I turned my back to him and continued walking back to the library, but my pace had slowed almost to a complete stop. I doubled back. I had more to say to Nathan.
“Look, I know you care about me. That's not the problem. I care about you, too, Nathan. I just don't understand why you brought this up right before I'm about to take an exam that determines the entire rest of my future and my career."
"Well, honestly, I've been thinking it for the past two weeks or so," he confessed. "I've been trying to find a time to tell you. Every time just felt wrong. Something about today...I don't know. I suddenly had to tell you."
I was almost back at the library. I needed to go back inside, keep studying, and deal with all of this later, but I still had so many questions for Nathan. I still wasn't sure how I felt.DidI love him? I mean, I definitely had strong feelings for him. I’ve never felt this way before.
But, this was all new to me.
"I wasn't expecting you to say it back or anything," he assured me. "I don't know why I fell for you so fast. But, does anyone ever know why they love someone?." He scratched his head. "Like I said, it's not like I’ve ever been in love before."
I bit my lip as more tears streamed down my face and fell to the sidewalk, leaving little wet dots on the ground. "I can't think about love right now," I whispered, confused.
“We can talk whenever you're ready, I guess. I probably need some time to think, too. I'm going to go grab my stuff and head home. I'm really sorry, Elizabeth. I don't know what else to say." He walked away without another word.
I stood there, cold and alone, bawling my eyes out. I sat down on a nearby bench and put my head in my hands as I wept. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed McKenzie's number. Thankfully, she answered.
"Hey, girl, what's up?" she asked, her bubbly voice bringing me a tiny bit of comfort.
"Can we talk?” My voice cracked as I spoke. "I really need you right now. I don't know what to do."
Her entire tone changed immediately. "Oh, no, Elizabeth, what's wrong? What did Nathan do?” She sounded angry.
"He didn't do anythingexactly," I replied. “He... he told me he loved me. We were here at the library, studying, and we took a walk, and for some reason, he just blurted out that he loved me. I don't know what the hell is going on or what's gotten into him. I don't know what to do," My voice trailed off and devolved into pained, frantic sobs. "I need to study, but I can't think about anything but him now. What am I supposed to do?"
"He told you he loved you?" McKenzie asked incredulously. "What the hell? You guys have only been dating for, what, a couple months? And he decided to drop a bomb on you when you're studying for the freaking MCAT?"
"Yeah. I don't know what he was thinking," I whined. "I don't...I don't..." I stuttered, gulping for air as I wept.
"Hey, hey, listen," she said, her voice calm and comforting. "Get your stuff packed up and go home and get some rest. Okay? You have two days before the MCAT. You need to go home and get some sleep, all right? After that, you can spend all day tomorrow studying. I'll come home soon, and we can talk and cry and watch movies or do whatever you need. Take care of yourself today. I love you, Elizabeth. You're going to be okay."
I nodded, feeling a bit stupid when I realized she couldn't see. "Okay. I love you, too, McKenzie. Thank you. I'm sorry to call you freaking out like this. I didn't know what else to do.”
"Anytime. Literally anytime. Call me back when you get home. I’ll keep my phone nearby," she replied warmly.
"Yeah. Bye." I sniffled, hanging up. I took a deep breath and got up from the bench, steadied myself, and headed back into the library.
17
Elizabeth
I tuckedmy dark hair behind my ears as I forced myself to focus on my textbook.
I'd been here for hours now, wedged between the cushions of the living room couch, with my anatomy book in my lap, but I'd never read beyond that first page. Each time I got to the second page, my mind wandered. I noticed the obsidian color of the inked words and how they stood out on the cream-colored pages.
I surveyed each of the colorful diagrams and, satisfied that I knew each of the parts without peeking at the labels, I started the first page over again. It was a fruitless effort. I felt something twitch in my forehead. I hoped it wasn’t the start of another migraine. I tried to ignore it.
But, each time it pulsed, my eyebrow rose as if I'd read something fascinating. That twitch picked up speed as I scanned the pages, and soon, the it became a dull throbbing that gave everything a faint-pink outline. The throbbing continued, getting worse and worse, until I was forced to look away from the page and close my eyes . I let my head roll back, letting out an even breath.
Nathan's face came to me in the dark, and the guilt set in again quickly. He'd been so honest about his feelings for me the other day. And I basically broke his heart. I forced my eyes open before I could replay the conversation again in my mind. I'd been driving myself crazy doing that. I could see hope in his eyes turn to sadness. I could recall the exact the words I'd used to tell him off. Guilt plagued me, and I pushed the heavy anatomy textbook from my lap to stretch out. I rolled over and pulled out my phone.
The screen lit up happily with a variety of time-wasting options available. I flicked through them leisurely. A few minutes of clobbering things with an animated hammer while bright colors flashed and happy music played was just what the doctor ordered. But after beating my old score, I started looking through my pictures.
Most of the recent ones were with Nathan, so I skipped over them before I drove myself crazy. I landed on some pictures McKenzie and I had taken during our first few weeks on campus. We'd driven out to this hidden lake together and wound up stripping down to our underwear to jump into the water. Kenzie and I had linked arms as we jumped together. We took a picture afterward, still dripping wet and breathing heavy, with our arms still linked. I smiled as I touched the tops of our sunburnt cheeks.
I flipped to the next picture and was surprised to see my mom's face. In the picture, she and I were sitting together in a rooftop restaurant in Athens in the middle of the afternoon. She had her arm thrown around me and her forehead pressed against mine. I couldn't remember if she'd stopped a waiter or some random passerby to take it. At the time, I was embarrassed about my sunburnt cheeks and my frizzy hair but, now, it was one of my favorite pictures. She'd taken me on this trip as a celebration after I got accepted into college. It was a reward for my hard work. Both of my parents had insisted on celebrating the news even though my dad wasn't able to get away from his own research for the trip. In the picture, both of us held onto glasses of white wine, and there were pieces of blackened fish and steamed vegetables in front of us. We both had bags underneath our eyes but smiled brightly for the picture.
I haven't been home to visit or talked to her in a while, but that wasn't unusual. She was a busy woman. On top of balancing her marriage with raising me, she managed a full workload as one of the senior attending physicians in the cardio-thoracic department of a big, downtown trauma center . Not to mention that she still managed to produce industry-innovating research every chance she got. My mom was the type of surgeon I wanted to be when I was finished with the MCAT and med school. She was the standard I held myself to, along with nearly a thousand or two other young, female soon-to-be surgeons. I tapped on her contact on my phone and hit the big, green button in the center of the screen.
