Maybe there was a small part of me, deep inside, that didn’thatethe idea. But I was just a person, one who’d been denied even basic considerations all their life.
Maybe the power I was so suddenly granted was going to my head. Or maybe… maybe this damn thing was taking every tiny little feeling inside us and amplifying it, I realized.
Face the darkness inside, Jemisha had said. Is this what she meant? It dragged up every bit of darkness inside of us and made us feel the full force of it.
Making usacceptthe darkness within us.
I was a person full of anxiety and rage. A selfish one. I had never realized that about myself, but maybe I should have. I’d spent so long cutting myself off from everyone to avoid the pain that I’d focused only on myself. Even after being rescued, I’d had to be shown the worst of it to change my focus from it being all about my own revenge to it being about everyone.
But there wasn’t anything inherently wrong witha bitof selfishness, was there? Maybe it was even expected,normal, after being raised a slave. As long as I didn’t lose myself in it.
Or try to kill all of Calix’s past lovers out of fits of stupid jealousy. I’d always been a jealous person; I knew that. I’d been jealous of everything the Fae had, which maybe contributed to having a bit of selfishness now.
And as far as my rage went? I knew I couldn’t let it turn me into a monster. I would be just as bad as Cyrus if I did. He’d once talked of how similar we were, and that sent chills down my spine just thinking about it. We did have similarities, yes. But so did Calix and I, and he wasn’t evil.
I couldn’t let myself give in to the rage fully. I had to pull myself back and focus on the goal. On stopping him and freeing the humans. Saving the balance. Giving into my own pain and hate for Cyrus would only lead me to make the same mistakes he did.
As for my anxiety and my fears, I could only accept that I may not ever push them away entirely. They were a part of me after so many years spent worrying about everything. But like Jemisha had said, I could still rise above it.
I could live despite my fears.
I could push past them and pursue happiness, whether I feared it or not. Whether I trusted it or not. I could one day live a life of light and joy, despite all the darkness inside my soul.
I may have a bit of a monster inside of me. One that wanted to burn down the corrupt leaders of Celesterra and start again. One who wanted revenge for all the pain they caused. But I could live with that monster as long as it was leashed properly. I would use that monster in me to do what needed to be done, and do it well.
Suddenly, my vision was assaulted with light.
I blinked against the brightness, realizing it wasn’t actually all that bright. It was still the same dank grey as the rest of Tartarus. But compared to pure darkness, it might as well have been Elysium.
“Fuck,” Calix rasped, and I realized he was trembling.
“Did you face all your own worst qualities too?” I asked quietly, and he nodded raggedly.
“Face the darkness inside.” He snorted, running a hand through his long silvery-white hair. “I didn’t expect to be assaulted with every damn bit of darkness inside myself quite so literally.”
I knew he’d lived a much longer life than me. And in that time, he’d done a number of things he wasn’t proud of. Including killing a great number of Fae to free humans. As he sat himself down and put his elbows to his knees, burying his face in his hands, I found myself rushing over to him.
Even as the darkness I’d faced inside my own soul still lingered in my mind, my priority was Calix.
“I think I much prefer your own brand of darkness, my dorchadas,” I joked quietly, making him snort what was almost a laugh.
“Yeah, me too.” His quiet response made me worry more. He seemed weighed down with the weight of his soul, and I hated it.
“You know, those things the darkness made us face, they don’t define us.” I began. “It took little pieces of things inside me and made them feel so much bigger and stronger. Things I would never truly think suddenly seemed like the most obvious ideas in the world.”
“I’ve already warned you I’m a monster, but I guess having to really feel it, just drove home how fucking unworthy I am of you,” he admitted, looking up with shining eyes full of color.
“Youaren’t,” I insisted. “That wasn’t real, Calix.”
“It was,” he argued, shaking his head. “In every way that matters, it was. I had to feel every damn monstrous emotion that lives inside me. And I had to face that those things are all a part of me. I don’t know why you would want to be with me after that. You deserve someone who’s not bogged down by all the things I’ve done.”
“Fuck that,” I hissed, making his head rear back slightly. “I don’t give a shit what you’ve done. You think I’m not capable of the same? You’re my soulmate for a reason, Calix. We’re both capable of being jealous, selfish, rage-filled monsters.”
He blinked in surprise, and his tense form softened slightly as he realized he wasn’t the only one with that darkness inside them.
“We’re the same inside, my dorchadas,” I whispered tenderly, lifting a hand to his cheek. I brushed my thumb along the sharp cheekbone before leaning in to kiss him.
He fell into my kiss and was quick to grab my hair in a harsh grip and pull me even deeper into him. I somehow ended up on his lap, his hands buried in my hair as we battled for dominance.
