We walked, side by side, on the short trail that surrounded the library. I grabbed her and interlaced our fingers. We strolled mostly in silence, grateful for the opportunity to justbetogether.
"I wish every day could be just like this," she sighed. "I mean, not like the stressful studying and crying part, but just...this right here."
She turned to face me and leaned in for a kiss. I pulled her in close and cupped her cheeks in my hands, kissing her more deeply.
Maybe now I can tell her,I thought.
When the kiss broke, my cock was at half-mast. We locked eyes for a few seconds and I got this fluttering, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, like a million butterflies were trying to break free. As strange as it felt, it was also exhilarating.
"Elizabeth, I love you," I said, plainly.
Her eyes widened and she stared back at me, amazed and confused. Her jaw dropped and her mouth formed anOshape. Her entire body froze in place. I swallowed nervously, waiting for her response, all alone except for the winter breeze.
The longer we stood there, the more chilling the silence became.
And with every passing moment, I got the sinking suspicion that she wasn't going to say it back.
16
Elizabeth
Nathan stared into my eyes,waiting for me to say something. My mouth hung open, and I was completely taken aback by what he’d just said. He loved me? How could he love me? We had only been dating for a few months?
"What?" I asked flatly. "W-what are you talking about? What do you mean? What am I supposed to say to that?" I pulled away from him and stared, feeling confused and awkward.
"I love you, Elizabeth. I'm serious. I know it's probably too soon to say it, but..." he trailed off, running a hand through his gelled-up, spiky blond fauxhawk. He looked panicked.
"Um," I whispered. "Are you serious? You're in love with me?” Suddenly, I felt a little angry. "Why would you say that to me while I'm studying for the most important exam of my entire life? I can't deal with this right now." My voice cracked as I turned away.
"Deal with this? You have to figure out how todeal withme being in love with you? Really?" he blurted out. "Wow, I'm so sorry that our relationship is such a huge burden on you right now!"
"What do you want me to say? I really can't think about this right now, Nathan. We have so much going on. You have the LSATs. I have the MCATs." I shook my head as tears started to stream down my face. I bit my lip and dried my eyes on my shirt sleeve. "Things were going so well between us. This is too much. I'm going back in to go study.”
Thankfully, we were alone, or else we would have made a huge scene.
"In two days, the fate of my entire life will be determined by how I do one one test. I don’t have time for love right now.” I turned to storm off back toward the library, but he put a hand on my shoulder. I jerked away from him.
"Elizabeth, I...I don't know why I said that. You're right. It was way too soon. I'm sorry. Please try to understand—" he sputtered, but I cut him off.
"No, you feel what you feel, and that's fine. But I can't worry aboutfeelingsuntil this is over," I groaned. ”How would you even know if you love me yet, anyway? That's completely insane! We've only been together for a couple of months, Nathan!Months!" My hands were balled into fists, my entire body tense and stiff.
I wanted to love him. But I didn’t. Not yet, anyway. Almost. But… not just yet.
"Months or not, I meant it," he replied. "You're the only girl I've ever felt this way about. I don't know how it happened so fast, but it did. So I said it. I know the timing was terrible, but I couldn't hold back anymore." He stared at the ground with his shoulders slumped.
"Just me? I'm...the first girl you've ever loved?" I asked. I cocked my head, curiously. Usually, Nathan was pretty easy to read, but now, he was giving off all kinds of weird mixed signals.
"Yes. And it scares the shit out of me," he said, his voice hardly louder than a whisper. "It's so scary falling in love with someone this fast. Maybe I should have kept it to myself. I mean... I probably I just ruined things between us, didn't I?”
"No, you didn't ruin everything," I responded, "but this does make things a lot harder and more confusing. You had to know that this would change things. We have a good thing going on between us and now I feel like I'm supposed to reciprocate, but I don't even know how I feel, and—"
"You don't have to say it back," Nathan reasoned. “You don't have to feel the same way. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm saying and I probably just need to shut up before I make things worse. I'm just so, so damn scared of losing you, Elizabeth. Please, please just think about this. We can pretend this never happened.”
”How am I supposed to pretend this never happened?" I asked him. "I don't think I can do this."
“Elizabeth…”
“Nathan, I'm sorry. I need a minute. I need… to go study."
