Nick
February
I’ve been calling her everysingle day for weeks, and every single time my calls go to voicemail.I refuse to text; I can’t write what I need to say to her.I have so much I regret: regret for everything Ididn’tsay to her, and regret for the things Ididsay.
Without Cat, I feel like I’m drifting.I swear I’m not the man I used to be.Cat changed me.I don’t want to be without her; she saw something in me that no one else did, and I want to be the man she thought I was.Being with Paige just reminded me of the person I was.I now know a convenient fuck won’t erase my feelings for Cat; it won’t erase the time we spent together or the love we shared.When she slammed the door, shutting me out of her life, I became a broken man.However brief it was, we had it, but now, no contact, our connection broken, shredded, and ripped out straight through my heart.
The last time I spoke to Paige, I told her what happened between us will never happen again.I’m not sure if she gets it, though.Sleeping with her wasn’t one of my better judgment calls.I was hurting and reverted to old habits.I knew I was wrong as soon as it was over, but I kept telling myself it would help me get over Cat, put her out of my mind so I could stop feeling like the screw up I was.I was wrong.The last time Paige and I hooked up, I actually made some excuse in the middle of having sex and bailed.With every thrust inside her I was being tortured, like a sheet of paper being ripped apart bit by bit.
Then and there I knew I was making things worse.Regrets.Too many frigging regrets to count.
Work
Sitting in my father’s office, listening to him bitch at me, is not what I need to deal with in my state of mind.
“What the hell is wrong with you?This was an easy win and you lost.”
“I didn’t lose, we settled,” I reply, trying my best to rein back my rising anger at each word out of his mouth.
“That’s a damn loss to me!”
“Well next timeyourepresent, then!I can’t win every fucking case.”
“You’ve been off your game for weeks.It’s time to cut the shit.What the hell is it—the baby or the girl?If it’s about the baby, I don’t have any advice for you apart from using work to your mind off of it for a while.I know what happened is going to take some time for you to get past, but I don’t know…see a shrink.If it’s the girl, there are more of them out there.Go get another one and get your fucking head back in the courtroom and to the business at hand, which is making money and winning cases.”
“She’s not interchangeable.”I get up and walk over to the window.“I know that’s hard for you to wrap your head around.”
She’s not just any girl; she’s the fucking girl that I love, the one I want to spend the rest of my fucking life with.That’s what I really want to tell him, but what the hell would he know about that?Most of his marriages don’t last more than three years tops.“You make it sound as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to do.Just pick any girl and forget about her.”
“It’s that simple.You’re making it difficult for yourself and everyone around here.Half the people on your floor are afraid to walk past your office for fear of running into you.You’re taking your anger and frustration out in the wrong place; you need to channel it somewhere beneficial—like the courtroom.”
“Enough with the damn courtroom already.I know what my damn job is.Get the hell off my back.Not everything is about winning a damn case.My whole life doesn’t revolve around that shit.”
“It used to, and it made you a damn good lawyer.”
I turn around and ask him a question that’s been on my mind lately.“But did it make me a better person?”He leans back in his chair and looks at me for a second.
“What the hell sort of question is that?Who cares if it made you a better person?It made you a winner.It made you one of the best.And you’re mucking it up all because of a woman who probably wouldn’t have stayed with your ass anyway, given the circumstances.”Getting out of his chair, he walks over to me, putting his hands in his pockets.“Tell me, how was that train wreck ever going to work out?I’d advise you to move on and forget about her.You’ll both be better off.At least you can reminisce about the good times you had.Trust me when I say you’re better off that it ended now before things got worse.You’re not meant to be tied down to one woman—or maybe you need a woman like Paige, who understands men like us.”
“Us.”He never ceases to amaze me with his philandering fatherly advice.“I’m not you, Dad.I used to think maybe I wasn’t supposed to be with one woman, but she changed that way of thinking for me.I never thought I would feel this way about a woman but I love her.See, this is how we differ.I know the difference between love and a quick fuck.Trust me, screwing Paige won’t change what I already know.
“I have work to do.Like you said, I need to get my head back in the fucking courtroom.You should do the same and don’t give me any more half-assed advice.If you’re so fond of Paige, why don’t you screw her and make her wife number four…or is it five?”I stalk out of his office more worked up than when I stepped in there.He’s the last person who should be doling out advice on relationships.
Walking back to my office, I think back to the last thing Ava said to me the last time I saw her:
“I love both of you.But I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for you two to be together if this is what it’s going to do to you.She’s a hot-ass mess.She doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, and you, honey, you’re just out of control.Baby, rein it in and take a step back.”
“What if I don’t want to take a step back, Ava?”
“Then you run the risk of losing her forever in every way.”
I’ve been stepping back for years, I thought.This is the reason we are where we are now.Time.Too much fucking time.
Home
This rooftop.I can’t getoff this fucking rooftop.It’s haunting me with memories—every which way I turn, she’s there.No escaping it—I’m fucked.My life is finally catching up to me, and I’m getting what most would say I deserve.
After yet another endless day without hearing from her, I call Ava.
