“It’s Friday night. You have time for a drink. Let’s gotogether.”
“I’d rather not.” Marcus pulled his arm from Adrian’s grip. He took the last few stairs at a sprint, but Adrian followed him. The last thing Marcus wanted was someone else around when he saw Lucian, but Adrian was tenacious. He followed Marcus across the floor and to the bar counter, going as far as to take a seat on the bar stool next to Marcus. Marcus did his best to ignore him. Lucian was behind the counter, his back to the floor. From behind he looked like he always did, but Marcus knew that as soon as he turned around, that would change. What Marcus had learned couldn’t be minimized, and it would shade how he saw Lucian forever if he didn’t make thingsright.
“Lucian,” Marcus said to get hisattention.
Lucian turned to face them. There was a dead look in his eyes that Marcus had only seen once before, and it shook him like nothing else. Had he been so blinded by his lust that he’d ignored the physical signs? Desperate for answers, he scanned his memory of his time spent with Lucian, but every recollection was shaded by retrospect. A nagging voice told him Lucian hadalwayslooked this way, and he’d simply overlooked it in his greed to shake the monotony fromhislife.
If that was the case, Marcus would never forgivehimself.
“Marcus?” Lucian asked. The uncertainty and hurt in his voice destroyed what little confidence Marcus had left in himself. Hehadhurt Lucian. He’d dragged him right back into the hell he’descapedfrom.
“We need to talk. You need to take a break right now and comewithme.”
Adrian leaned forward on his elbows, his chin in his hands like it was the most interesting conversation he’d ever heard. There was a smug hook to his lips that frustrated Marcus to no end. Right now he didn’t have the strength to deal with Adrian. Sorting out business with Lucian tookpriority.
Lucian glanced in Adrian’s direction, then lowered his gaze. He was afraid of being caught, Marcus was sure, but right now Marcus didn’t give a damn if that happened. Sterling could expel him from the club if he wanted. Access to The Shepherd meant little while Lucian’s wellbeing hung in the balance. Marcus couldn’t ignore what he’d learned, and he couldn’t wait for Lucian to finish his shift to talk to him. The unrest in his soulforbadeit.
“No.” Lucian stared at his feet. “I’m working. I just started. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t take a breakrightnow.”
“Lucian.” Marcus tried to sound firm, but his voice wavered. All his life he’d been in strict control—of his emotions, of his career, and of his relationships—but now he was left on uneven ground, unsure of his footing. “Take the time off. Now.Please.”
“No.” Lucian’s voice was small. “We’ll talklater,okay?”
Had Lucian always dodged his eye? How far into delusion had Marcus sunk? He pushed back from the bar, bitterness spreading down his tongue to leech into his throat. Lucian was disgusted with him. His avoidance spoke foritself.
“Alright,” Marcus said, crestfallen. “We’ll talk later. Just… I’m sorry. Know that I’m truly sorry from the bottom of myheart.”
“You’re really not going to stay for a drink, Marcus?” Adrian pouted. “Lucian, why don’t you fix Marcus one of the drinks he likes? The whiskey… whateveritis.”
“Bourbon,” Lucian said, keeping his gaze away from Marcus. “It’sbourbon.”
Marcus didn’t stick around to hear the rest of the conversation. He pushed away from the bar, disgusted with himself. The length of his relationship with Lucian, it had been his top priority to provide Lucian pleasure through obedience. Now that he knew what the price of Lucian’s obedience was, he wanted nothing more to dowithit.
Not all that long ago, Marcus had considered giving up on the lifestyle completely because of his complacency. Now he wished he’d gone throughwithit.
Marcus didn’t look back as he rushed down the stairs. He tried to let the sound of dance music drown out the thoughts in his head, but no noise was loud enough to overshadow hisguilt.
He’d hurt Lucian. He’d dragged him back into the same kind of darkness he’d once been enslaved by. There was nothing kind about that, nothing liberating. All these years, had Marcus deluded himself into thinking he was helping submissives when really, all he was doing was suppressing them? The kink was exciting, and it had been a steady part of his lifestyle since he’d become sexually active, but if it was damaging his partners like it had damaged Lucian, Marcus wanted no part in itanymore.
He left The Shepherd, dodging Stephanie’s pointed questions as he exited the lobby. There was still a chance that he could apologize and make things right, but the look in Lucian’s eyes made him think it was alongshot.
The only man who’d ever mattered to him was too damaged to be saved, and Marcus had caused his destruction by hisownhand.
As long as he lived, he didn’t think he could forgive himselfforthat.
28
Lucian
There wasno joy when Clarissa made last call, nor was there any reprieve from the melancholy in Lucian’s soul when Clarissa gave him the go-ahead to leave for the night. The front door clicked closed behind him as he left, locking. The streetlights bathed him in their orange glow. There were still a handful of hours before the sun appeared on the horizon and turned the sky crimson, but for now, there was nothing but the darkness of thenight.
And the darkness of the backalley.
Lucian was drawn to it by habit, used to his secret, late-night encounters with Marcus. But the feeling was different this time. What had once been excitement had turned intoanguish.
They’d been careless. They’d broken rules, thinking they could get away with it, but they’d tempted fate and paid the price. The thrill of knowing that at any moment they could be discovered had been their downfall, and now both of them were left to pay the price. It ate at Lucian to know that he was the one who’d have to come across as the bad guy. The wide-eyed fear in Marcus’ eyes earlier that night didn’t compare to the ugly disappointment rotting in Lucian’schest.
It wastheend.
