"Good, you deserve that and so much more, Noah!" My voice gets louder and harder as I straighten and grip the handles of my bag for dear life. "If you touch me again, I'm going to do worse to you. Leave me alone and go play with your whore." The sound of footsteps rapidly approaching gets my attention, and I turn toward them, my face flaming with terror and embarrassment at the situation I find myself in.
"I know, sweet baby girl. Fuck,Iknow," Noah groans as he tries to catch his breath, and for a brief second, I almost feel sorry for him and worry that I did some damage, but then my self-preservation kicks in, and I take a step away from him, keeping him in my sight line while I look for an escape.
"OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BOYFRIEND, YOU STUPID SKANK?" Josslyn's high-pitched screech draws both of our attention, and it's as if we're frozen, watching her run toward us in her high heels and a tiny skirt that barely covers her crotch, with her mouth wide open, and her friends on her heels. She reaches me first, and her hand rises as if to slap me, but I dodge it at the last moment, and something snaps inside of me. It's as if a dam breaks, and all the water rushes through, ready and willing to cause destruction. My hand rises of its own accord and connects with the side of her face, and then my fingers grab onto a bunch of her hair, and I pull. Shereleases a god-awful scream that threatens to shatter everyone's eardrums as she attempts to dislodge my hold. "I'm going to kill you, you stupid bitch!" She screams near my ear, and it causes me to yank harder until heavy tears slide down her face like a black river from her mascara.
"You were always full of yourself, Joss. You don't scare me or anyone else. As for your nasty boyfriend…" I raise my knee and land a whack to her heaving stomach, before shoving my other elbow into the middle of her back. "Keep him the fuck away from me. I don't want to catch any of the diseases you two are sharing." I release her hair and shove her backward, and she stumbles, falling to the ground near Noah's feet. I give her friends a furious glare, and they instantly put space between us, but don't utter a single word in defense of Josslyn. Some fucking friends she has now, bunch of damn cowards.
I turn and walk away, my head held high and my shoulders straight, and force myself to take measured steps down the hallway. I refuse to show them how much what just happened is tearing me apart on the inside. Just as I reach the end of the hallway, and the door that releases me from this building, I look back to see Noah standing and staring at me intently while Josslyn is still trying to regain her feet, and he's doing nothing to help her. She looks pitiful, her legs sprawled, and her skirt now around her waist, displaying her underwear for everyone to see. Her hair is clinging to her face as she continues to cry, and her friends finally show some humanity and try to help her stand, but it's like watching a newborn fawn take their first steps.
Noah's eyes meet mine, his gaze searing into me even from a distance. His hand rises to his lips, and he kisses his fingers and waves them at me, and my throat closes tightly with the gesture. It's something he used to do whenever we parted here on campus for our own classes. He always sent me off with a finger-kissed goodbye. I feel the tears burning my eyes, and I know I'mseconds away from breaking down here in front of him. I pull myself together, refusing to give either of them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I shove my side hard into the lever to open the door, and rush out into the wintry sunshine as I gasp for air and don't turn back. My feet kick up into a steady jog as I dart around other students, the tears already starting to slide from my eyes as I swipe at them angrily.
I finally stop when I reach the back of the next building and duck into a copse of trees, my legs refusing to carry me any further as silent sobs wrack my frame. My mind viciously replays his words over and over in my head."Have you missed me the way I've missed you, sweet baby girl? Does this heart miss mine?"
Lies.It's all lies. Noah Tisdale is full of deceit. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him wanting to hurt me so much, but it's obvious now to me that he never cared for me, and hates me. Why else would he say those things and put me through this?
I drag my hands down my face as I sit on the ground, my back resting against the harsh bark of one of the trees. We were never truly in love; it was all some sick game he was playing with me. I must have been incredibly amusing to him, falling all over him and bending myself backward to make him happy. I lost a part of myself to Noah, and I know I will never get it back. I'll never be the trusting or carefree girl I once was. He's tainted everything for me, and he'll continue to do that if I keep giving him what he wants, a fucking reaction.
