“Ava, you’re killing me here, I need to know something…anything.”
“If you wanted to know how she was doing, maybe you shouldn’t have stormed over here and spewed all your anger about Matt on her.Then maybe you would be with her instead of groveling to get secondhand info on her emotional well-being, which, thanks to you, is in the bottom of a well.Don’t worry, she’s finding ways to deal with it.”
“What ways?”
“You won’t like the answer, and you know I can’t tell you, so don’t bother asking again.”
I hope none of those ways involve Matt.“Ava, please, she won’t return my calls and you not telling me anything is driving me crazy.This is not me; I’m not used to feeling this way.Damn, I messed it all up so bad.But I know I can fix it if she would only listen to me.”
“We talked about this.You said you were going to give her time.The time she needed.What happened?”
“That’s all I’ve ever fucking done.Time is what has fucked us up.Screw time and space, I feel like I’m drowning.Every time I see the look on her face, it’s a loop running through my goddamn head day and night.I can’t concentrate on my damn cases, I’m thinking about things I said to her, ways I’ve hurt her, how one stupid, weak night with her sister almost crushed her.I can’t take any of it back, but I regret every single careless, selfish thing I did.”
“You should.She deserves way better.She shouldn’t have had to deal with all the things your actions were throwing at her.She was ducking left and right to avoid something else your bad decisions caused.”
“I know.I don’t deserve her, but I need her.I need her more than I need anything else in this world.She is the girl I’ve known almost a lifetime.I don’t care if she doesn’t want to be with me but I need her.I need to know she’s not going to disappear from my life forever.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes.”
“What if she decides it’s all too much for her, and she never wants to be with you in the way you want her to be with you?”
“I’ll take her anyway I can get her.”
“I don’t think you will.How are you going to react if she decides to move on with another man?Then what?What are you going to do then?”
“I don’t know!”
“I do.It’s not going to end well for anyone, especially you.When you were together and things were good, you were amazing together.She lit up like a hundred-watt bulb and you shined together.Your rough edges smoothed out and you made her stronger.But when things went wrong you were explosive, and she crumbled, falling apart piece by piece, day by day, a little more each passing hour.You, you are something different, you’re almost manic.You’re right, it’s like you’re drowning, gasping for air, and your reaction to that is almost violent to anyone you think will get in the way of your love and being with her.”
“Ava, I love her too much to let her go.I can’t have her be with anyone else but me.I can’t be that guy on the sidelines watching her move on with her life without me in it.I’m not that big of a person; my love for her won’t let her go.I’m not giving up on us.We were meant to be together for better or worse.Don’t ask me to let her go.I won’t, ever.”
“Give her time,like I said.The time she needs.If you’re meant to be, you will.I’m going to be sappy here, but true love knows no boundaries or time.”
Sappy is good right about now.I’m a fucking mess.
Days later
I’ve spent many restless nightson this rooftop thinking.This is all my fault, I know that.I brought this emptiness and despair of living without her on myself.Not a minute goes by when I don’t regret everything I did wrong to hurt her, breaking her heart into a million pieces and more.If I could take it all back and start again from the beginning, I would.I’m nothing without her.
She showed me a side of myself I thought was long gone.The look on her face the last time I saw her told me exactly how I repaid her love and trust.I’m not worthy of her love, but I need it, like a hit of adrenaline to restart my heart.
I turn with my back against the brick wall and look at the chaise, the sunroom filled with flowers, and twinkling lights.I think about us, cocooned together against the bitter cold of that night, when she looked up into my eyes and said, “Make love to me.”Beautiful.The way she looked at me, trusting me to take care of her.It was all there in her eyes for me to see.I pick up the phone to dial her number again for the fifth time today.Still no answer.I’m forced to leave another message.
“I’ve been thinking about the bad choices I’ve made and all the things I’ve done wrong when it comes to us.Cat, if you’re listening to this, what seems like thousandth message to you, I love you, I love you, I love you.Please—”
Beep.Damn.Never enough time.
I rub my hands over my eyes and picture her in my arms that night.Holding her close to my heart, being inside her, connected as one as I pour all that I am inside of her.That goddamn smile of hers that would make me do just about any damn thing for her.
I can’t even think about not seeing her look at me that way again.But there’s a chance I might not, if I don’t back off like Ava said and pull my shit together.Practically stalking her and calling her five times a day isn’t doing anything to bring her back to me.I’m going to back off as best I can and hope she doesn’t leave me to drift.And in the meantime, I’ll pray she gives me another chance to pull my head above water to breathe with her love—our love.I don’t know what it’ll take to bring her back to me, but whatever it is, I’m up for it.
Nick
March
Ipick up the phoneand swing my chair around to the window away from my father, Paige intently watching me, and the others at the boardroom table.
