“I saw you made all the gossip sites and headlines,” she notes.
“Yeah. We only went out to eat and there’s so much speculation.”
“Well, you weren’t trying to hide it. If you had been, it’s unlikely there’d be any talk at all.”
“That’s true, but it’s long past time. I’m ready and so is Linc. We want to get past the hurdle before Lucy’s premiere.”
She nods. “I’m positive things will have died down by then and the press will have moved on to invade someone else’s privacy.”
“Probably.”
“How did it go when you spoke with the family?”
“They already knew,” I admit with a chuckle.
“Hmm. That doesn’t surprise me. I knew before you told me, too. You and Lincoln are very physical people, meaning you share your love with actions often. Just a touch here and there, but it’s easy to see you love one another.”
I nod.
“How does it feel to be liberated from your prison?” she asks.
I look up, kind of shocked at the question, but when I think of her phrasing, I realize it’s true. We were locked in a prison. Granted it was one of our own making, but we were still hostages.
“It feels… good. Freeing. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s really fucking great to be able to touch Linc when I want without worrying who’s going to see. Kadi caught us kissing in the hall,” I tell Joan with a laugh.
“Did she. That sounds interesting.”
“It’s what prompted the inquisition,” I relay.
“Ah. She’s looking out for you.”
I nod. “We’re close. She trusted me before anyone else, really—besides Jace and Summer. The day Jesse came down the stairs, bellowing at Xander about the dogs, she got so afraid and climbed onto my lap, wrapping herself around me so tightly. No one had ever yelled like that around her before, so we had to explain to her that’s just how Jesse is. He’s loud and forceful, but he’s not mean per se. Just… commanding.”
“That he is. And after you explained about Jesse, she still remained embraced with you?” she asks.
I nod. “Yeah. I tried my best to soothe her, you know? Rubbing her back and whispering calming words. Eventually she calmed down, and then Jace and Summer came in. We just do a lot of things together. If she dances, I’ll bring in my bass sometimes and try to work out some chords to her music. It’s easier with the classical than it is with the rap and hip-hop. Who’d have thought?”
“Ethan,” she begins, and I know she sees it, my avoidance; my impatience for this to all be over and done with.
I sigh and nod.
“The other night, when we were… together, the negative thoughts didn’t come. It was just Linc and me and none of the past that haunts me.”
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Joan asks.
“Yeah. It’s the best feeling in the world. Each time it happens, I’m so thankful. But that’s what’s wrong. While it’s not often, it does still happen. How can I get past this, Joan? I know it hurts Linc when it happens. Not so much because of what we do, but because it hurts me. The way my past haunts me. He was there the day I showed up at Xander’s like that. They all were. None of us ever discussed it. Ever,” I admit.
“Do you want to discuss it with them?”
“No, no. I don’t think so. I’m not sure I could handle the pity or sympathy the women would give me—especially Lucy.”
“You could talk it over with the guys. You don’t have to include everyone.”
“No, I can’t. Because then this, that’s already a secret, becomes an even larger one. Besides, I already talked it over with Linc and Kennedy. Those are the only ones I feel comfortable enough to just… blurt it out.”
She nods. “Do you want to talk about it here?”
“I-I’m not sure. I don’t want to talk about what happened. You know what happened without my having to say it, right?” I ask.
