I laugh, unsure of how else to respond to that.
Did I look like I wanted to kiss Adrian? I guess I was thinking about touching his lips quite a bit, even if I wasn’t picturing actually kissing him.
Fuck. Now I am though. I wonder what his soft full lips would feel like against mine. Would it feel all that different than kissing a woman?
What the fuck is happening right now? I totally want to kiss him.
Adrian is so funny and smart and confident, and it’s all so captivating, and things I’m normally drawn to in women. And cuddling was so nice. I think Adrian was right the other day, that I’m confusing myself about who he is to me. He isn’t Shelby. He isn’t my partner. The kissing thought is probably just because he’s so pretty, and we're already cuddling. I’m obviously confused. I've never thought about another man that way before.
But I’ve also never met another man like Adrian.
Okay, calm down, what the hell am I even thinking? I’m just lonely. I should really meet up with one of the women on the app. I miss having someone to come home to, and I have no idea how much longer Adrian is willing to be that person for me.
I turn back to my phone, only half paying attention to the profile that’s pulled up. “She seems nice. I think I’ll message her.”
12
ADRIAN
“Ithink your stovetop is clean,” Jordan comments from his barstool in my kitchen.
I might have been the one who invited him over to hang out, but I haven’t been able to sit still, so my glass of wine is still untouched next to his now empty one on the counter.
“So, are you ready to talk about why you’re obsessively cleaning, or are we still pretending that it has nothing to do with Hudson being out on a date tonight?”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I insist. “Oh! I should clean out my fridge. I haven't done that in a few weeks.” Focused on my new task, I start taking everything out of it so I can do a deep clean.
And I’m not even lying. There isn’t anything to talk about. Things have gone back to normal after the weird cuddling thing last week where, for a tiny second, I thought Hudson might have been thinking about kissing me. Obviously, he wasn’t, and my imagination was running wild after he confirmed he’d carried me to my bed that morning. Plus all the cuddling. It was just a confusing moment that I was reading into way too much.
The night ended normally with Hudson setting up a date. Fortonight. A date that I helped him plan where to go and helped him choose what to wear.
And I was happy to help. Ilovehelping my friends.
Well, normally, I really love helping my friends. I love seeing them happy and knowing that I made things easier for them, or contributed to their joy, even in some small way. I usually thrive on that. I go out of my way to solve problems for other people so I can have that moment of sharing their success.
But with Hudson? Everything is different.
As much as I do want him to be happy, and I really, really do—I want him to be happy more than anyone else I’ve ever met and he deserves it with how kind and positive he is, how he brings out the good in those around him—I’m still struggling. By helping him try to move on like he’s asked me to, by helping him find another woman to date, I can’t help but feel like I’m finding my replacement.
And I know how silly that is. Obviously, any romantic feelings between us are entirely one-sided on my part, but it’s inevitable that he’ll stop doing all the nice things he does for me now when he has a girlfriend to do them for instead. Whatever woman he ends up dating is who he’s going to be picking up dinners for. They’re the one he’s going to be watching hours of TV with at night, the person he’s going to go out of his way to pick up their favorite snack for. When they fall asleep on the couch, he’ll carry them back to a bed they share.
And I’ll still be here. Alone in my apartment, like I’ve always been.
Which is fine.
I love my life. I wasn’t looking for it to be turned upside down when he moved in here. I’m just being dramatic right now because I’ve gotten so used to our routine, and now that he’s on his first date, I know it’s over. Once I see him with whatever girl he’s dating, I’ll remember that we’ve always onlybeen friends. That I have no right to feel so heartbroken right now at the thought of losing him.
Because he was never mine.
No matter how much it’s felt that way since he moved in.
And I’m totallyfine.I’m not at all jealous or freaking out, and I’m definitely not tempted to show up at the restaurant I know he’s at to hide in the corner to see how his date is going.
I’m totally chill. Just cleaning out my fridge. The contents are now on the counter, and I’ve moved on to wiping down the shelves.
“So how have things been since the cuddling?” Jordan pushes. Obviously, the group chat with our friends heard all about that, but I don’t need him bringing it up right now. Maybe I should stop telling my friends every little detail of my life?
Nah.Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t last a week without that attention.
