I nod. “He isn’t at the moment. He and Linc went out for a while.” Damn good thing for him, too. Lincoln, with his current mood, would likely pound on Xander a bit—a bit for Lincoln is too much for normal people. He’s averybig man withverybig fists and he knows how to use them. MMA fighting is no joke—especially since he’s underground.
“Oh,” Xander breathes in relief. “So… if you know nothing happened…”
“Why am I not inviting you in with open arms?” I ask with snark.
“Uh, well… yeah,” he answers carefully. Not careful enough.
“It’s like this. We had a deal—one that Ineededto be kept.”Especially now.“But you didn’t. You plus chick plus photos plus media,” I laugh mirthlessly, “extensivemedia, equal deal breaker.”
I’m shaking. I hope he can’t see. I want nothing more than to tell him about yesterday, but I can’t get past today.
He doesn’t respond.
“It’s a real good thing I kept in the background as I insisted, right? You remember. Of course, you do. It was just last week when you tried to get me to go public about everything. And, you know what, Xan? I nearly did. I was about to. I was waiting for you to come next weekend and I would have sat next to you asRolling Stoneinterviewed us and we divulged our relationship. But now? I’m really glad I didn’t. I mean, can you imagine the circus? How many paparazzi do you think would be camped out on my doorstep if they knew I was thewifeof the rockstar drummer ofFalling Down—especially after such publicly damning images.”
He doesn’t answer again.
“How many?” I press.
“I don’t know, Tera. God, T, I’m so sorry. We let down our guard. We were celebrating. We worked so hard to get here,” he explains.
I nod. “At what expense?” I ask, then a sob bursts free. I can no longer contain my false indifference. I fall to my knees and let out a keening wail. Not just for his lies, but for the fact I need to let him go.
He’s on his knees, trying to reach for me through the few inches in the door. For a second he grabs ahold of my sweatshirt, but I pull free “I don’t have the luxury of letting down my guard. I once was carefree and that attitude nearly got me killed. But, Xan?”
“Tera…” he cries.
“I let my guard down with you. I trusted you. I trusted you to be true to our deal—tome,tous. I believed the things you said when we made love this last time, about how I’m enough. Foolish girl.” I shake my head and swipe at my tears.
“No, Tera, please don’t do this,” he begs.
“It wasn’t me who did this.Youdid this. You and Jesse and Ben and Kennedy and Ethan. You knew the stakes. Every one of you knew and you each made a deal with me.”
“Please, Tera… don’t…” he pleads.
I shake my head, sobbing, on my knees because my legs are too wobbly to hold me up.
“Don’t you see?” I whisper. “I’m not ready for the attention—the limelight. You knew that. You all knew that. But last night, the band came first—for all of you. That was the first time I’ve ever felt betrayed in the nearly four years you’ve been doing this. If I’m betrayed by family—by myhusband, who can I trust?”
It all comes out as a whisper, but with the way Xander recoils, you’d think it was a gunshot.
“It won’t happen again, T. We talked about—”
“Stop. Please, just stop.”
“No. Tera, listen to me.”
“I’ve heard it all. You were partying and living it up, letting your guard down, letting the media into places they should never have gotten, while I was here…”losing your baby.
“You were here, what? What, Tera?”
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter,” I tell him flatly. I’m in that place again, the one where reality doesn’t exist. The one where only I exist. I’ve been here before. It’s somewhere I haven’t had to go for nearly a year.
“Tera!” Xander keeps shouting over and over, reaching through the door, trying to break the chain lock. It’s reinforced. There’s no way he’ll get in without a bolt cutter.
Sandy rushes over, pulling me into her embrace, but I barely feel it. I let myself go limp in her arms and she cries out in shock and anguish.
“What the fuck is going on here!” Lincoln bellows. “God damn it, Mackenzie, haven’t you done enough?”
