“Because for the last two months I’ve had a life without you.I’m my own person again, separate from you and my family.When we were together, and through all the craziness, I almost forgot who I was—that I was more than someone’s daughter or sister.I don’t even have a label for what I was back then.I’m sure Jay and a few other people did, but whatever it was, I didn’t like it.”
“You’re saying you regret being with me.”
“No, I’m not.Being with you was everything I wanted it to be.I regret the circumstances in which we came together.There was so much hurt and pain for everyone.The pain alone was breaking me down and ripping everyone around us apart.We caused that.”She holds her head down and brings it back up, folding her arms.
“Fuck it, I’m going to be totally honest.You hurt me, and a part of me hasn’t forgiven you.The part that had to live with the fact that you slept with my sister and got her pregnant.That part of me wants to scream and rage against you in the worst way.Do you think it was easy for me to see that shit, thinking about it?At the hospital, when you were holding my hands waiting to see the baby, you asked me what was wrong.I didn’t say then, but I was thinking about you doing the exact same thing with Kate, not too long ago.Waiting to see your child.A child you conceived with her with one careless act.”
She’s twisting my heart with her words, and I try to interrupt her but she shakes her head and continues.
“I know the same could be said about the situation we’re in.I can’t change the way I feel.At times I think I’m dealing with everything that’s happened and then at the drop of a dime I’m so angry with you.”
“Baby, I’m sorry.”I sound pitiful and inadequate to my own ears.“It was never my intention to make you feel a single second of pain or regret.I was stupid, selfish, reckless, irresponsible, and so many other things.I know I wasn’t worthy of you, but I’m going to change that.You deserve more, but I need you to give me a chance to prove to you that I can at least try to be a better man for you.If you only knew how much I wish I could turn back time and erase every second of pain I caused you.”I move toward her when a tear rolls down her cheek.It breaks me to see her cry, but I stop short when she raises her voice.
“Well, you can’t.I know what I said in the hospital but dammit, I’m still so...so...And now this, just as I was getting it together.Fate intervenes to let you back in, the bitch that she is,” she says, smiling bitterly through her frustration.“Damn, why can’t women resist you?They fall prey to those eyes, your rude but irresistible charm, and that mouth.Killer combinations.”
I’ll stand here for as long as it takes her to say everything she needs to say to me, if it helps her.These are things she should have said to me that are long overdue.The anger and pain she’s feeling, I get it.
Tentatively, I move closer, until I’m close enough to reach out and touch her, but I don’t.“Apparently there’s one woman that can resist me, the only woman I’ve ever truly wanted.And she’s carrying my baby.”Her hand goes to her stomach, and I hesitantly place my hand over hers, hoping she doesn’t push it away.Our eyes lock on to each other, and I can see the resolve in hers.As much as I want her, I know she hasn’t fully forgiven me yet, and I can’t blame her, but I’m not going to give up on us—not now.
Things have changed for us once again, and I have to take a different approach with her this time around and keep following Ava’s advice: subtle persistence and having faith she’ll let me back in.Let’s hope fate really is a bitch and she can’t resist me.“What are we going to do?You’re pregnant and we’re going to have a baby.”
“You and Kate lived your separate lives when you were going to have a child together, but you discussed everything concerning the baby and you went to all her sonograms, right?”She moves her hand from her stomach, making mine fall away.
“Mmhmm, we did.”Shit, I remember saying something like this to Kate and now it’s coming back at me.
“I think we should do the same.If anything arises, we’ll discuss it and figure it out as we go along.”
“If that’s what you want, sure, we’ll do it your way,” I say, bending down to get her bag to take her home.When we reach her and Ava’s apartment, I give her a chaste kiss on the forehead, which I’m thankful she even lets me do.
Cat
I spend the next fewweeks adjusting to the idea of being pregnant.I made an appointment for my first prenatal visit with Nick, which I admit wasn’t as bad as I thought.We went last week, and my doctor said everything looked great.The all-day morning sickness should go away, it’s normal.Nick behaved himself this time, I made sure to give him a stern warning in the waiting room.
I told him if he questioned my OB once about his qualifications as an OB/GYN I would change doctors and he wouldn’t come to another appointment with me again.He fell in line.He didn’t need to ask questions, anyway, because I already knew he checked him out thoroughly.Bonus, I didn’t think about Kate and him once during the exam; I spend enough time worrying about Kate and my family already.
We talked about the baby, and we both agreed it would be best not to tell anyone until after my first trimester, and by then Ava would be back.Surprisingly, Nick didn’t have anything to say to me about seeing Matt, and the only time we saw each other was at my prenatal visit, but he does call.I’m spending a fair amount of time with Matt since I left Nick’s house.I didn’t tell him I was with Nick or that I passed out and went to the hospital.I couldn’t do that without telling him I was pregnant; in a few short weeks I’ll tell him and let him decide what he wants to do.Until then I’m going to give us a chance and see if what I feel for him can turn into something more.If it does, it would be a welcomed change.If it doesn’t…well, at least I’ll know I gave it a shot.Although being with Matt would make things somewhat easier when it’s time to break the news of my pregnancy to my family.
Matt and I are going to the movies tonight.I open the door to him smiling at me, looking very nice.“Baby girl, you’re gorgeous as usual.”
Which makes me think of those damn sweat pants Nick gave me for Christmas.I quickly put the thought out of my mind.“Thank you, you’re not looking bad yourself.Come in, let me change my shoes and I’ll be ready.”
“Take your time, I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes,” he says, closing the door.
“That’s nice of you but it won’t take me long.”
“I wasn’t talking about that.Something’s changed in the last two weeks.”
“Has it?”I say, feigning ignorance.
He brushes a finger against my arm and nods.“Yes, and I like this change in direction in our relationship.You know how I feel about you, and I want to be more than a friend, but I don’t want to rush you.”
“You’re not rushing me.I like to think we’re going with the natural flow of things and seeing where we land.Hopefully it will be somewhere pleasant for both of us.I think we should test the waters though, to start the flow.”
“Okay, what do you have in mind?”
“I don’t know, what do you have in mind?”
“Would it be overzealous or presumptuous of me to ask if I can kiss you?”
