I know I deserve better than someone who only wants to be with me for appearances—an easy option for their own personal gain. Even if that person happens to be my dream man. It’s what I was worried about when my friends were trying to say Hudson was into me; he’s my roommate, and I want to be more than a convenient hookup or an easy first man for him to try things with sexually. As real as it felt in the moment, as disappointed as Hudson seemed when I pulled away… There were way too many layers to what happened last night for me to know if any part of him was kissing me simply because he wanted to.
And unless I’m one hundred percent confident the only reason he kisses me is because he wants to, it can’t happen again. I’m not strong enough for that.
A onetime confused moment, we can move on from. And we will. I’m not going to let him move out or change our friendship over it. I just needed some time today to process things, so responding to his texts earlier seemed like too much.
He knocked on my door last night?No, I definitely didn’t hear that over the sound of my shower that I was desperately jerking off in after that fucking kiss.Meet for lunch to talk about that kiss?Where other people could overhear us? No, thank you.
I’ll have dinner with Emily, though, because that will be us talking aboutnotbeing together. Anyone can hear that when it’s the truth. And I think it’ll be easier for her to believe us if we’re both there.
Plus, I don’t hate the idea of having her as a buffer when I see him for the first time since last night. I need some time to stare at his perfect face where I can’t throw away all my morals and jump him, or try to convince him that kissing me was a great idea, even if his motivation was all wrong.
If we’re in public, though, and Emily is there, I know it’ll be easier for me to stick with my convictions.
I made sure I was the last one to get here. I didn’t want there to be any chance of Hudson attempting a conversation about last night before Emily showed up. They’re seated in a round booth, Hudson already claiming the middle, so I slide in next to him, across from Emily.
“Hello,” I greet them awkwardly with a small smile. I have no idea what Hudson told her to get her to agree to see him in person again so quickly.
“Hi, Adrian! I brought some of the copies I had of the earlierultrasounds, so I just gave them to Hudson if you want to see them too.”
Hudson turns to me with a big, hopeful smile. Hoping for what exactly? I can’t be sure, but those pleading puppy dog eyes I can never say no to are certainly in use. “Want to see?” He holds them out toward me.
“Obviously,” I say lightly, rolling my eyes, even as my stomach twists into knots, unsure if Hudson and Emily’s arrangement is about to blow up in our faces. I take the picture, and the too-full feeling in my chest that I felt while listening to the heartbeat is back.
“What if we weren’t just friends?”Hudson’s question from last night replays over in my head for the hundredth time today. God, I wish he’d said that under different circumstances. I wish that he meant it because he really wanted there to be more between us, not because he’s so desperate to become a dad that he’d agree to almost anything to do it.
I hand the image back to Hudson. “They’re perfect,” I manage to get out, unable to hide how choked up I am with all the conflicting emotions running through my mind right now.
Ugh, he lights up even more at my comment. That man’s smile really will be the death of me.
“So, as lovely as it is to see you both again, you mentioned wanting to talk about something?” Emily prompts, obviously curious as she looks between us with a raised brow.
Hudson doesn’t hesitate. “Adrian was concerned that you thought we might be a romantic couple, and we’re hiding a relationship because of my job. As lucky as I would be to be linked to someone as great as he is—” He pauses to look at me, and what the fuck am I supposed to do with a comment like that? As lucky as he would be? Is there any chance he means any of this? That he isn’t just trying to soften the blow for Emily, make sure she understands he isn’t homophobic?
Ifhe really wanted to be with me, why the hell would he wait until there was the excuse of Emily thinking we were already together?
“We wanted to make sure you understand that we are just close friends, and that I’m currently only living with him until the remodel is complete at my house,” Hudson continues, and I try to focus on the conversation instead of the same mental spiral I’ve been falling into all day.
Emily looks between us with a smirk. “Alright, if you insist. But I stand by the fact that I think you would make a great couple.”
Hudson continues to smile at her, like that’s the end of the conversation, but I need to hear her actually say it.
“So to be perfectly clear—because, honestly, I’ve been freaking out since you made the comment—you still want Hudson to be the person adopting your child. You didn’t choose him assuming we were a package deal?”
Emily laughs, and I feel like I can breathe for the first time since we left that appointment room. “Yes, I still am confident in my choice matching with Hudson. I’m sorry I worried you so much. I like that he has you, that he’s someone other people care about enough to support, but I meant what I said about one great parent being worth more than two less than great ones.”
“Thank you,” Hudson replies, but he doesn’t look as relieved as I’m expecting.
“Besides,” Emily says, turning to me. “In Illinois at least, you always have to choose the primary person to adopt. Just in case there’s any changes during the process—if a couple splits or one of them passes. When you waive your parental rights, you’re doing so without condition. They make you understand that before you even look at applications.”
“Oh” is all that comes out of my mouth. I’m so relieved that nothing has changed, but after being so stressed for the last dayand a half, dealing with such a variety of emotions, I feel like I’m crashing hard. I let out a deep breath. “Will anyone judge me if I start with dessert? I think I need some chocolate to regulate my system.”
It’s a very serious comment, but they both laugh, and whatever tension that had still been there is effectively broken.
Hudson gives me an indulgent smile. “I’d be concerned if you didn’t order chocolate right now.”
31
HUDSON
