‘That’s hardly surprising, given what you’d witnessed as a child. You might not have fully understood what you’d seen, but some kind of self-preservation instinct would have kicked in and made you wary of him. It might even have been that he sensed that in you, and that could explain why he gave you a hard time.’
‘I’d never thought of that. But please don’t think I ever minded that he favoured you over me. I didn’t. I was immensely proud of you, but I never envied you. In fact, I felt sorry for you at times, that Dad expected so much of you and that you expected so much of yourself.’
Martha could have wept at her sister’s generosity and at the injustice of their father having defined them from so young an age. ‘Oh Willow,’ she said, ‘you have such a sweet and forgiving nature, and perhaps deep down, I’ve always been envious of that. I’m headstrong and opinionated and sometimes that gets in the way of my judgement, and my ability to be nice. Just ask Tom! But you could surely have confided in Mum about the assault on you and then being pregnant? She has always been your greatest cheerleader. There’s nothing she wouldn’t have done for you.’
Willow’s face suddenly looked sad. ‘No,’ she said softly. ‘Mum would have told Dad, she wouldn’t have kept something like that from him. And anyway, I saw it as my mistake which I had to deal with myself. I wanted to carry on with my life as though that awful thing had never happened. By never telling anyone, not even Mum, I hoped I could almost kid myself into believing it was nothing but a bad dream.Which sounds pathetic, doesn’t it? But I also didn’t want people to know about it, because then I’d forever be labelled as a victim, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want their pity or my shame to be known.’
‘You had no reason to feel any shame. You did nothing wrong. You weren’t to blame. You might not have believed it before, but you must now. You really must.’
‘I know,’ Willow said, ‘that’s what Mum kept saying to me last night. She was so upset, wasn’t she?’ added Willow after a pause. ‘I hate knowing that I’ve done that to her. I heard her crying in bed with Ellis. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her sound so distraught.’
‘It’s because she loves you.’
‘I suppose that’s how we’re going to be as mothers, aren’t we?’ said Willow, casting aside the rag doll and placing her hands over her stomach beneath the duvet. ‘It’s a scary thought, isn’t it, feeling that depth of responsibility and love? Or perhaps it doesn’t feel so scary to you?’
Martha smiled. ‘I assure you it does. There’s so much to learn while on the job, and potentially so much to get wrong. But you know what, we’ll muddle through just like millions of other new mothers have done.’
‘Well, muddling is what I do best,’ said Willow.
‘Don’t put yourself down. You’ll be great.’ Then, conscious that she was venturing into an area that her sister might not feel able to discuss, that it was just too personal for her, Martha chose her next words with great care. ‘Do you ever think of the baby you …’ she hesitated, ‘didn’t have?’
‘You mean the baby I got rid of?’ Willow said bluntly.
Martha nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘I never saw it as a real baby at the time. How could it be when I terminated it when it was no more than a tiny blob of cells? But if you’re asking if I ever wondered what the child would have been like as the years went by, then yes, just occasionally it would creep up on me.’ She turned her head to look away, to the window where the curtains were pushed back, and the weak early morning light was breaking through clouds of indigo and violet. She stared at the sky for the longest moment, as though momentarily distracted. Then returning her gaze to Martha, she said, ‘This might sound selfish, but what I thought much more about was what my life might have been like if I’d never gone to that party.’
Her sister’s words brought a lump to Martha’s throat. ‘That’s not selfish at all,’ she said, ‘it’s perfectly understandable.’
Having always seen herself as the stronger and more capable sister, that certainty was now gone for Martha. To have survived what she had all on her own, Willow had proved herself to have the kind of strength Martha doubted she herself possessed. Humbled to her core, she leant forward, and as much as their baby bumps would allow, she hugged Willow with a tender love she hadn’t felt before.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Later that afternoon, and when they hadn’t long since been back from the doctor’s surgery, Mum having insisted that Willow be seen by both a doctor and a midwife, there was a ring at the front door. Being as jittery as she was, the sound of the bell made Willow jump. It startled the baby inside her too, setting her off performing what felt like a series of cartwheels.
