“The interstate speed limit is seventy-five miles per hour, but my car starts shaking a bunch if I push it above seventy, so I try to just take highways.”
“I do not know what a mile is. Is seventy-five of these miles a lot?”
“It’s… probably not to you, I guess, since you’re used to space travel, but for driving on the road it’s pretty fast.”
“You are saying that this moves on the ground?” Al asked in surprise. He bent down to examine one of the wheels as if to get confirmation. “It does not fly?”
“No, we humans haven’t invented flying cars yet, unfortunately. But we have really perfected online spaces where we can send each other death threats and pyramid scheme invitations, so that’s something, right?”
“I apologize?” Al straightened back up and blinked in confusion.
“You mean to say ‘I’m sorry,’” Jude corrected.
“Is apologize different than sorry?”
“No, they’re the same. Or they’re usually the same, except not in the way you used it.” Al blinked vacantly, and Jude shook his head. “Not important, never mind. I’m no good at teaching. Besides, you’re picking up English so fast, I’m sure you’ll figure it out on your own. Now hurry and get in.” Jude opened the driver’s side door and gestured at Al to do the same on the other side, which he did without hesitation. Jude climbed in and Al followed suit.
“So many ways to die!” Al exclaimed jovially, looking all around him like an excited puppy dog. He tugged the seat belt out an arm’s length away and asked, “This is for safety? Just this?”
“I mean, I’ve got airbags, too,” Jude said sheepishly. Al was beginning to give him an inferiority complex on behalf of the whole human race.
“Airbags? Would not a bag of air hitting you at high velocity cause injury all on its own?”
“No? Yes? Maybe? I don’t know, man, I don’t design cars.”
Having little regard for Jude’s privacy, Al began exploring in earnest. He flipped the sun visor down and up a few times, murmuring, “Inefficient!” He poked at overhead lights, pressed the cigarette lighter down, and opened the glove box.
“What purpose to your machine do these serve?” Al asked, tilting his head to the side as he pulled out the three romance novels Jude had checked out from the library the day after his boyfriend cheated on him. He had started reading one of them, but all it had done was depress him, so he’d shoved them in the glove box and completely forgotten about them. That explained the unfamiliar number that kept calling his phone—it was probably the library complaining that he hadn’t returned his overdue books.
“Oh, those don’t have anything to do with my car. They’re just normal books.”
“Do all normal books have human males in a state of undress on them?” Al was intently examining one of the shirtless men on the covers. He absently traced the man’s six-pack with his pointer finger, his sharp, lizard-like tongue darting out and then disappearing just as quickly.
“Er, well, no. Those are a special kind of book. Romance. Humans like to read about love and companionship and…” Jude was going to let that one lie, but Al finished the thought for him.
“Oh, are these books about mating?”
Jude was not a blushing virgin by any means. He was comfortable in his body and with his sexuality. That did not mean, however, that he was not taken completely off guard by his new alien friend asking him if he read books about “mating” in his free time.
“Do humans read books about mating to derive sexual pleasure?” Al asked. He had picked up a different book and seemed to be very interested in the male model’s happy trail.
“I don’t—I guess so? Look, we’ve got alien hunters to flee from, I dunno if now is really the time to—”
“Is this what an ideal human male looks like?” Al asked abruptly. He held up all three books (in three different hands) and looked at Jude expectantly. Jude, for his part, was fighting for his life trying to think of how thefuckhe was supposed to answer all these questions.
“To some people, yeah,” Jude mumbled. For not being a blushing virgin, he was certainly blushing a considerable amount.
“Your face has new colors,” Al not-so-helpfully pointed out. “Is this because looking at these men gives you sexual pleasure? What about human women? Do they give you sexual pleasure?”
“Oh good lord.” Jude buried his face in his hands and stayed like that for a long moment. Finally, he lifted his head back up and said, “Yes, I find the men on those covers sexy, and women aren’t really my cup of tea, so to speak, but that doesn’t mean anything. Humans find all sorts of different things attractive.”
“Butyourideal mate would be a human male that has the appearance of one of the men on these mating books?”
“Al, as much as I love talking about how shitty my car is and the nuances of human sexuality, don’t you think we’d be better off having this conversation later, when we’re safe?” Or preferably never, he didn’t add.
Al had the decency to look ashamed. “Yes, you are correct, my sorries. I will not use up valuable time criticizing your bad death machine or your mating preferences anymore. I have been told many times that I have too many curiosities and that it is easy to make me distracted. I will focus now. Know that I am appreciative of your help, Jude. Thank you very much please.”
Jude, who hadn’t really been upset, just somewhat embarrassed, forgave Al instantly.
