“Being present is intentional,” I say it back. I sound like a robot. “You?”
“Hmm.” She contemplates. “Oh, I know! Plants. Everyone is in their plant phase and it’s not for me. I killed succulents a few years back.”
“Plants? You are literally named after a plant.”
“I know, I know. It goes in line with me not really liking the outdoors. I don’t know why my mom named me Ivy. I’ve never seen her garden in mywhole life,” she explains.
I nod and don’t press for any more information. Ivy tries to catch my gaze with a sideways glance. I see her but pretend I don’t. She lets the questions go and we simply hike in silence.
The rain lets up for a while as we stop for a snack and a stretch. There’s thunder in the distance. It’s not super common this time of year but it’s still possible to have a thunderstorm or two. Ivy tries to check the weather but neither of us have service. I can tell she’s on edge and I’m doing everything in my power to hold myself together. I can’t do it for both of us today. I wish I could.
“Holland, is everything okay?”
“The weather shouldn’t stick around long,” I answer. Monotone. Without looking at her.
“No, not with the weather. Is everything okay with you?” she insists.
“Sure.”
“Sure?”
“Yes. Everything is okay.” I couldn’t be less convincing.
“You’re not even trying to sound believable. What’s the matter?” Her big green eyes look up at me from under her raincoat hood.
What’s the matter? There’s a hole in my chest that I can’t fill. It’s like I’m trying to fix it with masking tape. It works for a while until something rips it open. All I have is this stupid fucking tape. It’s not enough. I’ll never be able to fix this hole.
I can think it. But I can’t say it.
“Nothing. Let’s keep going.” We’re both standing, awkwardly, as it starts to rain again.
“I don’t want to keep going until you tell me what’s going on. You’ve been stand-offish the entire hike. Which was your idea.”
“Well, you don’t always get your way.” It stings me to say. It hurts Ivy when she hears it.
“You think I don’t know that? Believe me, if this week taught me anything, it’s how I don’t always get my way.” Her voice is sharp and she’s getting pissed.
The whole argument plays out in my mind. The rock is rolling down the hill. I don’t know how to stop it.
Instead, I don’t say anything. I let out a breath and put my hands on my hips. Ivy lets that fly for about thirty seconds before she takes a breath and jumps back in.
“Holland. Why won’t you let me in? Just a little.” She sounds like she’s trying to be patient but her voice still has an edge to it. It’s like she’s pleading but also agitated. “What are you afraid of ?”
This question sets me off. I take a few steps back before I scream.
“EVERYTHING! I’M AFRAID OF EVERYTHING.” My hands go to the side of my head and then out in front of me. “Where do you want me to start? How about that sometimes I hurt so fucking bad. My body physically hurts like I’m burning from the inside out. Or how about how I’m scared to answer the phone anytime my parents call? I think they’re going to tell me someone else is gone.”
“Holland—” Ivy takes a step toward me. I take another step back. I don’t want to scare her.
“No. You wanted to know! I’m afraid to go home. The place full of childhood memories rips me to pieces. The smallest pieces that I spend months putting back together. Except they never quite fit right like they did. They never fucking fit. The only place—besides this lodge—that has any of Hazel left and I’m a fucking coward. It’s so hard for me to be there. My parents always come here because they know I can’t go home.” My voice cracks. This is something that hurts me worst of all. I miss the feeling of home. It will never be the same.
“I’m terrified I’ll be in that small town and someone I went to school with will forget my sister is dead and ask me how she is. Because thathappens. THAT HAPPENS. And I can’t stand it.”
“Holland. How could anyone stand it?!” She speaks but I’m already onto the next rant.
“I’m afraid I’ll go back to hating myself. The way I did when it all first happened. I didn’t look in a mirror for months. It’s exhausting feeling it all the time.”
Ivy slowly takes a few steps towards me. The rain comes down harder.