It had to be Rick. Finally, he’d driven down here to have it out with Willow. The storm, like so many before, was about to break. In a way she welcomed it; it would be a relief for the waiting to be over. Maybe then her blood pressure would sort itself out.
The midwife Willow had just seen had said that her blood pressure was higher than it should be and had warned her that she needed to be careful. Willow had wanted to say that after the last twenty-four hours, it was a miracle her blood pressure hadn’t skyrocketed off the chart. The midwife had also noted that her ankles were showing signs of swelling and while that was relatively normal for an expectant mother at thirty-three weeks, she advised Willow to rest as much as she could, and with her feet up. Which was what she had been doing in the kitchen when the doorbell had rung. Now, and with a rush of adrenaline,she was on her feet, as though ready to meet the storm head on.
‘I’ll go,’ said Ellis, already moving towards the door.
The lightning-fast way he reacted made Willow think he was expecting it to be Rick as well. Everyone else must have thought the same because while he was out of the kitchen, Mum, Martha and Auntie Geraldine gathered around Willow as though creating a human shield. She knew that after what she’d told them yesterday, and on top of what Rick had done to her, they couldn’t stop themselves from being ultra-protective of her, or treating her with kid gloves. They meant well, she knew that, but somehow it only made her feel worse.
She’d had no intention of ever telling anyone what had happened to her, but after listening to her mother’s painful confession on the beach yesterday, it had suddenly felt right to do the same, to shed the coat of lies she’d worn all these years. If Mum could do it, why not her?
But it hadn’t been easy reliving that brief time in her life and with each word she’d wrenched from that dark place deep inside her, she had felt a part of her disappearing. She was no longer the person everyone had thought her to be. Now they could see her as she really was, someone who had tried so hard to shut out the world so she could live in her own safe little bubble.
She might have expected to feel better after breaking her vow of silence, to feel the relief of a great weight lifted from her shoulders, but she hadn’t. If anything, she felt worse, even more weighed down with the burden of now carrying everyone else’s shock and anger.
As the murmur of voices in the hall grew louder and Ellis reappeared in the kitchen doorway, Willow saw that it wasn’t Rick with him,but a short-haired woman in a black leather jacket with a red scarf tied around her neck. A few paces behind her was a gangly uniformed policeman. The woman flashed what appeared to be some sort of official ID and introduced herself as Detective Constable Fowler, adding that she was part of a major crime investigation team.
It was when she asked Willow and Martha which one of them was Rick Falconer’s fiancée – a Miss Willow Miller – and then suggested that perhaps they might all like to sit down, that a feeling of dread swept over Willow.
Whatever storm she had feared was about to break, it wasn’t this and even now, after Mum and Ellis had driven her to London, and she was being shown through to the ICU at the hospital where Rick had been admitted the previous night, she couldn’t believe what had happened to him.
According to what witnesses had told the police and paramedics when they’d arrived on the scene, Rick had been about to get into his car which was parked outside his flat when he’d seen an elderly woman on the other side of the road being mugged by two youths in hoodies. Without a thought for his own safety, so the witnesses said, he’d gone to the woman’s assistance and then one of the attackers had knocked him to the ground and the other had stabbed him several times. He’d lost a lot of blood before the ambulance arrived and had undergone emergency surgery when brought in, Willow was told.
It had taken the investigating police officers last night and all of this morning to track her down. Using Rick’s mobile phone records, and going to his place of work, they had discovered that he had given Willow as his next of kin with the HR department,but only after they had found out where she worked and they’d approached AoK had they then found a way to contact her. Willow still had Mum listed as her next of kin; it had never crossed her mind to change it to Rick. That simple oversight on her part said so much about their relationship and she suspected it would prick at her conscience for a long time to come.