The last of the tears falls, and I use the back of my hand to wipe them away. I can't continue to be this victim. I have to find the strength to move on from Noah and our traumatic relationship. Maybe it all starts with allowing my fantasies to come to life. To free me from all the things I hold back and refuse to acknowledge. Perhaps if I had been willing to be honest, andexplore some of my kinks without shame, Noah wouldn't have looked elsewhere for satisfaction.
One thing is for sure: I'm done allowing myself to be his punching bag. He wants to come at me to hurt me some more, he's going to find that his victim has grown a lot more than just teeth. I grab my bag off the ground and hoist it to my shoulder with determination. Valentine's can't come soon enough. I have a feeling it's the change I need to become a better, freer version of myself without Noah Tisdale's influence.
It's time to become the woman I hide inside, and tell the world that continually judges me to go fuck itself.
CHAPTER 5
NOAH
I’m still standing in amazement as Cordelie races out the door full of rage, with her head held high. When did my sweet baby girl grow a backbone? I grimace with the ache still permeating through my nuts, as I muse over the fact that she’s somehow also become violent since I last had a moment alone with her. One look over my shoulder to the squawking Josslyn’s still doing, while her useless friends hoist her back to her feet, confirms that Cordelie’s newfound courage and violence isn’t only directed at me, and a grin forms on my lips.
God, it was beautiful watching her stand up for herself against Josslyn and me. The way her stunning blue-gray eyes filled with smoldering fire and malice had a shudder racing through my body, and all my blood flow heading straight for my cock. I almost wanted to applaud, but I was too busy trying not to puke up my innards from her hit.
One of Josslyn’s entourage comes closer, gaining my attention as she holds something shiny out to me. “You dropped your phone, Noah,” she utters timidly, while blushing and batting her eyelashes at me. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tellher it’s not mine, when I spot the‘crazy cat’sticker on the bottom of the back cover, and I swallow my words.
Instead, I make sure to brush my fingers against her hand, wink to distract her, and pocket it before Josslyn gets a glance at it. “Thanks, sweetness,” I whisper seductively and watch her cheeks turn crimson. Ugh, sometimes it’s too easy. I know just from her reaction that if I asked her to step into that empty lecture hall with me, I could have her bent over one of the seats with my cock shoved up her cunt with minimal effort. She’s Josslyn’s friend, until she’s not. It makes me believe that there really are no good people left in the world, myself included. Except I just watched one flee my presence, like I was a monster ready to devour her, and maybe I am.
“What were you doing with her, Noah?” Josslyn demands, her voice trembling slightly, as she grips my arm tightly, and I can hear the hurt and confusion in her tone. I should probably tell her she looks like a coked-out raccoon at the moment, with the black makeup streaks running down her face, but what would be the fun in that? I notice none of her friends bother to tell her either. Josslyn can always use a little humility with how highly she thinks of herself. It's true that I'm a liar, cheat, and psychopath, but at least I don't think I'm better than anyone else. “Noah, I’m speaking to you!”
I can feel the vein at my temple starting to throb, and I fist my hands tightly, fighting the urge to push her away violently. My mind races with the conflicting feelings of anger, guilt, and a desperate need to escape, all swirling inside of me like hot lava waiting to explode. “Goddamnit, woman, will you just shut the hell up! Your fucking voice is giving me a damn headache!” I yank my arm out of her hold, and instantly feel a pang of remorse as a look of hurt crosses her features.Fuck, fuck, fuck.I drag my hands down my face with agitation, torn between my impulses and my conscience. “I wasn’t doing anything, Joss. Sheliterally ran into me ’cause she wasn’t looking where she was going. That’s it, so drop the jealousy act.”
I don’t want to hurt Josslyn either, despite her being a shitty human just like me. The truth is, we’re both kindred spirits, both broken, filled with malice, and constantly self-sabotaging ourselves and hurting others. She wasn’t the reason I blew up my life and lost the best thing that had ever happened to me.I was.I know I shouldn’t take it out on her, yeah, she tempted me, but I was already looking for a way to fuck myself over, way before Josslyn spread her legs for me.
