Tears still in her eyes, she exhales.“I would never hurt her, and neither would her sister, it was a terrible accident.I wanted to put some of our differences behind us before the baby came.I received an invitation to the baby shower, and I just wanted to talk to her.Oh my God, my little girl.I should have never asked her to come over…” She continues sobbing.“If I had known this would have…I just want to see her, to hold her…”
“I know.”
“Nick was right, I should have been a better mother.”
“We do the best we can.We are not perfect, and they don’t come with answers.When they’re born we have to find our own answers.My son will soon learn the same thing is true for him now that he’s a father.”
Nick
A light, familiar scent Iknow well wafts around me.She places a warm hand on my shoulder.I sit back in the chair beside Cat’s bed and put my hand over the comforting touch.
“What am I going to do if she doesn’t wake up, Mom?”
“She will.I have a feeling.Like I have a feeling she’s going to be your wife.”
“I don’t know if I can do this without her.What am I going to tell him if his mother doesn’t wake up?”
“Don’t think that, she’s strong, she’s a fighter.She’s not going to leave that beautiful baby boy.She’s resting, building up her strength to deal with you and Jace, who’s probably going be like his daddy.One woman against two Alexander men, she’ll need all the rest she can get.Take it from me, I know what I’m talking about.”
“Yeah, you do.Were we that bad?”
“Worse.Your father was unbearable, you I could deal with.”
“Unconditional love and all that stuff.”
“Yes.”She bends over kissing me on the cheek.“I ran into her mother downstairs.She’s not taking it well.”
“She’s not doing too well?Is she the one lying in this bed?”I don’t want to hear about her.I take my mother’s hand off my shoulder and turn around to see her.
“Now, Nick, I’m not going to try and tell you what you should do.She is her mother, if it was you in this bed, I would want to see you.”
“With all respect I have for you as my mother, you’ve lost your mind if you think I’m going to let her anywhere near her.Don’t bring this to me again.If you’re not with me on this then you’re with them on the other side and you don’t belong in here with her.I’m fighting to protect her and my son from the people who put them in here.They did this to her.”
“I am always on your side.I love you, Cat, and my grandson.”
“Then don’t make me have to choose between my families.The woman I love and our son will always come first.”
“And they should always come first.I’m proud of you for doing what you think is right to protect them.”She puts her arms around my neck, kisses me on the head like when I was a little boy, then leaves me with my thoughts.
I gather her hands between mine, hoping she’ll wake up.I brush my hand over her hair.She’s so still, and I’m afraid.For the first time in my life, I’m truly afraid.I put my head against hers and pour my heart out to her tired and weary.
“I love you so damn much—you are my life.You better not leave me to raise him on my own!We need you, I need you.I need your love probably more than him, as selfish as that is.I can give him all the love I have, but what kind of love is that if I don’t have you?I can’t see my life without you.I know you won’t leave us.I’m going to wait for you; you are going to come back to us.We are going to raise our son together, and you will finally say yes and become my wife till death do us part.
“We’re going to have good times, bad times, and I’m going to yell, scream and shout, you’re going to curse me something awful, give me the silent treatment, and threaten never to speak to me again.Then I’m going to cave like a lovesick sap because I can’t be without you for too long.When we make up, it’s going to be off the charts like it is every time we’re together.The moon, the stars, all that good stuff, out of this world.Not many people in this world get their happily ever after, but we will.I have to believe that for me and our son, or else I have nothing to believe in.”
For the next two weeksI sit by her bed, holding vigil night and day.They take her off the medications and she still doesn’t wake up.The only time I leave the room is to see our son.He’s getting stronger each day.Changing and growing, she should be holding him and watching him grow.I think he’s going to have my eyes.He’s doing things he shouldn’t yet, being premature.I fed him for the first time this week, and all I could think of was Cat should be here.I should be watching her feed our son, holding him, kissing him.This doesn’t feel right.Her family is fighting me, and I’m fighting back with everything I have and every connection I’ve made in my life.They will never lay eyes on my son or her as long as they’re in here.I don’t care what I have to do to keep them away.They are going to pay for what they’ve stolen, if I have to take justice into my own hands.I’m going to show them as much forgiveness as they showed her.
Every day I tell her about Jace and the little amazing things he does, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.I’m going to be her eyes and ears for him.I do the same for him every day I see him; I tell him about his mother.I show him her picture on my phone, even though most of the time he’s sleeping.It makes me feel better, like I’m keeping them connected.
I haven’t cried a day since they’ve been here.I don’t know why?Maybe because it would seem like I’m accepting defeat.I will not do that.That’s the last thing I will do, but one night I almost did.
I lay down on the bed beside her and begged her to wake up, I was angry and frustrated.So tired.I haven’t slept more than two hours a night since the day they got here.I’m driving the staff crazy, but they remain patient.
Chris and Ava come by every day, sometimes together.I’ve seen him comfort her a few times when she seems like she’s going to dissolve into a puddle of tears.Cat would get a kick out of that.If the situation was different, I’d be cracking jokes at their expense.My mother comes by at the same time daily.Between her and Ava, Jace has a wardrobe he will never be able to finish wearing.She and Ava took over the decorating and renovation of his room.The only thing I care about is that they keep the colors Cat wants.
September
One night four weeks later, I’m sitting at her bed in my chair, holding her hand.Rain is sliding down the windows of her hospital room, my mood as bleak and dark as the sky.I told the hospital I want to take her home.I’ll make sure she has everything she needs until she wakes up.They weren’t too sure, but I was.Jace will be leaving soon, and there is no way I’m leaving her here alone.The times I’ve left I had my mother or Ava stay with her; they’re the only people I trust completely with her.
