“Oh, baby, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to worry you.I thought I was doing a good job of keeping it from you.”
“You keeping secrets from me because you’re afraid of how I’m going to react isn’t a good thing.It’s going to make things worse.”She puts her hand on the side of my face and looks in my eyes, her thumb brushing against my skin.“Why don’t you talk about the baby?”
“You don’t want to hear me talk about that.”I don’t want to talk about it.That was not a good time for her or me in our relationship.I don’t want to bring up things that are going to hurt her.Things that I caused.Why should she have to deal with it?
“Yes, I do.You’re not the only one who lost a loved one.You lost a child and I lost a nephew.I’ll admit, I wasn’t happy Kate was pregnant by you, but I liked the idea of having a nephew and being an aunt again.Kate and I weren’t on good terms, and we’re still not.I don’t know if we will ever be, but I would never wish that kind of pain on her or anyone else.”
“I know you wouldn’t.”It’s not in her to wish that kind of pain on anyone else, no matter how much they hurt her.“I lost two things that night, one I didn’t know how much I loved and one I knew exactly how much I loved.”
She kisses me on the cheek and her eyes soften.“I’m sorry.”
“I was angry earlier.You need to tell me if something is wrong with you or the baby no matter how insignificant it might seem to you.Seeing what happened to Kate, I know things can go wrong at any time.I don’t want that to happen to you if it can be prevented.”
“It won’t.”She’s shaking her head at me, her ponytail swooshing back and forth.
“You don’t know that.You’re as far along as Kate was; a week before, she went to the doctor and everything was fine.Look what happened.I don’t want to go through that again, and I don’t want you to go through that loss.I did what you asked the night you left me at the hospital.You said she needed me, and I should take care of her, and I did.I realized I couldn’t be the one to help her the way she needed because I didn’t love her—I loved you.I was constantly thinking of you when my attention should have been solely on her.I also needed to deal with my issues, but I couldn’t be with the person I loved, and it made it harder.
“She couldn’t get out of bed, and I had to force her to eat.Your mother and I had to take shifts taking care of her for that first week.I realized she needed more help than I could give.It wasn’t helpful for either of us, she was devastated.”
“I didn’t know.”Her eyes glisten, her lips quiver, and she looks down at our hands.
This is why I didn’t want to talk about this with her.I don’t want her feeling guilty about things that she didn’t cause.I kiss her temple and put my arms around her.“This is why I need you to tell me when things like what happened last night happen.I don’t want you to suffer that loss.We’re in this together.Always.Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Lie back, relax.I have work to finish.”She crawls on the bed and I pull the covers over her.Lying back, she yawns, and I kiss the top of her stomach.My eyes move up to hers when I feel it.“Did you feel that?”
“Yes!Your daughter kicked.A real kick, no flutter, a solid kick.”She smiles at me, and I mirror her excitement.
“You think he’ll do it again?”
“I don’t know.”
“Be quiet, be quiet, let me see.”I put my mouth to her stomach and talk.“Come on, baby, kick for Daddy!Kick for Daddy!”Cat’s laughing at me.
“She’s not going to kick on command.”
“Did you feel that one?He did it again.That’s my boy.”
“Or girl.”
I decide to stay in bed with Cat and look over my cases when she falls asleep tonight.Feeling my baby move and seeing its little imprint in Cat’s stomach is amazing.It’s an amazing and reassuring feeling.
Cat
“We should come up withnames,” I say.
“Now?”
“Yes, you can come up with the girls’ names, and I can do the boys’ names.”
“Why not the other way around?”
“This way we both have a consolation prize if we’re wrong about the gender, but it has to be a name we both like,” I say, lying back in his arms.
“All right, but I’ll be just as happy if we have a girl.You go first, what name do you have for our son?”
