“Five years ago, the young man who let himself be paraded around on a leash with stars in his eyes, beautifully submissive to a woman he loved, disappeared. In the blink of an eye, the man you were was stripped from you, but here you stand before me, risen from the ashes of your past, and stronger than you werebefore.”
On the surface, Cedric kept his reaction impartial. He didn’t allow his bottom lip to tremble or his eyes to widen with surprise. On the day of the interview, he’d walked in thinking that Sterling never would have looked into his past—but of course he had. When he’d looked across the desk at Cedric, searching the depths of his soul for the truth, he’d already known what secrets Cedric housed. All he was looking for washonesty.
“You’re young, and many would say that you lack the experience necessary to take on my position at The Shepherd, but they don’t understand what it’s like to lose someone, do they? Or how it feels to grow up overnight? From starstruck and in love with the world to jaded and guarded out of necessity. I know your pain, Cedric, because it’s a pain I share with you. I ended up growing up well before my time, and The Shepherd is my monument to thatstruggle.”
There had to be a catch. Cedric held firm before Sterling, keeping his silence. Once, Sterling had used that tactic to encourage him to speak, and now Cedricreturnedfire.
“You’ve had your whole world reduced to nothing, and yet you still managed to rise back up and make something of yourself. You changed your life to fit your new goals and aspirations, and you did so on your own. Nothing could stop you—not tragedy, not hardship, and not yourself. That’s why I chose you to take on what seems like aninsurmountabletask.”
“Because I bested tragedy?” There were tears lurking behind Cedric’s eyes that he refused to shed. Remembering what he’d lost when Brittany died was hard at the best of times, but as shaken as he was from abusing Gabriel, it hit him harder than it had inyears.
“Because you were shaped by it.” Sterling made no move to come closer, but Cedric felt so close to him in that moment, they might as well have been standing side by side. No one had ever put into words the way his life had changed after Brittany’s death because no one had ever understood what it was like, but Sterling knew—Cedric heard it in his tone of voice as plainly as he heard it in his words. “And I had hopes that you might be able to see into the truth of a young man who’s going through that same pain right now, and that you might growtogether.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me that from the start?” Cedric uttered. His voice was hoarse, betraying the profound sorrow and hurt he kept buried inside. That hurt was clawing its way through the earth now, disrupting ground laid to hide it years ago. Its efforts eroded at Cedric’s façade, like he was a house of cards built on a mechanical bull. “You kept information from me about Garrison. You smoothed over Gabriel’s past. You made it seem like it was no big deal, and I wandered into a goddamn mine field without so much as a metal detector. That boy tore into my heart and left me bleeding. I tried to take advantage of him when he wasn’t well enough to know better. I deserve to be arrested, not given a pat on the back and a motivational speech. I almost raped him, Sterling. I wasn’t prepared for what I would encounter, and I almost raped him. You can’t sweet-talk what I did—or what youdid—away.”
“We kept it from you because you, of all people, should know that Gabriel is a person, not a problem.” Sterling’s face was unreadable, but compassion lurked in his tone. “The struggles he’s gone through and the experiences that have shaped him are part of who he is, the same way your struggles and experiences are a part of who you are. You know that. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have cared enough to come here. So let me ask you this: why are you standing here,Cedric?”
The question demanded a response, but Cedric couldn’t findwords.
“You’re standing here because you’re a man of character. If you didn’t care, a kiss wouldn’t weigh on yourconscience.”
“It wasn’t just a kiss,” Cedric stressed. Maybe Sterling didn’t understand. “We…Iwas seconds away from taking him. I didn’t get him out of hisboxers,but—”
“You’re standing here,” Sterling said as if Cedric hadn’t spoken at all, “because you’re looking to make things right. You want what’s best for Gabriel, not for yourself. You’re putting the needs of others before the needs of yourself, and you’re coming to me to let me know where you fell short, and what is needed to correct thesituation.”
No matter how much Sterling analyzed the situation, it didn’t change what had occurred. Cedric shook his head. “What does itmatter?”
“In some ways, everything, both good and bad.” Sterling’s expression tightened, and the affection in his eyes dulled. “I will be removing Gabriel from your care. I’ve already started to investigate alternative treatment options, since he did so poorly atStonecrest.”
At last, something that made sense. Cedric accepted the news, and he let himself mourn his loss. Losing Gabriel stung, but there was nootherway.
“But the qualities you’ve demonstrated this past week?” Sterling continued. “The rigid moral and professional standards you hold yourself to? I would be a fool to look for someone else to manage The Shepherd in my place. If you’re still interested in the position, it’s yours. I couldn’t picture a man better suited forthejob.”
The job offer didn’t fill the void unearthed in Cedric, and it did nothing to push his sorrow back down into the bog it had clawed its way up from. “Gabriel is worth more to me than a job offer. I can’t, in good conscience, accept when it means that our paths might cross again. Until he’s healed, I don’t want to get in his way. I wouldn’t want to hinder hisrecovery.”
“I’m not ready to step down just yet,” Sterling said. He kept his voice level, and Cedric couldn’t pinpoint exactly what his underlying motives were. “You’ll have a month to think about it before I reopen the position and entertain othercandidates.”
“You’re wasting your time. I’ve given you myanswer.”
“Time is never wasted if it’s spent in hope.” Sterling met his gaze. “I’d offer you a place to stay while Gabriel sees his heat through to completion, but I get the feeling you’drefuse.”
“You’reright.”
“Then I want you to know that I don’t hold you accountable for what you did.” Sterling’s eyes bore through him with the same contemplative look he’d given Cedric during his interview. “There are two sides to every story, and although Gabriel’s view of the world is skewed, I know that there are details that have been omitted or overlooked. You aren’t the villain you make yourself out to be. Bad deeds aren’t what make a villain a villain—inaction in correcting thosedeedsis.”
“I should go.” The longer he stayed here, the worse he was going to feel. What Sterling said was reassuring, but it did nothing to assuage Cedric of his suffering. The fact was, he’d let his heart get in the way of a job, and that job had morphed into something he wasn’t ready to handle. If he’d been strong enough, could he have seen Gabriel through to the end? Could he have made him realize that suffering made men as much as itbrokethem?
That after he was done pulling himself back together, Cedric would be waitingforhim?
It didn’t matteranymore.
Cedric pushed the door open and stepped out onto the metal-grate landing. Sterling stood in the doorway,watching.
“You have my number, Cedric,” Sterling told him. “I’m not upset. You’ve made a mistake, but you can still recoverfromit.”
“Thanks. I’ll wire you back the money tonight, once I find a placetostay.”
“Don’t.”
