“They want to donate it to the silent auction, but no, not at all. There was no plan. I told everyone to pretend like you weren’t even related, because I knew that was what you wanted.”
“Of course, you know me so well that—” He looks so guilty. I’d assumed he must have figured it out when my face was plastered on the screen after Dallas’ Christmas win, but now I don’t think so. “How, Noah? When did you find out?”
“I don’t care, Savannah. It has zero bearing on how I feel about you.”
“How long, Noah?” I ask before he’s done. “Was it before Christmas?” I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, but contrary to every other time he’s had me feeling this way, it hurts. And I can’t breathe in a bad way, because though I can’t come right out and ask if he knew before we had sex without showing how much it hurts, the look on his face tells me he did. “Before we started being friends with benefits? Before you kissed me? When we met?”
“Parker’s birthday,” he admits, and just like that, it hurts more than if he’d found out at the end-of-term party.
“When you walked me home,” I say like it means nothing, but that’s the first time I really felt that he wanted me, not someone to watch his sister or do friends with benefits, but me. “Fuck,” I curse. It seems like the thing to do when everything you thought you knew comes into question. But it doesn’t make me feel better. At all.
“It’s not like you ever told me about them, Sav. You didn’t want me to know, so I pretended I didn’t, and as the guys found out, I made sure they did the same.”
“I don’t care if people know about my brothers, Noah, I care how they treat me after they find out, compared to before. If they try to get closer, if they stick around, if they suddenly go against everything they’ve been saying for months and suck me in with lies and?—”
“That’s not what this is,” he stops me. “It had nothing to do with him, I promise.”
“You changed when you found out, Noah. You walked me home. You slept over, and it felt like we were more than just a research project. Now I don’t know if that’s because of him, or me.”
“Then ask me.”
I want to believe whatever his answer would be, but I’m doubting everything.
“When I found out, more than anything, I was relieved, because it explained why Parker was so close to you. How you figured out our door handle faster than we did. You weren’t someone’s one that got away, you were someone’s sister.”
“He’s not just someone, Noah. He’s a guy on your dad’s favorite team, who’s last name is your dad’s first,” I repeat what Izzie told me about why Dallas was her favorite player.
“How do I fix this?”
“Do you even want to?” I hate how my voice cracks with the question, and the tears I hastily wipe away, glaring at Noah when he looks like he wants to step closer and wipe them for me.
“Come on, Peaches, you know how I feel about you.”
“I know who you are when we’re alone in a bedroom, but I also know you don’t do relationships. That we can be friends with benefits, but you still introduce me as your sister’s babysitter, if you introduce me at all. You have literally pretended not to know me to avoid introducing me to people. And even after last night’s promises, you still couldn’t give me a straight answer on whether you want to see me on Sunday, like you were waiting for a better option.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing? Fuck, Savannah, that’s just me?—”
“Keeping your options open. I guess I should be flattered I made the cut so often, but it felt like I was right back in high school with Kinsey, getting added to plans at the last minute.”
“That’s not at all what I’m doing.”
“I was clearly too late, and that’s on me, but inviting you next Sunday…that was me trying to let you in. To bring you to family dinner and a game so I could introduce you to everyone. Instead, you just reinforced why it’s so much easier when I don’t.”
“Of course, it’s easier, Savannah. If you don’t let anyone in, you can’t get hurt. I get that authors live vicariously through their characters, but you hide behind yours.”
It feels like a slap because it’s true. My entire life, I’ve written about the things I wished for, like having a sister or finding love, but after a few abysmal failures every time I tried to join in on things in high school, I started playing it safe, letting my characters take all the chances I wanted to. It’s so much easier when I decide the outcome.
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Noah
His Birthday
“You’ve had some shitty people in your life who used you to get close to your brothers, but you’ve stopped letting people in altogether because of it.”
People like me. Fuck. I shouldn’t have kept it from her, but I was just trying to do the right thing, what Parker asked, because it never mattered to me. I fell for Savannah, hard, and I want to tell her that, that I love her, because I can’t lose her, but I really don’t want the first time to be as some last-ditch effort to win a fight.
“Can you really blame me when this is what happens when I do?” Savannah isn’t reproachful so much as heartbroken, which is infinitely worse. She sighs, then searches my face for something she doesn’t find. Or can’t trust. “Thank you for your help with my book, Noah. You’ve given me way more knowledge and experiences than I ever thought I needed. Or wanted.”
