“No, Lucky,” she whispered. “You would have dragged me half dead onto that ship where I would have bled out in your arms. I wouldn’t have made itwithout immediate medical attention. And if we didn’t get out, we would have been more bodies Syrox’s goons would have thrown in the incinerator.”
She stood to rest a heavy hand on my shoulder. Her voice drilled a hole into my skull, words my mind needed to hear yet couldn’t comprehend. “It took me a long time to realize there wasn’t a damn thing to be done, and that is the hardest part to accept. I certainly haven’t yet, but I’m… I’m trying.”
The door shut upon her departure. It wasn’t until the ramp grumbled into place that I cried. The traitorous tears fell and fell. I indignantly wiped away the evidence of my turmoil. No one was heading this way, but I felt like they knew I was breaking apart after years of cutting myself on the pieces I shoved into place.
I wanted Roys, childishly, as if he could solve every problem merely by being here. I never called for him, sitting there in the cockpit alone for hours and replaying that moment on the dock a thousand times. The memory didn’t hurt as much after Maddy’s words sank in. There wasn’t a damn thing to be done. We were lucky to have a chance to mend what remained, and…
I would mend it. I would do anything for a glimpse of what we once were. If I could do it all over again, if I could put myself in her place instead…
“We’re heading back in,” Roys said over the commlink.
I wiped at my eyes and shoved on my visor. “Copy that.”
The group returned huffing from the humid day. They crowded into the cabin, voices carrying through the closed door. Roys entered the cockpit carrying the visor under his arm.
“Miss me?” he teased after shutting the door.
“Hardly.”
Chuckling, he leaned over to catch his finger under the hem of my exoskin. With a tug, he revealed a swatch of my neck for himto kiss. My skin broke out in goosebumps, and my core tightened when he dragged his teeth before departing.
“Tease,” I grumbled, although I wouldn’t risk taking my visor off. Roys would notice something was off, and I didn’t want to talk here. “Nothing troublesome happened?”
“Nope.” Roys got comfortable while I finished the last of my checks. “Arana said she hasn’t received any more messages, which could actually be a bad thing.”
“Yeah.” It pointed toward our worry of pirates being on their way.
Roys went over the messages on his commlink. “The habitat is clear, too, with no signs of anything unusual.”
“I don’t know if that’s relieving or not.”
“Me neither.”
Once everyone was ready, we departed. Roys slept most of the way,much to my relief, and I thought of Maddy back there, trying her best and told myself I would try my best, too.
038
Atthehabitat,Roysretired early under the guise of updates to send to Corporate. He wouldn’t let anyone know how unwell he was, for obvious reasons. There shouldn’t be a sense of pride in me for knowing the truth, but alas.
The nap on the shuttle wasn’t enough, and the sweltering weather couldn’t have eased his symptoms. He would have done better on the shuttle. Then again, if we exchanged places, Maddy and I wouldn’t have talked…
She went to the lab the moment we returned. We hadn’t talked since then, I wouldn’t know what to say. Apologize over and over, making her angrier because I couldn’t fathom what more to do. Deep down, I knew her words held truth, but nothing removed the guilt and shame and embarrassment and self-loathing. Years and years of it had spread, a relentless rust eating away at my core, and I didn’t know how to fix it or if I could.
But I knew there was someone whose mere presence could make me blind to all else.
After an hour, I left the group to play their card games. None of them enjoyed playing with me anyway, sothey weren’t curious about my departure. I went to the office to check on Roys. He wasn’t there, so I went to his room, where the door opened to the sound of heaving from the bathroom. He had used his commlink to let me in, where I joined him, settling a hand on his back while he coughed over the rim.
“You should make an excuse to stay in tomorrow,” I said.
“I didn’t take much. This shouldn’t last long."
“Maybe under better circumstances, but with this weather, your symptoms will get worse.”
Roys heaved. Having nothing more to give, he suffered, coughing up nothing. His muscles spasmed beneath my hand, and sweat poured down his bare back. He had stripped, leaving himself in nothing but boxers. Heat rose from his skin as if he suffered from a fever. I presented him with a glass of water followed by the toothbrush. He spat into the toilet, grumbling when I used a rag to wipe his mouth.
“Let’s get you in the shower.”
He bit back a bitter laugh. “Honestly, I don’t think I can stand up right now.”
