I took a deep breath, feeling both guilty and thrilled to hear him say it out loud.
“Me too,” I admitted, “but I have my family to think about. I don’t know what I’m doing here.”
“We should talk,” he began.
Yes, we should, I thought, but what would we say? The time caught my eye. “Another time. I better get going or I will never find a parking spot at school pick-up.”
“Then I’ll settle from seeing you across the lot.”
My mouth was dry. I didn’t trust myself to say more.
“Bye, Will.”
“Bye, Natalie.”
We hung up, and I darted off to get to school. When I got there, we exchanged a quick glance but didn’t speak. Now we had this secret between us. We both knew we wanted each other.
Later that evening, Jason called while I was putting dishes away. I picked up, tucking the phone between my shoulder and ear.
“Hey,” I answered.
“Hey. I wanted to check with you about something.” His voice was casual. “I have a company dinner Friday night in the East Bay. Do you mind if I stay the night and come back Saturday?”
I paused, gripping the dish towel in my hand. “That’s fine,” I said lightly.
“Okay, thanks,” Jason said. “Tell Bebe and James, I miss them.”
“Will do,” I replied.
“See ya,” he said. Nothing more than a logistical check-in. It made me want to see Will again. I knew it was up to me since I was the one crossing the line.
Natalie: Are you busy Friday night after 9?
Will: The kids will be with Kelly. I'm planning a wild night of laundry and Dateline.
Will: Unless you can top that?
I hesitated, my fingers hovering over my phone.
Natalie: Would it be okay if I came over? I don’t know if I can top that, but…
A beat passed before his reply appeared.
Will: You are more than welcome to try.
I texted my sitter, asking her to come over around eight-thirty. After I put the kids to bed. I didn’t want to leave while they were still awake. That was it. I guess I was startingsomething…
I sat on the couch after sending the texts, staring at the ceiling like it might offer answers. What was I doing? What was this thing I was stepping into?
It wasn’t about Jason and Shannon. This was about Will and the way he brought me back to life every time he looked at me.
It wasn’t revenge. Not exactly. But there was something defiant in it. A need to feel something that wasn’t muted or safe. Will made me feel wanted. Present. Like I was more than a title—wife, mother, coordinator of everything. I craved that feeling.
The next morning, I tried to distract myself with textiles and wallpaper samples, pulling together things for Will’s house. As if that’s what I was going to his place to discuss. I replayed our conversation from the day before,I can’t stop thinking about you,he said.And I’d seen the way his eyes lingered on me at pick-up.
I told myself I was still in control. Thatthiswasn’t really an affair. But wanting him didn’t feel optional anymore. It felt inevitable.
CHAPTER 20
