“How about how the lodge will fail? The dream my sister had. Poof. Gone. I have to make sure that doesn’t happen.” I’m pacing back and forth, the only thing I see is the dirt and my boots. Fat raindrops turn the dirt to mud.
“And then there’s you! Ivy. YOU.” I look up from the ground and see her face staring back at mine. Tears silently stream down her face, mixing with the rain.
“Why are you afraid of me?” Her voice is calm and small.
“You fucking terrify me! You make me want you. And I haven’t wanted anyone in years. I came to terms with what my life looked like and then you showed up for this stupid fucking event with those god damn boxes. I thought I could be alone forever.” I stop and take a breath and wipe at my own tears. Fueled by pure fear.
“Now I can’t picture it! And you live across the country. But I can’t leave. And you made me love you and now you’re going to be gone. You’re going to make another hole in my chest that I’ll have to pretend isn’t going to swallow me from the inside out!”
Ivy grabs my hands with hers and pulls them to the front of her chest.
“Holland. Take a breath. Breathe.” She stares at me, eyes matching the trees, and breathes so I can try to copy her. It works. It’s shaky but I do it.
The rain falls heavy. All I think about is breathing. In and out. Over and over.
Her fingers are cold and squeeze my fingers tight.
“Is this comingup because you told me about Hazel last night?” She’s tender and understanding.
I find another deep breath and close my eyes. I have to tell her. If I have any chance to keep her, I can’t keep this to myself.
“It’s my birthday. My birthday is in two days.” My voice is a whisper, barely audible over the rain.
She doesn’t say anything. Instead, she slowly wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me. Tight. Like she’s trying to keep me together. I don’t resist. I let myself fall into her. Both of our hoods fall and we’re getting pelted with cold rain.
“Holland. I’ve got you,” she whispers in my ear, before pressing a kiss on my cheek.
And I believe her.
Chapter Fifty-One
I ASKED.
And Holland finally answered.
Ironic how he and I aren’t all that different when it comes to focusing on others and sort of forgetting about yourself.
His birthday. A day typically meant for light, celebrations, and fun. But not for Holland.
Now, we’re standing in the pouring rain. I’m hugging him as tight as I can. I’m holding him for all the times he’s needed it and never asked. Or maybe never even realized he needed it.
Something he said crawls back. “You’re going to make me love you.” He screamed it. I heard it cut through the rain, the thunder.
Love.
He’s afraid because he loves me.
I pull back to see his face, flushed crimson from the mix of cool rain and letting things off his chest. His jaw, set like concrete. And his eyes which make me forget to breathe if I stare too long.
I see him. And now I need to let something off my chest.
“You’re scaring me.” And before I can get a full thought out, he’s already responding.
“I didn’tmean to lose it, it’s just—”
I lightly press a finger to his lips. “No, not that.” I take my finger away. “You’re scaring me because you’re making me love you too.”
“What?” His voice is muffled, dripping with defeat and dismay.
