“Fuck it,” I shrugged and inhaled deeply. “WHHHHYYYY?” I screamed followed by a deep, animalistic noise I didn’t know I was capable of producing.
“Again!” Harper encouraged and clapped her hands together loudly.
I was in the zone so I did as she said without question. “Fucking WHHHHYYYY?! Mark, you motherfucking bastard!! You did this to all of us! You might as well have killed him yourself! I hate you! I hope Satan is fucking your ass with a red-hot fire poker right this very second!!”
I inhaled deeply and dropped into my chair. It was only then I realized I’d been standing.
“Good!” Harper said excitedly. “Feel better?”
“A little,” I admitted.
Harper nodded. “That’s a good answer. If you’d said ‘much’ or ‘completely,’ I would’ve known you were lying. This isn’t something that can be mended by one session of screaming. But continually working through your feelings will get you to a place of acceptance. And that’s what I want to help you do. Now, I can’t come to Devil Springs every week and I know you can’t make it to Croftridge every week; but if you’re willing, we could do some counseling sessions via video chat.”
“I’m willing to try anything at this point,” I confessed.
“Good. I’ll do whatever I can to help,” she said and glanced at her phone. “We still have some time before my aunt comes back. Earlier you asked if you were supposed to be in love with your dead husband as well as Savior. Let’s talk about that.”
I focused my eyes on the table. “Uh, I don’t really know what to say about that.”
“Let me ask you this. Why do you see it as a problem?”
“Well, uh, I, um,” I stammered. “Because you can’t be in love with two people at the same time.”
She leaned forward and propped her chin up with her fist. “Why is that?”
I blinked at her in confusion. “Because it’s wrong. It’s a form of cheating.”
“And there it is,” she said with a Cheshire-like grin. “The source of your guilt.”
“What?”
“You feel like you’re cheating on Ian with Savior, which is why it was easier for you to handle when you were angry with Ian. Did you think that he might have left you for another woman?”
My hand flew up to cover my mouth as I slowly nodded. I didn’t want to believe it, and I didn’t have any proof, but what woman wouldn’t think her husband was cheating on her if he came home from work one day and told her he was leaving without any explanation? “I didn’t know for sure, but it did cross my mind more than once.”
“And that was enough for you to justify your relationship with Savior. But, that all went out the window when you learned the truth about Ian, leaving you to feel like you’d betrayed your marriage.”
I stared at her in complete and utter shock. The feelings coursing through me that I had been unable to identify suddenly had names and descriptions.
“Do you and Savior talk about Ian?” she asked carefully.
I nodded and cleared my throat. “We do occasionally. He told me he would never ask me or the kids to forget about him. He’s been unbelievably understanding of the entire situation and even encouraged me to have pictures in the kids’ rooms.”
She smiled fondly. “That sounds like Savior and his big ole heart. Okay, I have a suggestion for you two. It may seem strange, but hear me out. I think you and Savior should go talk to Ian, together. Tell him about your relationship, tell him about the baby, and tell him how you both feel about the situation. You don’t have to hide your relationship from Ian and you don’t have to hide your love for Ian from Savior. Savior can love you in a way Ian can’t right now, and his heart is big enough to love you, your children, and Ian.”
“Damn, you’re good,” I blurted causing her to smile.
She waved her hand dismissively. “I don’t know about all that, but I hope I was able to help. Now this last part is my personal opinion and that’s mainly because I don’t have a professional opinion to offer on this particular topic. About your son calling Savior ‘daddy,’ I don’t think you should address it unless it happens again. At that point—and you’re probably not going to like this—I think you should let the two of them discuss what they’re comfortable with. Savior may not like it or Braxton may have simply made a mistake. In other words, don’t stress over it right now. You’ve got enough on your plate as it is.”
“Well, I definitely agree with you there.”
47
Savior
Iwas almost finished with my lunch when Copper, Judge, and Batta walked into the diner. Copper handed the waitress a wad of cash and said, “This should be more than enough to cover the tab. Keep whatever’s left.” Directing his attention to the rest of us, he barked, “Outside,” before spinning on his heel and heading to the parking lot.
I swallowed my last bite of food, washed it down with a huge gulp of sweet tea, and rushed to get my ass outside to find out what in the hell was going on. They were back much sooner than any of us expected.