It’s always been there, this deep-seated feeling inside of myself that I don’t deserve anything good in this world. That everything I touch will always turn to ash. Even when I tried hard to fight against it, like I did for the first few months I was with Cordelie, I eventually faltered and gave in to the madness and the self-deprecating thoughts. I broke us because I knew, deep down in my heart, I was never going to be good enough for her, and I didn’t want to see her lose her spark because of me. In the end, that’s exactly what happened with my shitty choices. I can feel the despair rising inside of me like a sick, black tide that wants to drown me, and I know I need to get away from Josslyn before I do something else I’ll eventually regret. If she were smart, she would run as far away from me as she could, just like Cordelie did, and never look back.You're a monster. No one could ever truly love you, not the real you.
“I’m... sorry, Noah. It’s just... You know how she is, and I… worry.” A hint of embarrassment crosses Josslyn’s face, and she tries to hide it from her friends. Even though I’m feeling an overwhelming need to get the hell out of here and go locate Cordelie, and use her phone as an excuse to see her again, I raise my hand and cradle Josslyn’s face, using my thumb to rub at the black smudges. She leans into me like I’m her whole world, and the reason for her existence, and that causes my chest to tighten.I don’t want to be that for anyone, shit, I can barely stand myself most days.
“I know, baby, but you have to stop. It’s not a good look for you. She doesn’t want me back.” I don’t bother adding on that if she did, I’d drop to my fucking knees and walk through glass to make it up to Cordelie. There’s no point in acknowledging that fact, since it’s hopeless. Today just proved it. “I gotta go, I’ll see you later.” I wink, as I remove my touch, and instantly feel lighter. God, it’s getting harder and harder to live with the consequences of my actions.
“Will you come by tonight and stay with me?” Josslyn questions, her green eyes filling with unshed tears, the insecurity evident in her tone. I catch her friends smirking at each other from my peripheral vision, and it makes me both sad and angry on her behalf. Everyone we surround ourselves with is a faker and a maggot.Have you looked in the mirror lately? You're no better.
“Sure, baby, make sure you wear something sexy for me.” I force a smile, lean in, and peck her lips. Her face instantly brightens with hope, and a lump forms in my throat. Fuck, I’m such a piece of shit. I don’t wait to allow her to deepen our PDA, so that she can convince herself and her friends that our relationship is alright. It’s a sick game the two of us are playing, and there’ll be no winners at the end, just a mountain of hurt.
I turn away without even saying goodbye, my head high, shoulders back, and Cordelie’s phone heavy in my pocket, knowing that, like the asshole addict I am, I can’t stay away from Cordelie, and I’m about to hurt all of us all over again.
I don’t make it farther than the school library before I’m slinking into a darkened corner like the villain I am, and pulling out the phone. I stare at it, tracing my thumb over her favorite sticker, knowing full well I have no business going through it, and should just return it to her. My hand trembles at the thoughtthat I’ve already done so many shitty things to this woman. Yet, I can’t seem to help myself. What’s one more? I’ll just take a quick peek if I can get past her password, then I’ll find her or her cunt of roommate, and make sure she gets it back.Yeah, right, 'cause you're such a good guy.
I slide down the wall, my back pressed to it, my knees bent and raised as I stare at the small, unforgiving screen, which displays a beautiful, glowing sunset, covered in soft golds, burnt oranges, and fading pinks. The kind of beauty that once felt like it belonged tousand our love. I remember when it did, and it used to frame two silhouettes deeply in love who wanted to explore the world together.
My chest tightens at the remembrance that her lockscreen used to be a picture of us kissing at the spring fair last year at sunset. Now it’s just an image on a phone, and I’m no longer in it, and have been completely erased as if I was never even there. My miserable reflection ghosts over the glass as I stare, my face layered over a moment I no longer have a place in. The image of the sunset is breathtaking, whole, unlike us. Sitting here, I realize how easily I was obliterated, cropped right out of her warm light, and left behind in the dark while her world kept glowing without me.You deserve that and so much more, you hurt the person who always put you before themselves.
