Harlan
I would love to. What time should I be there?
Me
I’ll pick you up at your version of 8 a.m.
Harlan
Ha! I’ll be ready by 9 then. Thank you for inviting me. xx
Saturday morning hits with frigid temperatures and snow in the forecast. Before I leave the house, I make some hot chocolate on the stovetop and put it in travel mugs for Harlan and me. Nothing will get in the way of us bringing some joy to the kids in the hospital, so I leave a little early to give us more time. My trunk is loaded with gifts, and I know a lot of the other guys have presents as well. I pull on my Santa hat and my Sea Scorpions-branded ugly Christmas sweater, refusing to allow the weather to dampen my mood. For Harlan’s benefit, I even turn the Christmas station on.
When Harlan comes out of his building in a pair of sparkly green leggings, black boots, and a sparkly red sweater, a grin breaks out over my face. He’s also grinning as he climbs into the passenger seat. “You’re going to freeze, Lan!” It’s definitely too cold for him not to be wearing a coat.
“Unless you plan on leaving me outside, I’ll be fine to walk from the car to the building.” He leans over, planting a kiss on my cheek. “You look hot.” He turns the vents toward him and waves his hands in front of them to warm up.
“And you look beautiful, as always. I made you some hot chocolate.” I motion to the cups. “Ready to go play Santa?” I pull out onto the street as the snow starts coming down more steadily.
“Santa’s helper, actually, but yes. I’m very excited!” He’s bouncing in his seat, which is so endearing that I wish I could watch the unbridled joy on his face instead of the road. We spend the rest of the drive discussing the gifts we got and his trip to see his parents next week. As I expected, he tells me that he’s not really looking forward to it. “I should have told them I couldn’t make it.”
“I’m sorry you’re not looking forward to it. I know Amelia will be happy to have you there, though. Your mom, too.” I’ve always gotten along well with Harlan’s parents, but his relationship with them works best when they’re not under the same roof.
“At least it’s not a long trip,” he concedes. “I know Mum is always happy to have us home.”
We meet up with the rest of the team at the hospital and carry a huge variety of toys—dolls, action figures, puzzles, blocks, books, and everything in between. We also splurged on a few handheld consoles for the hospital to have on hand for the older kids. The care staff and nurses are efficient and get us set up in the lounge on the pediatric floor before the kids descend. We’re all handed nametags where we write our names and pronouns. They have a tree set up and Christmas decorations all over the huge room, making it feel far less sterile than the rest of the hospital. The snow blanketing the city outside the window is a beautiful backdrop to the festivities.
Once the parents and nurses start leading the kids in, it becomes organized chaos. Upbeat Christmas music is filtering out of a speaker in the corner as the kids line up to pick their presents. The team, and their families, spread out to talk to the kids, sign autographs, and take pictures. Harlan stays close by me but remains fully engaged with the children.
“I love your sparkly makeup,” I hear a soft voice tell Harlan. With a break between helping kids, I turn to watch the interaction. “Your nametag says he/him, but you have sparkles. Mom, look at his glitter!” The woman standing a few feet away approaches.
“Everyone can wear glitter as long as their mums are ok with the mess.” Harlan winks and kneels. “What’s your name?”
“My name is Ethan. I’m he/him, too. I just like pretty things,” he almost whispers, like he doesn’t want the other kids to hear. “Sometimes my friends at school make fun of me for wearing nail polish.”
“I’m really sorry that they aren’t very nice about it. I paint my nails sometimes, too. Sometimes people don’t understand, but people like you and me? We get to shine, ok? Don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t shine, Ethan. Boys can be pretty, too.” The conviction in Harlan’s voice brings tears to my eyes. It’s such a huge reminder of why I fell in love with him in the first place. He is a truly miraculous human. And based on Ethan’s mom’s face, she feels the same way.
“Ok,” Ethan says quietly. “Can I pick out a present? Maybe a doll?” He eyes the variety of dolls sitting on the table next to Harlan, excitement shining in his big brown eyes.
“You can pick out whatever doll you want. I can help if you like,” Harlan assures him. He stands, holding out his hand to Ethan. I watch with rapt attention as they browse through all of the dolls, discussing which ones they like the best. Harlan wasalways meant to change the world, and just being his authentic, beautiful self is accomplishing that.
“You’re very lucky.” A feminine voice startles me. I turn to see Ethan’s mom standing next to me, watching as closely as I am. Ethan is squeezing a doll with brown hair against his chest as Harlan leans in and says something too softly to hear.
I don’t tell her that I’m not that lucky, that he’s not mine. I am lucky to share any space with that beautiful boy. “That, I am,” I agree. “He’s incredibly special.” Once they’re finished with their whispered conversation, they come closer to us, and Ethan excitedly shows his mom the toy he chose.
Like a magnet, Harlan finds his way to me, standing close enough for our hands to brush. I take his in mine, and he offers me the most stunning smile. His eyes twinkle with warmth as he leans closer and says, “I’m so grateful I was included in this. It was the best Christmas present I could ever ask for.”
“I love your heart, Harlan James. The way that you care for others is a gift.” The fierce desire to kiss him steals my breath. Now is not the time, and this is definitely not the place, but I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted anything more. Not for the first time, I wonder if I’ll ever cease to be amazed by him. When Ethan’s nurse comes to get him, Ethan runs back to Harlan to give him a hug.
“Thank you for helping me pick out my present. It’s going to be my favorite doll because she’s pretty just like you,” Ethan says with his arms wrapped tightly around Harlan’s neck. When Harlan looks up, I can see the tears threatening to fall.
Maybe I won't get to spend Christmas with Harlan this year, but I don’t think I could have asked for a better way to celebrate with him.
I’m kickingmyself for waiting until less than a week before Christmas to do gift shopping, but it was worth it to spend last weekend at the hospital with the Scorpions, handing out gifts. I haven’t stopped thinking about Ethan since that day. Most days, I feel like I don’t have my shit together. Ethan reminded me that I really can make a difference by just being proud of who I am.
The shops are packed like sardines, and no one has any patience. I am also short on patience at this point. The best part of the day is that I’ll be meeting Antonella for lunch. She flew in with her family last night, and I fly out to see my parents tomorrow night, so we almost missed each other. It’s been too long since I’ve seen her, and anxiety bleeds in through the excitement. I actually have no clue how this meeting will go, considering I haven’t spoken to her since I left New York last year.
“Harlan!” I look in the direction of the familiar voice and see Antonella sitting at a table that’s covered with a red and white checkered cloth. I don’t have time to appreciate the homey feel,as I’m engulfed in a hug from the little spitfire, who has launched herself into my arms. “It’s been too long.
