“I think he’s hurt as much as you are about how he handled the situation.”
I think for a minute, looking at Sasha playing on the floor.Then I look back at Vanessa.
“The first time I got my period, Jay had to explain it to me.”She purses her lips at me, not knowing why I’m telling her this.I put my hand on my stomach and sit back.“Before you say anything, listen to the story.”
“Okay.”
“I mean, I knew what a period was, but I didn’t know it would happen to me so soon.I went to the bathroom and freaked out.Full-on drama queen hysterics.At the top of my lungs screaming, ‘I’m dying I’m dying, call an ambulance!’”
She covers her mouth laughing.“How old were you?”
“Eleven.”
“And no one ever told you?”
“My mother missed that topic of conversation, of things to know about your body.”
“Didn’t any of your friends get their periods?”
“No, I think I was the first one to join that club into womanhood.Anyway, Jay came rushing upstairs.I told him I was bleeding to death.He kept turning me around and patting me down.He was like, ‘where, where I don’t see anything.’I told him what happened when I went to the bathroom.Then I saw the knowledge dawn on him.Too bad it didn’t dawn on me.Chris came upstairs to complete my embarrassment.Jay was so uncomfortable.He said, ‘Cat, I think you are a woman now.’I said I’m bleeding to death, and you’re telling me I’m a woman now?When what I need is immediate medical attention.’Covering his face, he said, ‘Cat, I think you got your period.’Chris looked at me and was like, TMI.He turned to Jay and said, ‘I’m outta here, you can handle this.’I was mortified.Here I was, having my first period, and my brother had to be the one to tell me.I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”
“Poor thing.Where was your mother?”
“At some garden party or something.He threw me two rolls of paper towels and shoved me into the bathroom and said, I kid you not, ‘use those to dam it up or whatever.You’re going to have to figure something out, this is the best I can do for you.’There I was with two rolls of paper towels stuffed between my legs… I looked like the poster child for a hemorrhoids ad.”I smile at the memory.“He was really great though.He was waiting for me when I came out of the bathroom.He sat me down on the floor and said, ‘I guess I should say something?Congratulations, you’re cursed.’He gave me an awkward hug, like I was contaminated, and I burst into tears.”
“Oh man, he actually said that?”
“Yeah, he did.He gave me a talk about girls and boys and how I had to be extra careful around boys.Then he gave me a bucket of ice cream.He said for some reason it always made girls feel better around this time of the month, and it was supposed to help with cramps or something, he didn’t know.”
“Wow!”
“Yes, wow.Something else to add to one of my most embarrassing moments.I know firsthand how kind he can be.The things he said to me after he found out about Nick and I hurt.I would have never thought he could associate me with the words he used.It wasn’t like I said I’m going to get together with Nick, sister be damned.I didn’t plan it; I didn’t plan any of it.It was inevitable, and it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not.
“Everyone gets to make their mistakes and move on,” I say, thinking about my mother and her indiscretions.“People want to be forgiven, but when it’s time to return the favor, they suddenly forget the mistakes they’ve made in their lives…their flaws, and their imperfections.”Then I remember what Nick said to me on the floor in this same room.“We’re all perfectly imperfect.”
Vanessa nods her head and pats my hand.
“Perfection is not real, it’s an illusion of the way you want people to see you because you don’t want them to see the real you.You have to live your life and do what makes you happy, everyone else does.I can’t live my life for everyone else.Most people, including me, are afraid that if people saw who they really were they wouldn’t be liked or loved.
“We’re taught to believe having flaws is wrong from when we’re little.Look at the most beautiful things in the world and around you.If they have too many flaws, like your diamonds, they are deemed worthless or less than they are truly worth.All because they can’t change what they are to fit into a perfect mold of what other people think perfect should be.That’s not always the truth, though.What might be flawed and worthless to some might be irreplaceably, invaluably, perfect to me.”
“So true.That’s one of the reasons it took me as long as it did to get help for my postpartum depression.So true.”
Sasha breaks the seriousness of our conversation when she looks at me and says,
“Aunty Cat.”
“Yes?”
“You’re fat, you eat too much.”
My mouth drops open.“What!”
“Sasha!That’s not nice, she’s not fat.Aunty Cat’s pregnant, she’s going to have a baby and give you a playmate.”
I laugh, scooping her up and hug her to me.
“I’m the baby, no baby,” she says in a sullen voice.
