“He can’t do complicated. I wasn’t easy to start with, but after this…”
“I can’t tell the future, but he definitely cares about you and doesn’t want to see you hurt.”
I believe that. Noah’s a really great guy.
“One night,” I relent. “If you’ll still have me. I work for my parents tomorrow night, so it won’t be weird if I sleep over, and that should give me enough time to figure something out. If you’re sure you don’t mind.”
“I’ve never had a sleepover that didn’t involve sex!” she says excitedly. “Only child,” she explains, as if that’s why I looked at her funny.
Chapter Sixty-Two
Noah
Honorary Older Brothers
“Iz?” I ask when I get in the house, not too loud in case she’s sleeping, but I’ve been stressing ever since coach decided to extend practice for a few of us. I thought it was as payback for my behavior at the game yesterday – and my current hangover – but he cut off my apology to introduce us to his favorite recruit for next year, Jason Hargraves. A goalie who literally stopped everything we threw at him. Probably why we stayed so late, refusing to leave until one of us scored. I had Owen check my phone before he left, but there was nothing from Iz, or my mom, so I didn’t make a big deal of it to Coach.
“She went down about ten minutes ago. Tried to stay up for you, but it sounds like she had an eventful weekend, so sleep won out.”
Doug is on the couch with Tatum asleep on his chest and the tv on mute.
“And my mom?”
“She’s also sleeping,” he shares. “I made Kraft Dinner so she’d eat something, but she looked exhausted, so I let her go to bed while I handled Izzie.”
My jaw tenses at the way he says ‘handled’, and I must be too tired to tone it down, because he notices.
“That wasn’t what I meant. I enjoyed reading her stories. I’m not good at different voices, but I tried Australian for the Bluey one and that smile melted my heart, even though I think she was laughing at me more than anything.”
“Yeah, I put a lot of effort into a different voice for every character, before I realized that being reactive gets as many laughs.”
“She’s a lot easier than I made her out to be. She still looks at me like she doesn’t trust me in the least, like she’s just waiting for me to fail, but at least I don’t think she wants me to anymore.”
“Of course she doesn’t. All she wants are people who love her and show up for her and…” He’s nodding along like that’s what he wants more than anything. “I think it would go a long way if you stopped making it so obvious you think of her as someone else’s child.”
“I don’t.” He looks horrified. “I would never want to replace your father or diminish what he means to her, but it would be an honor to parent her. For her to see me as someone she can trust, or reach out to when she’s scared. Or excited. Or anything.”
“It’s hard to believe that when you’re always making it clear that Tatum is yours and we’re not. I had my dad, and I don’t need to be parented by anyone, especially not someone barely a decade older than me, but Iz is young enough that I don’t think she remembers having a dad, she just knows what it’s like to watch her baby brother have one.”
He pales and looks like I’ve slapped him. Tatum fusses so he pulls him closer, making shush noises to settle him back down.
“I love her, Noah. And I want to help her, to take care of her. I’m all in, but every time I push, she pulls back, and I have to start all over again at a fucking disadvantage.”
I’m about to tell him he’s dead wrong, that Iz would be ecstatic if he actually tried, but then it hits me that he’s talking about my mom.
“Mom’s the one who’s calling them Tatum’s aunt or Tatum’s grandparents and insisting Izzie calls you Doug,” I realize.
“Our biggest fight was when Isabelle was sick at school and I took a personal day to take care of her instead of making your mom, or calling you. She reminded me Isabelle wasn’t my daughter, and made it clear that if I tried, I would lose her.”
“Why do you…”
“Let her?” Doug asks with a sad smile. “She lost the love of her life, and while she doesn’t want to be miserable, I don’t think she wants to move on and be happy without him either. I know she loves me, and that it terrifies her, because she doesn’t want to lean on anyone else, to let someone in and risk feeling that all over again. I’ll keep proving to her that I’m not going anywhere, but I’ll work harder to make sure Isabelle knows it too.”
I nod, looking at this man in a totally different light. Savannah was right when she said there might be more to it. And I want to reach out and tell her that, but while I regret hurting her, this just confirms that I did the right thing in letting her walk away. Because while this sucks and my heart hurts, it’s best for her. Better than stringing her along like my mom is doing to Doug.
* * *
I check in on Izzie before going back to the hockey house, since she’s asleep anyway, but she stirs when I open the door.
