"We'll just have to see. Excuse me, I need to get some fresh air," I said, forcing him to slide out of the booth. I strode away.
4
Nathan
As I watchedElizabeth storm out of the restaurant and into the parking lot in frustration, it suddenly hit me. I really was a dick back then. She was still hurting. And I was mortified.
It was the first time I had come face to face with the girl I bullied in since we graduated and I could feel my face turn red in shame. I didn't even bother responding to her last comment.We'll just have to see?What did that even mean? I sincerely doubted she was at all open to giving me another chance. I mean, I was a fool to think she'd just forget about all the times my friends and I had tormented her. No one gets through that kind of torment unscathed. I had tried so hard to put it all behind me. I bet she did too. And here I come waltzing back into her life.
I got up, unable to sit there helplessly, and walked back to Tanner's car with my hands shoved into my pockets. I considered bailing on the date entirely and running the rest of the way back home. I could explain everything to Tanner later.
When I reached the exit, I glanced back and saw that he was still chatting with McKenzie. He shot me a concerned glance, mouthingwhat are you doing?But, I stood still. He kissed McKenzie goodbye and said something to her that I couldn't quite hear.
I turned away from the restaurant, desperately wanting to disappear. It was immature and stupid to try to avoid my problems like this, but I also knew that Elizabeth wanted nothing to do with me. She’d probably be glad I left.I shouldn't have even come,I thought, shaking my head in disgust.
I mean, nowadays, I’m nothing like I was back in high school. I have new friends. New goals. I’m polite, even. I grew the fuck up. But I never actually did stop to really, deeply consider all the ways I had hurt and humiliated people back then. Elizabeth hadn’t been my only victim.
As a teenager, I totally believed that I had to be mean and nasty to be popular. The saddest part was that… it actually worked; I had earned all kinds of social capital by being horrible to people who were easy targets. Nerds. Dorks. Losers. And… Elizabeth. I had no idea how my immature brain had managed to rationalize that kind of thinking at the time. I cringed at the thought.
I had tried for so long to move past that version of myself. To be a better man. And here I was being directly confronted by someone I’d hurt so deeply. Thinking about it made me sick. I didn't even recognize my high school self anymore and started to wonder how many other people I had scarred. Most of my victims were quiet, shy, outcasts like Elizabeth, who had done absolutely nothing except be themselves in a world that wasn’t ready to accept them. It was bullying. Full stop. And I was realizing that I had no right to just move on and pretend it never even happened. I should have mended things between me and Elizabeth a lot sooner, but instead, I decided to be selfish about it. I made a mental note to reach out at some point to the other people I had bullied all those years ago. Being around Elizabeth reminded me that this kind of thing clearly left deep psychological scars.
Apparently, Tanner noticed the distraught look on my face and I felt his hand nudge my shoulder while we walked back to his car. He'd managed to catch up to me just as I was trying to slip away and was not happy to leave McKenzie alone to deal with my sorry ass. "What the hell, man? Where are you going?” he asked. "Elizabeth looked pretty pissed, and now you're running off."
I sighed, turning to face him. I was so close to bolting, but I knew I had to explain myself. Man up. Or it would haunt me for the rest of my life.
"Were you seriously about to just leave? What could be so bad that running home is the only option?" he asked incredulously.
"It's a really long story. Like… from high school.” I said, frowning. I wasn’t looking forward to reliving all of those experiences. And this time, I’d probably get judged for it. But, if I had to tell someone, it should be Tanner. He’s a decent guy, the kind of mature friend I’m glad I’ve made over the years. He’s likely think I was a piece of shit and be disgusted with me. Though,if I’m being completely honest, I definitely deserved any harsh judgment I got.
“Tell me on the way back to the car,” he instructs. "I don't know what it is you're running from, but I'm sure it can't be so bad that you want toactuallyrun the ten miles back to your house.”
I nodded in silent agreement and followed him to his car.
“Dude, what’s going on? I’ve never seen you upset. It’s kind of freaking me out a little. I mean, we can talk about it for a bit, but you have to promise not to bail on the rest of the night, okay?"
I nodded again. Tanner was one of my best friends and I hoped he still would be after I told him what a dick I was in the past.
"Yeah, I promise," I conceded. “I won’t bail.”
We turned around and doubled back to his car. I took a deep breath and composed myself, thinking of the best way to word all this.
“Okay, so… Back in high school, I was kind of… a stereotypical mean jock. Seriously, like the ones you see in all those terrible teen movies," I stated. "Our school was super cliquey and full of drama and rumors. It was just a toxic situation for all of us. Kill or be killed. I mean, in terms of popularity. But a lot of kids like Elizabeth wanted nothing to do with it."
“Come on, aren’t most schools like that to an extent? I mean, the stereotypes exist for a reason, right?" Tanner replied. We walked, side by side, down the sidewalk and back to the parking lot. "Hell, I was kind of a jerk back then, too. I think everyone regrets who they were in high school."
"Yeah, but this was different. I took it way too far. I mean, I was on the football team and I was surrounded by all these other popular kids in sports and stuff. We were pretty shitty to anyone who didn’t… you know… fit in,” I continued, staring down at my feet. One by one, I remembered every terrible thing my buddies and I had done to Elizabeth and I felt like death warmed over. I couldn’t imagine how she must’ve felt about it. Or how she probably felt right now.
"Again, Nathan, yeah, most of us were pretty cringey and mean back then. But, what could be so bad that Elizabeth still hates you to this day?" he asked.
I sighed, knowing I’d have to come to terms with thisparticularterrible thing.
"Elizabeth was a bit different back then, too. She was, uh… a little heavier-set and dorky. She was insanely smart and got really good grades. Her teachers loved her and I think a lot of us were jealous of her in a weird way, actually. I had English class with her and my assigned seat happened to be right next to hers. That was sort of where it all started," I said, somberly as we approached the car.
"Go on," Tanner urged. "What happened after that?"
"Well, I was kind of awful in school. I made okay enough grades, but Elizabeth was something else. She made straightA’s every semester, every class, and she really knew her stuff. Like I said, I think I was kind of jealous. I drove her absolutely nuts with my constant questions and basically treated her like my own personal tutor. And I think she was sort of afraid of me, so she just went along with it. I was really pushy to get what I wanted from her. And then I was rude as hell to her any other time."
"That's not so bad," Tanner responded. "I mean, I was kind of crappy to girls like that back then, too. Did you—“
