Cold and Lonely
In the locker room after, Coach isn’t angry, he’s disappointed, which sucks so much worse. Angry would mean we made stupid mistakes, things we can fix, but if he’s given up, it means we’re just not good enough.
We’re quiet in the showers, some guys making plans to get wasted at Slapshots, which means we’ll probably have to do suicides tomorrow. There is nothing I hate more than showing up to practice and seeing a trash can on the ice.
“You coming out tonight?” David asks hopefully.
“I’m gonna head home,” I argue.
“Tell Sav I say hi.” Owen winks at me, assuming that’s why I’m bailing.
Me
See you Tuesday.
I text Savannah, so she won’t be waiting for me when I leave the arena, but I feel like an ass, because she probably thought we would go out or something after. The last few games, I’ve texted Savannah once I got out, or after she congratulated me for the win, then we’d go back to her place or mine. But tonight I played like shit, and we lost. I’m in my head and beating myself up, which makes me terrible company. Savannah doesn’t deserve that, no one does. I would have had to suck it up if Izzie was here, but I am so relieved that I can just go home and be miserable without having to pretend that it doesn’t suck that we just lost, that I wasn’t good enough to get us that W.
Some of the other guys are slow to leave as well, while others hurry to get out as if fleeing our bad moods. Even the ones who are going to parties or bars are going there to drown that loss, not to party, and as much as getting blackout drunk tonight could be fun, I don’t like to use substances to dull my pain, and the last thing I want to be when I feel like this is social.
Lacey is the only one left when Darren and I head out, so I wave from a few feet away, then head off in the opposite direction, to take the long way home. The roommates are either out or in their rooms, because the house is dark and quiet by the time I get there and make myself a grilled cheese that I eat in my room while working on a stupid assignment, because those numbers don’t change, and they all add up. After a few hours, I hear the front door and giggles, so I turn my light off and head to bed before Colt can try to rope me into whatever he has going on downstairs.
As I’m sliding under the covers and setting my alarm for tomorrow, it hits me that I wish Sav was here. Not all evening, because I was terrible company, but right now, the bed feels fucking cold and lonely, and I just want to hold her.
Me
Thanks for coming today, even without Izzie.
I press send before I can convince myself it’s a bad idea, and finally fall asleep to the image of Savannah James cheering us on in my sweatshirt.
Chapter Fifty
Noah
Missed Your Shot
Coach goes hard on us at practice, with a bag skate he doesn’t call until Colt pukes. He insists it’s because there’s no practice tomorrow rather than because we lost the game, but we call bullshit.
Peaches
Totally random, but are you busy this afternoon?
I want to say yes to whatever she wants to do, but that –mixed with how much I enjoyed seeing her with my name on her back, and how I wanted her in my bed last night, just so I could fucking hold her as I slept – tells me this has gotten way too serious, and we passed friends with benefits weeks ago. Couple in a relationship is what this feels like, and the pressure is fucking…not as scary as it should be. Which scares me. Because I don’t ever want to be like my mom after we lost my dad. I have way too much riding on me.
“We’re going to Slapshots, you in?” Darren asks, causing me to look up.
“Come on, Cap, team bonding,” someone adds.
“There’s a Mavericks game on, right?” Donovan asks Darren.
“I’m not on the team yet,” he argues.
“Fuck, if I was drafted, I’d know everything about them,” Mike insists, but drafted isn’t signed, and we’ve seen our share of teammates graduate with nothing after years of team pride.
Me
The team has decided we’re bonding, and as the captain, I’m apparently not allowed to bail. Rain check?
Peaches
