He’d have togeneralize.
“I went back to his place for the first time on Friday, after work. I think it got too real for me, and I left him when he wassleeping.”
“Ah, now that shortcut you’ve been taking home makes sense.” He heard the intrigue in Clarissa’s voice. “Well, I mean, did you let him know what happened, or did you justghosthim?”
“I ghosted him.” Lucian smoothed his hair back, already feeling the need to fidget. “He talked about making things serious between us, because we’ve kind of been fooling around for a while now, but I don’t think I’m… ready. I melted down andIran.”
All of it sounded hollow without context. Clarissa knew small things about his past, but she didn’t understand the way those events stuck with him. Not even Lucian knew the full extent of his damage. He was still navigating independence, figuring it out one step atatime.
He couldn’t tell her that he was afraid of being owned by a man, even if it wasonlyplay.
“Hmm,” Clarissa mused. “What happened to the Lucian who walked into The Shepherd with his head held high, determined to reclaim what was takenfromhim?”
Lucian pulled his feet back and let his legs sink onto the couch. He stared at the ceiling. Someone was moving furniture in the apartmentabovehis.
Clarissa hummed like she was considering something, then spoke again. “It’s okay to feel like you can’t manage. Everyone feels that way sometimes, no matter their background. Sometimes life is hard and change isscary.”
“I guess my problem is, I don’t know how to fix what I ruined.” Lucian rubbed his feet together, then crossed his legs at the ankles. “He hasn’t tried to reach out to me at all. I think he’s upset with me. I mean, after what I did, I would be upset with me, too. I don’tblamehim.”
“Well…” Clarissa trailed off, thoughtful. “I guess if he’s not talking to you, it’s going to be up to you to make things right,isn’tit?”
Lucian’s lips parted, and the words were halfway across his tongue when they stopped. She was right and he knew it, but it didn’t make the concept any less terrifying. He had to apologize to the man he’d called Master. There was fear in that. It made him want to shrink away and hang his head inshame.
“Talk to him in person,” Clarissa recommended. “Make sure you do it face to face so he can hear your tone as well as read your body language. If you’re sorry, he’ll be able to see it. Plus, you get the added benefit of the whole sincerity thing. People don’t apologize in person if they don’tmeanit.”
“That helps.Thankyou.”
“Glad to be of assistance.” Affection softened her words. “You know that means I’m going to be bugging you for updates,right?”
“I know.” Lucian suppressed a grin. “I figured. But I needed to talk tosomeone.”
“The best person to talk to ishim.” Lucian imagined the smile on her face. “I’ll see you at work on Wednesday? We can talk about itmorethen.”
“Of course. Thank you forlistening.”
“Anytime.”
The conversation concluded. After their goodbyes, Lucian hung up thephone.
On Friday, he’d meet up with Marcus like usual and explain what had happened. If that meant coming clean about his past, he’d do it. It had come to a point where he had a choice to make—he could either keep Marcus in the dark and lose him, or he could let him in and hope that he wouldunderstand.
Lucian dropped his phone onto his chest and laid on the couch for a while longer, processing the thought. The illusion would die. He’d no longer be the young man working the bar, but the ex-prostitute trying to reclaimhislife.
But maybe that was forthebest.
Lucian liked Marcus as more than just a Friday fling, and it was clear that Marcus had once liked him in the same way. If they could go back to that, and if he could open up about his less than spotless past, it would beworthit.
Marcuswasworthit.
Lucian only hoped that wouldn’t change when the truthcameout.
* * *
Marcus didn’t showup on Fridaynight.
Wound up and nervous, Lucian kept his eye on the stairway as best he could, both eager and fearful to see the man he had so much to tell. The longer the night wore on, the more Lucian’s confidence waned. By the time Clarissa announced last call, he wascrushed.
What did he think would happen? That Marcus would waltz in, sit in booth five, and make eyes at him all night like he’d used to? For the length of Lucian’s employment, he’d never seen Marcus entertain another man. Marcus was coming in to seehim, and after what Lucianhaddone?
