, please,’ she said, her voice strained, as she pushed the broken pieces of crockery into the bin.
She was struggling not to cry, Jason realised. Guilt weighed heavily inside him. He watched hopelessly as, her belligerence deflating, Holly’s eyes also filled up. She wasn’t upset about the breakfast offerings, he was well aware. She was upset because Karla was upset, acting out of character. They both were. The kids could sense that things were far from right between them. How could they not?
Knowing he was the cause of all this, and wary of making things worse, he walked hesitantly across to where Holly was now fiddling with the toast on her plate. It had been cremated and then scraped. She wasn’t going to eat it. ‘Go and grab a couple of biscuits and an apple, sweetheart,’ he said. ‘I’ll make sure to get some milk in for tomorrow.’
‘Dad to the rescue.’ Karla smiled shortly, brushing past him to get to the table. Jason didn’t miss the sarcasm in her voice. Nor, it seemed, did Holly. She watched her mum guardedly as she climbed off her chair and went to the biscuit barrel. Jason felt his heart drop. Now he’d announced that he wanted out of their marriage, he ought to just go – his being here wasn’t helping the situation – but he was growing more and more worried, which Karla would find laughable. He didn’t want to leave her like this. He didn’t actually have anywhere to go either. And, God help him, he didn’t want to. But there was no way he could stay. He’d agonised over whether to tell Karla about the news her loving father had delivered and had decided he just couldn’t. Certainly not without knowing whether her mother had any idea.
‘Josh?’ He walked around to ruffle his son’s hair, trying for some kind of normalcy; there’d been none since he’d walked back in to blow their lives apart. ‘Go and get some clothes on, tiger.’ He offered him a reassuring smile. ‘And then I’ll drive you to school.’
Josh blinked up at him. ‘Can I take my iPad?’ he asked.
‘I don’t see why not.’ Jason glanced questioningly across to Karla.
‘In the car, yes. Into school, no,’ Karla said, her despairing look communicating that he was countermanding an already laid-down rule. Jason made a mental note. Clearly Josh was pushing the boundaries too.
‘It’s not fair. Everyone else does.’ Nudging his glasses up his nose, Josh sighed and slid off his chair.
‘Everyone else doesn’t, Josh, as you very well know,’ Karla pointed out, collecting up plates from the table. ‘Now hurry up and get dressed, please. And don’t forget to brush your teeth.’
‘Iwon’t. You don’t have to keep flipping reminding me,’ Josh replied, his tone exasperated as he trudged into the hall.
‘Andyouneed to learn a little respect, Josh Connolly,’ Karla warned him, which prompted a moody glare from Holly as she followed her brother out.
Running his hand over his neck, Jason decided that not commenting might be prudent. ‘Are their lunches in the fridge?’ he asked instead.
Karla stopped loading up the dishwasher and walked across to open the fridge. ‘Oh?’ she said, a puzzled look on her face as she gazed inside it. ‘The paid staff are slacking, obviously.’ She banged the door shut. ‘I’d sack them, if I were you. I mean, we wouldn’t want thelodgerhaving to lift a finger to help out with the domestic chores, would we?’
He’d asked for that, Jason supposed. ‘I’ll grab something on the way,’ he said quietly.
‘Good idea.’ Karla went back to the dishwasher. ‘You can grab something for dinner as well. I won’t be here.’
‘No problem.’ Jason furrowed his brow. ‘Are you out tonight then?’ he asked tentatively.
‘As it happens, yes,’ Karla said. She didn’t look at him. She hadn’t looked at him full on since he’d come back to casually break her heart. ‘I’m going into work this afternoon and then out straight after, so I won’t have time to cook,’ she informed him. ‘But it’s actually none of your business any more, what I do, is it?
She was right. She had no obligation to share anything with him any more. Jason swallowed back a deep sense of grief.
‘God, now the dishwasher’s not working.’ Running her hands through her newly cropped hair, Karla fixed her gaze on the ceiling. ‘Why?’ she asked, her voice tight. ‘Why is this happening? What did I do – apart from fall in love withyou– that was sowrong?’
Her eyes were full of crushing hurt as they came back to his, and Jason knew he wasn’t wrong. Whatever Fenton had said – attempting to drive the last nail into the coffin – she hadn’t just stopped loving him. Had she?
He watched a slow tear slide down her cheek, and his heart almost cracked inside him. ‘Karla, don’t.’ He wanted to reach out to her but stopped himself. ‘None of this is your fault.’
‘No?’ Karla did look at him then, her sharp blue eyes a kaleidoscope of bewildered emotion. ‘But it’s not your fault, is it, Jason?’ The facetious tone was back, along with bitter disillusionment. ‘I mean, you’re just such an all-round great guy. You would never do anything that might risk your marriage, would you? Risk ruining your children’s lives?’
Dragging her gaze away from him, she turned to walk out of the kitchen, leaving Jason feeling like the worst hypocrite that ever walked the earth.
