“Excellent choice. The first thing the deck asks is to open and share your energy. You can do this by handling the deck—shuffling, cutting, shifting cards from one hand to the other.” She gestures for me to sit at a larger table, where she sits across from me. “Please take your time.”
I take the deck and start moving my hands through it. I knew this was coming. Last night, I brushed up on my tarot research, reading several “what to expect” type articles. Viv, knowing me better than anyone, asked if I had any questions before we made it to this part of our itinerary.
She gets me.
“While you’re shuffling the deck, take a few moments to think about questions you’d like answers to or topics you’d like to explore.”
Although I knew this was the purpose, my heart races. The idea of tarot always seemed like a blast, but I forgot most of the premise.
I feel like a cliché when the first thing that comes to mind is about relationships. Is there something wrong with me that I’m only capable of attracting people like Jack? Is there someone out there for me? I’m embarrassed by my own thoughts. Out of all the things to want to know about, why is it about men?
“It looks like you’ve thought of something. Would you like to share?” Jane lightly prompts.
“Ugh. Not really.” My hands are still nervously going through the deck.
Jane continues. “There are no wrong questions. It’s a good sign you’ve found something you’d like to explore. A sign of an intentional mind.” Her voice could lull me to sleep. “It’s difficult but try to be kind to yourself and honor these thoughts.” She closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath. I do the same.
“But it’s so basic and not worth talking about—” My judgmental and diminishing words barely make it out before Jane interrupts.
“Stop. Why are you putting yourself, your thoughts, and your questions down before we’ve even looked at the cards?” Her eyes are filled with compassion and an invitation to be open. “Ivy, take another few breaths. When you’re ready, share what you’d like to explore.” Jane sits still and tall across from me. Her expression is one of patience and openness.
The breathing helps. Even if these aren’t the right questions, I’ll never see this woman again. This is supposed to be fun and exciting. Vivian squeezes my knee under the table.
“I want to know about love. The last relationship I was in ended badly. After it was over, I started to notice all these things about him I can’t stand. It’s like I made excuses. I think my specific questions are: am I doing something to attract people like this? And is there an opportunity for love in my future? Am I worthy?” I’m out of breath. It’s hard being vulnerable.
Jane keeps eye contact the entire time, nodding, and showing me, she’s understanding. “Oh, what lovely matters to explore with you today. I appreciate you opening up.” She means it. Or she’s incredible at making me feel this way. “Is there anything else on your mind?”
“My ex still works with me. It’s been difficult. I know I’m capable of overcoming hard challenges, but I’m interested to know if this is the right move for me. It feels vague, and I’m not talking down to myself, but that’s what’s on my mind.”
Jane smirks when she sees the self-awareness showing through.
“Another wonderful adventure, Ivy. When you’re ready, create threepiles. Continue to breathe and let your intuition guide the direction. You may create these however you’d like. We’ll use these to explore relationships in the sense of past, present, and future.” She gestures to a possible placement for the cards.
After shuffling the cards a few more times, I cut the deck into thirds. I spend a few seconds thinking about each section: past, present, and future. I push the piles forward, indicating I’m ready.
Jane pulls the first card and pauses, like she’s letting me take it in. The image of the card is someone being stabbed.
“Your past: The Ten of Swords. Wounds. Pain.” She looks up at me. “You mentioned your previous relationship ending badly.”
“He cheated on me, at work, while I was still there, in a room full of windows. Lots of colleagues saw.”
Jane can’t keep her face level when she hears that.
“Wow. Well, there’s the deep sense of betrayal. If you think past your most recent relationship, can you recall any that served you positively? This doesn’t necessarily mean it worked out, but maybe you had an amicable breakup or separation?”
I don’t have to think much about my answer.
“Not really. I haven’t had a ton of relationships, even fewer of them were serious. None who I’d view in a positive light, today.”
Jane nods, letting me sort this out.
“What did you learn from these past relationships?”
What did I learn? I feel like I’m back in my therapist’s office. I think I accepted more than I learned, when it came to myself. I easily looked at myself and thought how there must be something deeply ingrained in me that made me not a match with the other person. It wasn’t much as self-reflection as it was coming to the quickest conclusion.
“Mostly, what red flags to run from.” I cringe a little when I say it. I sound like a woman scorned.
“An important experience, even if it’s not desirable.” Jane’s voice soothes and reasons with me.
